George Washington in a Can (That sounds weird)

January 4, 2010 at 11:48 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Finally! Christmas is over!” Am I right or am I right? I mean what good comes out of Christmas? Getting gifts? Boring. Who wants to get stuff anyway. Then you have to wrap something, but the person just throws the wrapping paper away anyway. Wasteful humans. Not working? Stupid. This is America! We should be working more. There’s a reason American’s productivity in the workplace has sunk to levels not seen since Lincoln’s proclamation of emancipating some people or the other. I don’t know. I don’t do history. But I, for one, am glad Christmas is over for a totally different reason other than the obvious ones I’ve pointed out above.

No more Salvation Army bell ringers.

That’s right, for another 300 or some odd days we will no longer be made to feel like a-holes by the Salvation Army. Now before we all go off the deep end and call me things like “not compassionate,” “cheap”, “handsome,” and “selfish,” let me let you know that I am very philanthropic. Every time I go by that Salvation Army person ringing their bell I drop in a dollar. That’s right. Not 8 cents. Not 72 cents. A whole George Washington right in that can. Charity ain’t cheap.

Heard it once.

The problem I have is that does the Salvation Army have to be there EVERY day? What about twice a week? 3 times? The first time I left Ralph’s I dropped in a dollar to the nice middle-aged lady ringing the bell, said “Merry Holidays”, made it awkward and felt good about myself. Then I forgot something and had to go back the next day. Who’s there? That’s right. A little girl ringing the bell. A LITTLE GIRL! Isn’t there some kind of Salvation Army union? How can you just stick a 10-year-old girl out there ringing a bell for hours? This happened to Nike once and everyone started burning swooshes and Michael Jordan in bonfires in Sudan or some such.

Of course, I felt bad and dropped another GW in the can and left to the intermittent ringing of the bell because her hands were freezing. Two days later I went back to Ralph’s to grab something for a party and there’s an old man out there ringing the bell. Old people too? Will you stoop so low Salvation Army?  Here’s the Salvation Army rouse. As people walk by and don’t drop anything in he says “Have a great holiday!” Stop guilt tripping us old man!  So now what? I have to drop another dollar in so I don’t look like a jerkface while this man is doing the lord’s work (it’s in the SA brochure). Can I explain that I had already donated about 15 times that week. No. Why? Because people are liars and will assume I lied about it. Fine take another dollar! I hope you’re happy when a child in Africa can’t eat today.

Sally Struthers is so pissed.

Does the Salvation Army have to make us feel so bad? Not only are they asking for donations, they are ringing a bell which brings attention to them. If you just walk by you feel like you’ve let down not only a charity, but the whole city of Philadelphia. Is nothing sacred anymore? If I have one wish for next Christmas it’s that there is a sign next to the pot that says “We understand, you probably donated. xoxo Santa Claus” and we can move on.

Or we can cancel Christmas.

The choice is yours.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    The girl scouts do this too. They put a disabled little girl in front of the store so you feel bad if you don’t buy any cookies. No one wants to be the person to say no to a kid in a wheelchair. Next thing you know you’re broke and 10 pounds heavier.

    I bet the Salvation Army and the girl scouts are in cahoots to take us for everything we got.

  2. Ben said,

    I’m so happy right now. Happier than Christmas ever made me.

  3. so@24 said,

    “He’s back, bitches.”
    – said aloud in a cube today by me

  4. Amanda (aka Martini) said,

    “Fuck yeah.”
    -said aloud in my apartment by me just now.

  5. Lauren said,

    Wait, what’s Ralph’s?

    Glad you’re blogging again 🙂

    • Rahul said,

      It’s a grocery store. And the 4th ring of Hades.

  6. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    i’m so happy right now i could cry.

    this blog just made my day, not necessarily this post (though it is awesome), but just the FACT that you are blogging again.


  7. Matt said,

    Dude. The blog world wasnt quite right without you, glad youre back.

    And I think getting small children to sell things is unfair. Have you been to mexico? they have the cutest little three year olds selling bracelets to you… it breaks my heart to have to repeatedly tell them no.

    • Rahul said,

      i’ve been to mexico. Some things cannot be unseen.

  8. LiLu said,

    My favorite is when the grocery store is doing some charity thing where they want a dollar EVERY TIME you check out. Look, I go there every day. That’s a lot of money. But when you say “Add a dollar to your bill FOR THE CHILDREN?!?!!?!

    What am I supposed to say when the four people in line are blatantly listening- and JUDGING.

    Judgy McJudgersons, I say.

    • Rahul said,

      that’s why I wear a t shirt that says “I donated”. It’s awkward, but effective.

  9. Jordan said,


  10. Gonzo said,

    This blog is a farce. There are no Ralph’s in Philly!

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