Solving Mary Jane’s Problems. Easily.

January 12, 2010 at 5:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

We all know the big news of the past week. After a whopping trial run of 5 months and declining ratings NBC wants to move Jay Leno to 1130, Conan to 12, Jimmy Fallon to 1 and Carson Daly to Bolivia. I haven’t seen this many rich white guys fighting since Richard Branson hit Mark Cuban over the head with a steel chair in 2004. Could this be any more of a non story? Boo hoo. Conan is only going to get $80 million over the next 4 years. I think he can afford all the fake sympathy from people making 30K that he’s getting.  I like Conan’s show. I will record it wherever it is. Like I do now. Then watch it later. And guffaw. My life has not changed.

It’s very exciting.

So while I could be fawning outrage over something that doesn’t matter at all, let’s talk about something that is important to everyone that owns paraphernalia they purchased in college. That’s right. California is trying to legalize marijuana. I don’t smoke, but this is important for the history of the US of A.

Someone call Snoop. Stat.

Today, the California State Assembly approved a bill to tax and regulate marijuana. Those sad trombone sounds you hear are from the drug dealers of East LA who will only be able to shuffle their crack rock and heroin to the fine residents of LA. That good herb ain’t going to be so good anymore you would think. But au contraire mon frere.  That means ” don’t be ridiculous” in French. Took 2 years of it. Aced it. I lied. Got a C.

Moving on.

The proposed bill has a tax of $50 per ounce of weed sold. Basically, if you go down to your local Hashish Hamlet you’ll be adding on a huge percentage of tax to even get your high on. The government is trying to get theirs while you get yours. That’s right. The government wants to be your pimp. And they ain’t playin’ around shorty. They gonna keep pressin’ you til the break of dawn. Baby got back. They say he’s just a friend. And all that.

That got weird.

California is trying to plug their huge deficit by taxing legalized sales of marijuana. I’m sure this is going to put an end to drug cartels and people selling marijuana. Not. Do you think your local drug dealer is going to be selling marijuana and collecting tax? No way Tangueray. He just wants to move product. I saw The Wire. Stringer Bell doesn’t mess around. Is a college student that smokes every day going to pay an exorbitant tax for his legalized weed or just buy it cheaper on the street? I think it’s self-explanatory. By taxing marijuana this much you’re in effect going to cause MORE unlicensed selling of weed because I’ll throw this out there;  I don’t think the guys on the corner are filling out their 1099 forms every year.

Shocking I know. Call the IRS. Then run.

Imagine if there was a tax like that on alcohol in this country. People would be buying alcohol from other people’s bathtubs and out of boots to save a couple bucks. This is a recession! Give me that moonshine, Huckleberry! I’m not for or against legalizing marijuana, BUT if I was in charge this is what I do to help California’s deficit in an easy 3 step plan that will help the pot smokers and the government.

1. Legalize marijuana with little to no tax.

2. Tax the hell out of Cheetos, Doritos, nachos, potato chips, and anything that comes out of a bag.

3. Watch the money roll in.

California budget crisis solved.

Next step: Terrorism.

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11 Comments

  1. Martini said,

    “Give me that moonshine, Huckleberry!”

    And the spit-vodka-I-mean-water-out-of-your-mouth-line-of-the-day is……

    • Rahul said,

      Don’t waste that vodka. Are you crazy, woman?!?!

  2. lbluca77 said,

    Do you know how much money Cali will make off high taxed cheetos just from Brittany Spears alone? Like lots.

  3. Just A Girl said,

    Um no eff that ess. I would pay a little bit more to get the shit legally but not that much more. Not that I smoke so fuck you for thinking that. You don’t even know me.

    New goal: call someone Huckleberry today.

    • Rahul said,

      It’s easy. I called my boss that. Got fired.

  4. Jay said,

    Two counterpoints:

    1. State-subsidized weed would be way cheaper, meaning in the end it will cost less than it currently does on the street, tax included. However, I don’t suspect it will take long for the black marketers to respond with lower prices and Safeway club card-type deals.

    2. Opening up the legal market is going to lead to state-supported growers, which means legit companies with legit operations and funded R&D projects. In other words, way better smoke for your buck!

    • Rahul said,

      Smart commentary is not allowed here dammit!

  5. katelin said,

    send that plan over to capitol hill stat, i think we have a solution!

  6. justme said,

    i would pay to send Carson Daly far far away….if you know, i had a job….

    the plan made me lol, but i like cheetos & i’m not a smoker so you need to figure out something else!

  7. spencer096 said,

    great post, man.

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