I am infatuated with time travel. I have still not given up hope that we can actually make a machine that transports us through time. It is for that very reason that one of my favorite movies is Back to the Future 2. The whole reason that it’s one of my favorites is because in the movie they take the DeLorean into the future and Marty buys the sports almanac to bring back to present time so he can make some money by knowing the outcome of future events. Oh. Sorry. Spoiler. Retroactive to the previous sentence. (Aside: At what point are we allowed to talk about the endings of TV shows and movies? A month later? Two months? A year? Now that we have DVR’s and TiVos, no one has seen anything anymore. The days have ended where we can say “Man, 30 Rock last night was amazing! I can’t believe Tina Fey is really a man!” No. We can’t say these things. Now we have to say, “Hey, did you see 30 Rock last night? Oh, you’re 8 episodes behind? Why are you the way you are?” All these conversations now end with most of us going to TV show message boards, throwing out our one liners and quips from last night’s show on the screen and generally guffawing to ourselves while eating massive amounts of Red Vines. Only did that once.)
Back to Marty and his amazing foresight to buy the future almanac. If I’ve learned one life lesson in my 29 years on this planet it is this; how can I get mines? That is why I love the time machine. It can make you rich by getting information from the future. It can take you back to the time you got that scar from your brother hitting you in the head with a replica baseball bat from Yankee Stadium. It can give you the chance to not drink so much at that one college mixer when you threw up on the girl you liked and then fell down, only to lay there and ask for pizza because pizza cures everything while she disgustedly vowed to remove you from her AIM buddy list.
It’s all just a pipe dream to think that one day we’ll have time machines. That we can’t pick a specific point and change it so we can live a totally different life. Those are the thoughts I had before last Thursday and that’s when my life was turned upside down by a discovery of a place where time has stopped. Where you will be brought back to the past of surly men, polyester, and overall ignorance to present day. That place?
As a general rule, I hate flying. Maybe that’s weird, but I don’t like not being in control of anything at 30,000 feet in the air. I sat down in my window seat and readied myself for the flight. Seat Belt on. iPod in. Peering to the front of the plane to hope the cute girl I saw in the waiting area sits next to me for the 6 hours done. As I waited for the enormous mountain of a man that was inevitably going to sit next to me, the PA system came on. “Waaa, Waa, Waaa, headsets, Waaaa, waaaa, headsets.” The fact that the airline industry can’t get a functioning PA system, but can, I don’t know, fly in the air is mind boggling. Also mind boggling? How did they get the teacher from Peanuts to do the announcements? I can only imagine the rights fees associated with that. She doesn’t come cheap. (Insert sexual connotation here). I’m pretty sure military personnel in Vietnam had a better functioning communication system. Then to top it off they’re handing out “headsets.” HEADSETS. I kept waiting to the airline attendant (PC alert) to walk by with those big headphones and a small microphone attached.
Cut to camera 2. Cut to Camera 2!
Can we not update the lingo here? When is the last time anyone said headset that wasn’t working at a television or movie studio? 1978? If we can’t update a simple term as headset then what’s to say the wheels aren’t from the Wright Brothers first flight?
First in flight, last in repair.
If that wasn’t enough, upon our descent the flight attendant got on the PA to tell us to turn off all our portable electronic equipment such as our “portable phones and Gameboys.” Gameboys. He told us to turn off our Gameboys. Do we know the last time this crew was actually incorporated into civilization? I’m guessing the one time these people were not on a plane was 1993 when they were allowed to use the bathroom at O’Hare airport. “Oh, little boy, that’s a very small etch a sketch you have in your hands.” “It’s a Gameboy dummy.” “Game…Boy? I shall remember this for future endeavors! Onward and upward. To the sky to release our message of Gameboys and Gamegirls!” We don’t have to look any further. Our time machine is here. Once we get into to go into the future we will be rich as thieves. Rich as thieves.