From the beginning of time, or at least since written word was introduced into the Universe, women have been called the “fairer sex”. I’m not sure when this all started, but it probably has something to do with women writing important business appointments in day planners and men writing them on the back of multiple Orbit gum wrappers. Mainly, it’s because women are more civilized since they leave the house with pants on and like telling you to put the toilet seat down. Even though, I don’t understand why the toilet seat is such a point of contention. It raises a lot of questions for me. Is it that hard to put down? Or do women just go all willy nilly into the bathroom, don’t look around, and are falling in toilets all across America?
“HONEY! I fell in the toilet again! What did I tell you?!!? I’m blind when I walk in here since my eyeballs emit a high toxic radiation which makes it impossible to open my eyes and locate the seat. THANKS JERK!”
Do some bathrooms have super toilet seats that only are able to be put down by the strength of one rogue man who just put it up? What’s so hard about the flip and sit? Do women want to prove a point that men are dumb? Do they have to? Just look at a man eating cereal and watching TV at the same time if you want to see idiocy. If aliens landed here and that’s the first thing they saw they would be certain there was no intelligent life here.
“Klongin, This “thing” has a substance coming out of his mouth dribbling on its chin, is hunched over with no support while using a spoon as a shovel, and is laughing hysterically at an animated mouse with an anvil. These things are smarter than us? I think not. Back to the hubscoliptership before we lose our ability to coagulate into liquid sour patch kids.”
Obviously, women are the fairer sex. Except Yoko Ono. (Cheap aside – I wanted to work Yoko in here on John Lennon’s anniversary of his death. Segway! I was reading up on Lennon’s assassination since I’m a sucker for Wikipedia and I noticed that Yoko Ono asked the world to have a 10 minute silent pray to honor Lennon on December 14th, 1980. 10 MINUTES! Can you imagine people trying to be silent for 10 minutes in 2010? People can’t be quiet for 10 seconds now a days. Hell, people can’t really do ANYTHING for 10 minutes. Watch a TV show, browse the Internet, have sex, nothing lasts for more than 10 minutes. Even at the movies where you’re supposed to be quiet, every 4 minutes you’re making a crack that Ben Stiller’s next movie is going to be a documentary called “My Agent Calls and I Always Say Yes: A Ben Stiller Money Grab”. Yet, in 1980, millions of people were quiet for 10 minutes which proved one thing. People will do anything to get Yoko Ono to shut up.)
My whole life it’s been patently certain that women are the better species. They smell nicer, they look nicer, they feel nicer. Those things sounded so much better in my brain, but when written out look like the manifesto of a serial stalker outside the dorm room windows of coeds on the UCLA campus. “But officer, she FELT so nice.” I probably should be deleting the previous 3 sentences, but I’ll carry on and pretend I didn’t write them.
So, while it’s hard to find flaws in women after 30 years on this planet I have been looking and, finally, I have found one. This past weekend I went to a friend’s birthday party and one of the girls there lost her phone. It is a very traumatic experience to lose your texting and Facebook machine all in one so we went searching the bar for it. After looking around for 5 minutes she decided it would be easier just to dump her purse on the table in case it got lost in the bottom of it. Fair enough. I know her purse was pretty big, but it probably wasn’t packed with….
What erupted from the purse was a cascade of things I didn’t know women kept in there. Makeup, feminine products, gum, hair ties, lipstick, lip gloss, lip botox injections, money, cards, a Care Bear Diary, paper from 1972, receipts. It was like someone dropped an atomic bomb on the worst time capsule ever put together. I’ve never seen so much trash and random objects in one place before. Is this what women keep in purses? Their whole life? All that was missing was a Tamagotchi, cabbage patch kid, and a videotape of her telling her dad in 1989 that she wished she didn’t live there anymore.
Then it hit me. Men win. When it comes to carrying things, we win. You see men carry 3 things. Wallet in the back pocket, phone and keys in the front. Unless you’re 62 years old or a Swedish tourist visiting DC that thinks the fanny pack is fashionable, this is what you carry. We don’t need our whole life in our pockets. We are the simple ones. We’re the more civilized people. We are THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.
Slight Hyperbole Alert.
Woman can have their nice smells and their organized day planners. They can have their flowers and scented soaps from Bath and Body Works. We have our wallets. We have our pockets. We have the right to leave the toilet seat up every 3rd Friday in March. For once we are champions.
Excuse me Tom and Jerry reruns are on. The Lucky Charms are calling.
We doth but men.