When People Stop Being Polite and Start Being Stupid

March 5, 2010 at 1:09 pm (Uncategorized) (rankings, real world)

Some people have wondered how I keep up with all the seasons of The Real World and remember everything that happens. The answer? I have a sickness. It’s like watching a car wreck. You just drive by and offer no help. I mean, you can’t take your eyes off of it. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s roll out the top 10 and erase these past two posts from our brains. I’m cool! Really,I am! The most uncool people? People who tell others that they are cool.

Whoops.

10. New York

The original. The one that started it all. Pretty much the only reason this gets into the top 10. That and Eric Nies sweet washboard abs. I mean, the girls. Always the girls. Back to Eric Nies. Remember when everyone found out he was on a Jovan Musk ad? That would be the equivalent to finding out Pauly D was on the cover of a romance novel. You’re shocked, but shouldn’t be because it’s expected.

9. Boston

You can put numbers 9 through 3 all in hat and pick one out. So good on so many levels. Boston gets thrown in here for the all time classic phone blow up in Real World History. Montana made this season. She was dating a guy named Vaj. Think about that. The she was volunteering with kids and let them taste alcohol. Pretty good volunteering! Where were those volunteers and chaperones when I was growing up?

“Mrs. B, can I try this pipe thing?”
“Go ahead! knock yourself out! Don’t tell anyone though about that sweet high”

Then she cheated on Vaj (giggle) and he went ballistic. Don’t believe me? Watch this. Oh that’s some good stuff. ” BUMMER! I DON’T WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE!” All that was missing was James VanderBeek talking to his dad with a bad Texas accent with an Ali Larter whip cream bikini. Simply classic.

8. Hawaii

The underlying theme of Hawaii was the Colin-Amaya relationship, no relationship thing going on. Who cares when people are driving drunk and someone named Tek is hooking up with every Hawaiian person ever? Kudos to The Real World staff for letting Ruthie drive intoxicated by the way. Here is the morality clause of the Real World crew

…

Sign here.

Ruthie turned into the Neil Armstrong of The Real World by showing that it was ok to go to rehab while in the process of being filmed on TV show. Dr. Drew thanks you. Combined with Justin trying to sabotage everything with lies and someone falling in love with Ruthie’s twin sister and not Ruthie herself, well Hawaii was paradise. (see what I did there?)

7. Denver

Oh yes, a pleasant surprise was Denver. The season looked harmless at the beginning, but ramped up tenfold as it progressed. Jenn and Colie BOTH sleeping with Alex. In back to back episodes. Then again later in the season. Jenn falling for every guy in the house and some of the best fights ever on The Real World. Anytime a gay frat boy drops the line “I’m leaving because a (bad word for black person) is going to kill me!” then you know you’ve made it. Combined that with drama queen Brooke going from liking guys to liking gay guys to liking girls to freaking out like this, well, good times were had. Maybe not by them. But I had a good time. A good ole fashion pee in the buses led to being arrested was the capper to this season. Hey, when you gotta flow you gotta go. Even though the house was 5 feet away. Brilliance.

6. New Orleans

New Orleans had some of the best highlights ever on the Real World. Melissa’s crazy antics and humongous lips, one highly religious person and one person pretending to be religious (Julie), a gay guy dating someone in the Army and to top it off you had David doing this. That has to be one of the most awkwardly awesome things to see on this show. Was that Jazz? Bebop? R and B? Karaoke? We’ll never know which makes it great. Another reason it gets put up here is Julie’s struggle with the Mormon church. Because she lived with guys she was kicked out of BYU. Whoops. Didn’t seem to hurt her as I saw her at a Syracuse function and her arm was littered with guys’ phone numbers.

Julie don’t need no paper.

Mormons do it best.

With no caffeine.

5. Miami

A sneaky favorite of mine because I always overlook how good it was. Joe’s tall girlfriend really brought this home for me. She wasn’t a little bit taller than him, she was a good 5 inches taller. He may as well have dated the Jolly Green Giant. Good for him though. The love. Flamboyant Dan and Melissa’s arguments were great, but the thing that put this over the top was Flora’s big mouth calling people cheap and her lovely command of the English language. Good thing MTV found their censor button. Here’s a Flora conversation.

I’m going to *beep-ing* tell him that he’s a *beep* *beeping* piece of *beep*. *beep* him. *beep* them all. *Beep.

Classy broad.

Also, they were given $50,000 to start a business. Joe was going for his business degree. The business they started? Nothing. That’s right. They were given $50,000 and did nothing. I would have taken that money and lit it on fire. At least it could have been used as a flare.

4. Los Angeles

Oh so close to the top 3, but this is the prototype for what not to do on reality TV. Let’s see. A girl is in her bed. You try to pull the covers off. She says she doesn’t have clothes on. Yo still pull the cover off. She goes running. She comes back and hits you. Someone compares it to rape. You go crazy. You leave the house.

Good work.

This season had it all. Everyone’s views on abortion while Tammy was having one. The ecletic mix of people who had never seen black people, gays or people wearing cowboy hats. You have to give it to Jon. He loved that cowboy hat. I’ve never loved anything as much as he loved that hat. Maybe my first slinky. It also gave me one of my favorite confessional moments. They all decided to do a group confessional to show that they were together and friends. It went pretty well.

They started yelling at each other and stormed off.

Nothing says togetherness than leaving in separate directions.

3. San francisco

Start the outrage! Number 3! This was the best! I don’t think it was. What does everyone remember from this season? Pedro and Puck. That’s it. Maybe you remember that Judd was a cartoonist. That’s right a cartoonist. You think The Real World would put a cartoonist on TV nowadays? He had the personality of cardboard. You might as well put a high school history teacher on there. The rest of the cast was very forgettable. Mohammed? Eh. Rachel? ugh. Corey? She was on it?

Puck and Pedro carried this season like Pitt and Norton in Fight Club. A masterpiece. Puck’s absolute disgusting attitude towards everything is what everyone remembers. The peanut butter incident is what comes to mind, but the thing I’ll remember is this. Puck was a bike messenger. This can only mean one thing.

Anyone can be a bike messenger.

If that guy showed up with a package for me I would hose it down with hydrogen peroxide and open it with surgical equipment. Too bad he left halfway through or this would have grabbed the top spot. Pedro’s activism made this a politically charged season and brought a new view to AIDS. For that he is commended. For everyone else saying “Pedrrrro” well, that was unfortunate.

2. Las Vegas

More outrage! Number 2! Too high! What do these 5 names have in common besides being on the Vegas season? Trishelle, Alton, Irulan, Arissa, Brynn? Give up? No person on the planet could spell those names all right on the first try without seeing them in print. IMPOSSIBLE. Along with a cornucopia of names Vegas gave up everything we want in our trash TV. Go-go dancing, drinking to oblivion, the too nice guy losing the hot girl to the not nice guy, stabbing people with forks and who can forget the first time the cast was brought back to do it again.

What more could you want?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?

A classic Real World run that is topped, in my mind, by only one.

1. Seattle

That’s right. Seattle is my favorite Real World of all time. It’s going to take a miraculous event to unseat it from the top spot. The season is so good I’ve seen it twice. What? Nevermind. Everything surrounding the season was good. The cast was good-looking, but not on the trashy level. They made the radio station idea work. They had a cast member get involved with someone in production and didn’t kick him out. The Bachelor- take notes. Instead they let him self destruct in the best way possible. In a car from a wide-angle.

KIRA, YOU’RE BREAKING MY HAHHHHT!!

Man it was glorious. Only to be topped by the Steven- Irene showdown. What better way to leave the house than by calling one of your roommates gay? This was unreal

The best part about that is her calling him outside and him running back in grabbing her stuffed animal, but not before doing the universal masturbation movement. Who thinks of that? Yeah I’ll show her! I’ll grab something she left behind and throw it in the water! Take that! I AM A GOD! The no look throw of the animal was good touch.

The best part is that Steven is really gay and married to his partner now.

Bravo Seattle cast. Bravo to you.