Hand Holding and Apple Picking. Sunday Night Frights.

March 22, 2010 at 1:18 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

(I’m on Twitter. Peep me! Or Tweet me or whatever.)

Being single has it’s advantages and disadvantages. The advantages: You don’t have to tell someone where you’re going to be at all times. You can go to the store and get a Sunkist and a smile and not have to ask for permission. You can leave the toilet seat up without some unsuspecting woman falling into said toilet.

The disadvantages:

*crickets

I kid, I kid. There are disadvantages for sure. The main one being that you can’t go to Bed Bath and Beyond and not get stared down by “Clare” the old lady that’s been working at BB&B since 1987 and wants to know why you haven’t found a good woman yet. I JUST WANT A COLANDER, CLARE. GET OVER IT.

ahem.

Last night, I decided to run over to the supermarket or “grocery” as it’s known on Mars and parts of the Mayan empire. Does that exist? Not a history buff. Anyways, I noticed there were a lot of couples grocery shopping on a Sunday night. Is this couples only time? Sunday night at the supermarket? While I was walking through I only saw one guy there without a girl. I give him the head nod. He called security. I ran.

Exercise.

Every aisle I walked up and down had a guy with a girl. Actually, let me rephrase that. It had a girl walking in front of a guy, while he held up the basket or pushed the cart behind her. It felt like it was mass punishment for everyone involved. I wanted to go up to the guys and tell them everything is going to be ok. That they’ll get through this rough time in their lives when they’re in aisle 14 and your girl is deciding between low-fat salad dressing and non-fat salad dressing. You see low-fat is $1 less, but non-fat has no fat at all. It’s a tricky science. Only estrogen has the answers.

We shall overcome.

So, while everyone else was being miserable, I was just trudging along, getting a Gatorade here, some milk there, a salad in my mouth and moving along in Will Hunting like proficiency. It kind of felt like being at a wedding without a date. Everyone else knows you have no date, and some older people are giving you that look, but then you find the cute girl without a date, ask her to dance and she says no, so you go back and grab a Celeste Pizza for One out of the freezer because you are always eating for one.

Delicious Denial.

I think the supermarket should have a sign out front that blinks. Like the walking sign or the moose crossing sign they have in Canada (not sure if they have one of these, but they should. Lot’s of moose up there. Someone told me that once). It should be a sign of a woman in front of a man holding something with his head down. Then it should blink when there are more than 30 of these groups of people in the store. These people are harshing my mellow, man. I don’t need to be around them. That way I can turn around and go somewhere else. Is this what a relationship is nowadays? Going shopping on a Sunday night? UNACCEPTABLE! The Amazing Race is on, woman! No time for cake mixes and “feminine hygiene” products. More ignorant Americans racing around the world! This would have never happened in the good ole’ days of 2006.

I have this to say: Couples, if you’re going to go out in public, don’t be miserable. I mean look at all the things you can do. Couples only dance at the roller skating rink and, um, ah, eh, that’s all I got. But you guys have that! Right? Right? I mean when the DJ says “couples only” at the roller rink I have to sit down and eat that square pizza because I don’t have anyone. So that’s cool

And you have Bed Bath and Beyond.

Tell Clare I say hi.

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11 Comments

  1. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    i tend to do grocery shopping on sunday, and because i’m always eternally single alone.. and i’ve noticed the same things.

    • Rahul said,

      Eternally single. That’s a great band name. I call dibs

  2. Martini said,

    This is why I wear my most revealing and sexy ensembles to the supermarket — because nothing says “Fuck you, happy couples!” like the thought that I’m there buying vodka, cookie dough and cat food as the precursor to my night of wild adult relations. Yeah, cat food. Let your imagination run wild.

    • Rahul said,

      Cat food is an aphrodisiac. I own Cat Fancy.

  3. Isheeta said,

    “That they’ll get through this rough time in their lives when they’re in aisle 14 and your girl is deciding between low-fat salad dressing and non-fat salad dressing. You see low-fat is $1 less, but non-fat has no fat at all. It’s a tricky science. Only estrogen has the answers.”
    My favorite part of a post that had me giggling in my cube like a creeper! I used to have those mental debates and then realized I’m single and I don’t care – I’LL PAY THE EXTRA $3 FOR SOME GD SALAD DRESSING WITH SOME ACTUAL TASTE.

    • Rahul said,

      Newman’s Own is the way to go. But if he owns it why we do we get it? Weird.

  4. lbluca77 said,

    Why do couples need to grocery shop together in the first place. If my husband wants to go to the grocery store (if I had a husband) I would so not go with him. Let him do the work while I sit at home.

    • Rahul said,

      Then you would have cabinets filled with 30 boxes of cereal, one gallon of milk, one steak and 40 beers.

  5. dollyasylum said,

    It’s true. Although recently I’ve become a singleton again, when i was part of a couple, the Sunday Night Grocery Grab was part of the routine….I guess the thinking behind it was “it’s sunday night, there’ll be nobody there”, but there IS, because all the couples are having the same thought. Not sure why, It’s one of those weird unexplained natural phenomena.
    Funny blog btw! I discovered “Your Beard is Good” (reminds me of Flight Of the Conchords) just as you disappeared from there, so i’m glad this T-shirt wearing blog is here now.

    • Rahul said,

      Everyone is everywhere on Sunday night. This is why I don’t go anywhere ever.

  6. heatheradair said,

    well this was fantastic.

    and now i have a reason to go visit a rollerskating rink again.

    i was looking for a reason to do that.

    now i’ll go and shamelessly finger-point at those single people that have to vacate for the sexy-couples-skate.

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