Anderson Cooper, World’s Greatest Man or Universe’s Greatest Man?

January 20, 2010 at 11:35 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Most nights I go to the gym and staring back at me is the boyish good looks of Anderson Cooper. If that boy had white hair and a talk show with his name attached to it. Anderson Cooper has pretty much made his way into everyone’s lives. He’s everywhere.  At 9Am he might be on Regis and Kelly. At noon, he’s reporting from war-torn Afghanistan. At 3pm he’s telling Oprah about his mom, and at 7pm he’s debating Sanjay Gupta about whether a particularly violent strain of Flamingo virus will manifest itself in humans and cause us to turn pink.

Thomas Pink would love that.

Is there anything Anderson Cooper does wrong? Anything? It’s at the point where it’s gotten out of control. Let us count the ways Anderson Cooper is this generation’s Golden Child.

1. His name. Seriously? Anderson Cooper? Could there be a more perfect name? I can’t think of one. This goes back to my rule that people who have a first name ending in -son are infinitely cooler in life. Wil-, Jeffer-, Jack-, Sanford and -. It’s a cold hard fact. Then combine it with the name Cooper you have a name nobody can forget. Why don’t we just change his name to Awesome McCoolstein and be done with it.

2. His family. His mom is Gloria Vanderbilt ,who was the Paris Hilton of the 50s ,but with more success and much less saying like “OMG, girlfriends.”  He comes from a crap load of money. So much so that he probably doesn’t have to work. Not only does he work, he works in countries that are falling apart faster than Obama’s Presidency (Political humor!). Work Ethic and being Rich? Disgusting.

3. His hair. Finally we have a flaw! Nope. Anderson Cooper pulls off the graying too early look. It fits him exactly. Do we even know what he looks like without grayish white hair? No, because he probably came out of the womb looking like that. We know he probably watches those Just for Men ads with Keith Hernandez  and laughs in his caviar being served to him by his team of monkey butlers.

4.  His non homosexual homosexualness.  If the previous 3 points haven’t proved to you Anderson’s perfectness maybe this will. He’s gay. Wait, no he’s not. Yes, he is. Well, we’ve never seen him kiss a man. Wait, we’ve never seen him kiss a woman either. WHAT THE HELL?!?!  Not only has he not alienated any group of people, he is actually coming off as more of a gentleman with the way he’s handled this. How is it possible that we don’t have  one picture of one of the most high-profile reporters and television personalities of our time kissing anyone passionately? We have about 7,541 of Lindsay Lohan and not one of Anderson Cooper?  Paging Harvey Levin, do something about this. To top it all off he says,  “I understand why people might be interested. But I just don’t talk about my life. It’s a decision I made a long time ago, before I ever even knew anyone would be interested in my personal life. The whole thing about being a reporter is that you’re supposed to be an observer and to be able to adapt with any group you’re in, and I don’t want to do anything that threatens that.”

He’s Batman.

5. He has a show with his name on it. Anderson Cooper 360. Enough said.

It got me thinking over the weekend that I just want something to be wrong with Anderson Cooper. Just one thing. I mean, maybe a misplaced birth mark. Possibly, he could get the chicken pox. Nothing too major, just something to show me that this guy is normal and not the greatest person on Earth. I’ll take a speeding ticket. Maybe a 74 in a 65. ANYTHING. He hosted a New Years Eve with Kathy Griffin and didn’t stab her! How is this possible? We’re at the point where if he finds you dropped $20 on the ground not only will he return it to you, he’ll give you an extra $20 for feeling bad that you dropped it. Of course, while I was thinking these thoughts I was on the yesterday and saw this headline.

Anderson Cooper tries to save Haitian Child.


Not only has he done these things, he is now saving kids in Haiti while he’s reporting? I watched the video and, lo and behold, Mr. Can’tdoanythingwrong drops his camera, runs over and grabs a child bleeding from the head. He carries him to safety and looks for anyone to help the bleeding. Sort of graphic. But Wolf Blitzer will remind you of that 48 times if you watch it here.

From Anderson Cooper’s Blog

“I was afraid someone on the roof would see him lying there and throw another cinder block piece onto him. I was afraid he’d get killed. No one seemed to be helping him.”

We get it Anderson, ok? You’re great. Stop showing off so much. The hair, the tv show, the saving of innocent human lives. You’ve won. We all suck.

Anderson Cooper – Simply Perfect.

Now go park in a handicapped spot. For my sanity.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    “Is there anything Anderson Cooper does wrong?”


    He doesn’t sleep with women, well me in particular. So yes, I would say that is wrong.

  2. Jay said,

    Since he’s so awesome, it wouldn’t really be gay if I were attracted to him, right? Because I would really just be attracted to awesomeness, which is only more awesome. Even if that meant touching swords.

  3. amindinmotown said,

    Must you be so jealous all the time? Jeeeeeeez.

  4. Just A Girl said,

    Oh dear god he’s sexy. He is completely perfect. Yep. Excuse me while I sit here and sigh for a minute.

  5. Gonzo said,

    Chuck Norris masturbates to video of Anderson Cooper combing his hair.

  6. Jillian said,

    Anderson Cooper makes me wish I was a gay man.

  7. k8 said,

    He replaced George Clooney for me because face it – George Clooney is getting old.

  8. Drew said,

    Oh yes, I love Anderson Cooper. He’s just too good to be true. Kinda like the men you only hear about in fairy tales — rich, educated, adventurous, and handsome. *sigh* I do have AC fantasies occasionally. 🙂

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