Super Bowl Sunday: A day for fun. Except this year.

February 3, 2010 at 3:27 pm (Uncategorized)

If you haven’t been paying attention there’s a big game played of the football variety this weekend in Miami. Some heathens call it the “Super Bowl”. It is a battle of male gladiators in a pit of grass used to decide the victor of the football season long agenda. It will be quite glorious. We will eat chips, dip them in dip, eat more chips, dip them in beer and then eat another chip.

THE CHIP CLIP IS ONE BIG CLOTHESPIN.

Glad I got that off of my chest.

Of course, most of us will not watch the game for the game, but we will watch it for the advertisements of products that none of us will ever buy. Has anyone in the history of life used E-trade because a baby told us to? I think not. Now if that baby told me to drink beer, I would probably listen. Babies know a lot. See: Rugrats.

Every year there is one commercial that has the nation a flutter before Super Bowl Sunday. They call it a “buzz” factor. Who is “they”? I don’t know. Some people who know “things”. What things? I don’t know. “They” tell me what “things” are.

A vicious circle of life.

Most years it’s something about a frog saying “bud” or a couple guys saying “wassup” or some stupid horses pretending they know how to play football. Well, basically it’s always a Budweiser commercial. BUT, this year one man has taken over the mantle of being the king of the Super Bowl Ad. One Man. One Legend. One, nay, two-time National CHOMP-ion. That’s right.

Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is a two-time college football winning quarterback from Florida, arguably the best college football player of all time, gives circumcisions in his free time in Africa, is waiting for marriage to have sex, and is known as the first living son of Jesus. It’s all made for a very busy life. If you haven’t heard Tim Tebow and his mom are in an advertisement on Super Bowl Sunday. Also, if you haven’t heard about it you should probably leave the house once in a while, put down the Modern Warfare headset, get some sunlight and then move to Canada. They have syrup. And Bacon. But their bacon is actually ham. You’ll figure it out.

While we don’t know exactly what the ad says many people have speculated that it involves his mom talking about her difficult pregnancy, the doctor advocating abortion, and her saying no. Many think it will be an anti-abortion ad which has thrown this country into a fiery pit of talking heads and hyperbole that will threaten to lift the Statue of Liberty off of its base and row itself back to France.

Indian givers.

Pro choicers have voiced their opinion that beliefs and religious ideals should not be aired on Super Bowl Sunday on CBS. Pro lifers have said that they are paying for the ad so what’s the big deal? It’s obvious CBS is taking the 3 million they’re getting from the ad and running. Can’t blame them. Gotta make that cheddar! Hustlers Hustling and all that jazz. It is pretty obvious this is THE hot button issue in America. Well, I’ll make my opinion known.

Thanks for ruining the Super Bowl Tim Tebow.

Oh, I don’t mean that as I’m pro-choice or pro-life. I mean Tim Tebow has ruined Super Bowl Sunday this year. Let’s say the game is pretty good, you’re buzzing on that sweet Coors Light, and someone made mac and cheese with bacon bits and you’ve eaten a whole tray. We’re having a good time! High fiving each other because Peyton Manning fell down or the Saints marched in (sorry). Then we sit down to watch the ads. Oh look! A talking hyena selling car insurance! Hilarious! A voluptuous woman telling me to buy Juicy Fruit! It’s gonna move ya! Time Tebow telling me not to get an abortion…..

Party over.

In the history of life there hasn’t been a bigger cooler than this than William H. Macy in…um…”The Cooler.” I don’t care what party you go to someone will mention something about being pro-choice. Someone will scream out Tebow. An argument will ensue with a pro lifer. The party will come to a halt and before you know it the game is over, there’s 42 celebrity cameos on Friends and somebody else will light their underpants on fire because they can’t take it anymore.

That will be me.

Boxers are flammable.

You couldn’t air this on another day, Tim?!?! How about Flag Day? Arbor Day? Boxing Day? Something else. Something where we don’t have a party and have fun. Maybe you could air this on any random Monday. Those days suck anyway. NOT ON THE BIGGEST PARTY DAY OF THE YEAR. Thanks Time Tebow. No, really thanks. Thanks for all that guacamole you’re going to make sour on Sunday. I like guacamole ok!

If Brad Pitt does a pro gun ad next Super Bowl, I’m going to fight someone.

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10 Comments

  1. lbluca77 said,

    You said bacon like a million times in this post. That is why you now are officially in my fave five.

  2. amindinmotown said,

    Are you serious? I didn’t hear about this at all, but I’m officially disgruntled. Yes, disgruntled.

    If you didn’t mention bacon so many times, I’d be livid. I’m glad for the buffer.

  3. Just A Girl said,

    I’m angry in my pants about this. Can we abort this commercial? Also? Fuck CBS. They won’t air a gay dating site commercial because 2 dudes kiss but they’re all about Tebow (who PEE ESS can just go the fuck away forever) not being aborted. Congratulations dude, your mom had you and you turned out special. I’m just here for Peyton Manning, yo.

  4. Matt said,

    That canadian bacon thing puzzles the shit out of me. It’s like– DONT LIE TO ME. YOU KNOW THATS NOT REALLY BACON.

    Just because ham comes from the same animal doesn’t mean it’s ok to call it bacon.

  5. Matt said,

    Thats what this post was about right?

    No?

  6. douchegirl said,

    CBS pisses me off. Why would they air that one and not the gay ad?
    Fuck them.

  7. LiLu said,

    I did everything in my power to convince B to go as Tim Tebow for Halloween…

    with me as Jesus wearing a T-shirt that said “I’m with stupid.”

    He almost went for it, if it wasn’t for the buying of the jersey. He said he would never spent a cent on Tebow anything. And I can’t really argue.

  8. shine said,

    Bacon. Please.

    I’m so sick of this shit I could puke. I might have to light your boxers on fire.

  9. Scott said,

    now this is a post ( and a site) i can completely support. thanks!

  10. Maxie said,

    Why can’t they just stick to burping bullfrogs and italian steryotypes. Ah, the good old days.

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