What is Heaven? TMZ at 30,000 Feet

January 7, 2010 at 10:52 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Most of us hate flying.  Unless you’re the strikingly handsome George Clooney in the BEST MOVIE OF THE DECADE ZOMG!!! (excerpted from every movie reviewer in the country), Up In the Air,  flying is a nuisance and a high stress situation. Unfortunately for us, the Japanese have not built a teleportation machine that we can steal and call our own and pretend we invented it first, so we have to fly to see our loved ones. As a brown type person I tend to get, howyousay, profiled. As I was boarding the plane back to LA, I handed my ticket to the nice agent to board the plane. Waiting for me were 8 Military type people with AK 47s* demanding to check my bags again even though I had already walked through security.

*one middle aged man and woman with gloves on.

I handed over my carry ons and they went through them one pair of underwear at a time. Did I care? No. I’m all for America being safer and if that means I have to wait 5 minutes to board a plane so be it. Of course , when they started holding up my boxers and asking “you really bought these” it got awkward. But I digress.

We all know about the guy trying to blow up the plane in Detroit on Christmas. Maybe someone should have told him it was Detroit. Detroit, I kid, I love you!. You gave us Eminem and…Kid Rock? CNN ran an article from a pilot talking about how no one told him that there was a serious incident on another plane and that he should be alerted  in case it was a multiple plane attack such as 9/11. Fair enough. He goes on to say…

The Washington-based DEN Operations Center is supposed to allow federal agencies with jurisdiction over the security of U.S. airspace to communicate information in real time. So why, after eight years and billions of dollars, was the information concerning the incident available to me only on my iPhone?”

I know right? This is a complete outrage! How does he have cellphone service on a plane! What a joke. After years and years of technology I don’t have internet access or phone service on airplanes. They’ve been holding out on us! Are we going to take this lying down?!?!? I’m not. As soon as I read that I was just as furious as Mr. Anonymous pilot. This country has fallen apart. Has history taught us nothing?I fired off a feedback to CNN.com that our country deserves better (slogan alert). We pay millions and millions in taxpayer money. When we’re “Up in the Air” (see what I did there? callbacks) we need to check our fantasy football teams, the stock market, and, more importantly, videos of Angelina Jolie’s 32 kids.

Maddox picked his nose again. Cute.

Also, this does not inspire confidence in the flight industry. So the pilot is checking his iPhone? Hello, you’re supposed to be FLYING A PLANE. Yes, I know they have autopilot, but make me feel better about this. I don’t want my pilots browsing TMZ to look up the next pictures of a Tiger Woods mistress.

“Chhhh. This is your captain speaking. We’re about 350 miles from Los Angeles, should be arriving on time, weather is about Seventy- OH MY GOD. David Beckham and Posh Spice were at the park yesterday. THE PARK! HOLY GOD, I’M HYPERVENTILATING!!”

Well, it’s time for us to get what we deserve from our Airlines: Internet, phone calls that we can make without picking up a phone from the headrest in front us, a movie without a 10-year-old with a magic rock. These are things we need, nay, DESERVE. Pilots shouldn’t get all the perks. If I want to download a Cow application on my iPhone 30,000 feet in the air, and have it moo for a 3 and a half hour flight then let that Cow dance!

Sentence fail.

Next time I fly I’m bringing my complaint letter with me.

And a Richard Nixon mask.

He would never get profiled.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    I for one LOVE to fly. But I’m white so yanno no one bothers me. But yes the airlines need the internet. I can’t go too long without watching my favorite porn video. I start getting the shakes.

  2. Martini said,

    Haha…. why do cow jokes always do it for me? Never. Fails.

  3. amindinmotown said,

    I’m not George Clooney and yet, I love to fly. Just saying.

  4. Jordan said,

    I saw something about them taking away in-flight wifi and I freaked out because no one ever told me the option was there! They kept wifi from me! Those assholes!

  5. Jay said,

    As I’ve said on numerous occasions, the TSA should just strip us naked before boarding, then fill the cabin with amnesia gas for the duration of the flight. It’ll be just like The Fifth Element, only with a little extra morbid obesity!

  6. Gern said,

    Your back! Damn glad. Don’t be disappearing like that again.

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