Juan Valdez? More like Juan Dontneeddeez (Sorry)

March 24, 2010 at 12:09 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

(I’m on Twitter. Peep me! Or Tweet me or whatever.)

I have an announcement to make.

I don’t drink coffee.


That is the reaction I’ve gotten over the years to my non coffee addiction. From the places I work, to the friends that I meet, to my own mother, people look at me like I’m some kind of alien because I don’t drink coffee. Maybe it’s because I have my fly down or am wearing shorts with a dress shirt and tie, but I’m pretty sure it is because I don’t “take it black”.

Um, that’s what she said?


It’s a bold, bold secret to have. People always give you that look of disgust that you don’t drink coffee. “How do you get through the day?!?” is what I’m usually asked. My answers vary from “I’m a morning person” to “caffeine doesn’t affect me” to “cocaine”. The cocaine answer is a little awkWard to tell Human resources, but I’m pretty sure they all saw Traffic and realize that it’s a gateway drug. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Most people in the world drink coffee to perk them up and function in the mornings. It’s understandable. Coffee is chock full of caffeine and juju beans and riles people up like it’s 4 AM on Black Friday and Target only has one 42” TV left at $99. THINK OF THE SAVINGS! If people didn’t drink coffee then Starbucks wouldn’t be around to strong-arm mom and pop coffee shops to get out of the way and make sure big business always rules. Let’s be honest with ourselves, if corporate America isn’t winning then what’s the point of living?

Sorry grandma and grandpa, you can take your $1 coffee and shove it! USA! USA! USA!

The last thing you want to tell someone who drinks coffee is that it “doesn’t taste good”. You may as well have called them ugly and called their first-born Beelzebub. People defend coffee drinking like it’s part of their family. Well guess what. Coffee doesn’t taste good to me, ok? No need to rain down on me with the fury of a thousand and one suns. I can’t defend myself except for curling into a ball and listening to “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga on loop.

Spin that record babe, da da du du.

A few years ago I started feeling the pressure of drinking coffee in the morning. So to go against the man, I decided to start my mornings with a Red Bull and a bagel. That’s right. A bagel. In the morning. Sometimes with cream cheese. Sometimes with sesame seeds. What do you have to say now, coffee lovers? That’s right. Nada. In Spanish, that means suck it.

I got off track there.

“A Red Bull at 9AM?!?! That’s gross!!!” Right, thanks for being little miss judgmental (Kelly Clarkson, I call dibs on that song title), because you’re not drinking a vat of caffeine every morning that cost you $4.45. “What about all the sugar!” What about you putting 49 packets of sugar in it so you can get it down. What is this? Fear Factor? I was now being told drinking a Red Bull at 9AM wasn’t “socially acceptable”. This really grinds my gears (taking it back to the 50s!). If the cavemen were drinking Red Bull at sun up instead of eating coffee beans that they stole from pterodactyl nests then would we even be having this discussion? WOULD WE?!?!

I blame Geico.

It’s 2010, we don’t need to drink coffee every morning. There are a lot of things that have been invented to help pick you up from a lull. Why is it that if you don’t drink coffee it’s seen as weird? How about, people who drink coffee are the weird ones. You guys are doing something they’ve been doing for 500 years. Maybe you should mix it up every once in a while. Do you wear the same clothes every day? Eat the same thing every day? Brush your teeth and take a shower every day? Well, if you don’t do that last one stay at least 4 miles away from me. Us non coffee drinkers are pioneers. We’re doing something different. Lewis and Clark of the caffeine world! SEND ME TO FREEDOM!

So next time someone tells you they don’t drink coffee, don’t fill their office cube with Juan Valdez posters and don’t put coffee beans in their gas tank. Ask them what they’re doing later because we’re probably curing cancer, running philanthropic organizations and walking across water. Get on board. Coffee is white after labor day. It’s out. We’re in.

Now time to figure out how to get invited anywhere.



  1. shine said,

    I don’t drink coffee every morning. Or even most mornings. Caffeine has zero effect on me. Try telling people you’d rather have soda in the morning. It’s “unhealthy.”

    Newsflash: It’s unhealthy all day and so is your coffee.

    • Rahul said,

      Coffee is unhealthy? That’s not what Starbucks tells me.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    I love coffee. It’s not really the fact that it gives me a nice jolt in the morning than it is I really like the taste. Dunkin Donuts is some good coffee.

    But see I hate Red Bull. To me it’s more like an afternoon drink or to be drank with vodka. Having it first thing in the morning seems gross. Plus Red Bull makes me feel like I just mainlined cocaine. (not that I’ve ever done that, just using an example)

    But the way you feel about coffee is how I feel about soda. I never drink it. Unless it’s a jack and coke.

    • Just A Girl said,

      That’s how I feel about red bull. I associate it with vodka, and that’s a really unpleasant thought at negative one million o’clock when I get to work. Bluh.

    • Rahul said,

      We live in California.We don’t have Dunkin Donuts. WHY MUST YOU TEASE?!?!

  3. amindinmotown said,

    I’m now following you on twitter … you better follow me back. Or else.

    P.S. I don’t drink coffee either.

  4. dollyasylum said,

    I do love coffee admittedly, but I only drink it occasionally. Green tea all the way for me. It’s lighter on the stomach, and doesn’t make me need to pee every 5 minutes for the next hour.
    I don’t have a problem with non coffee drinkers, so long as they don’t talk to me, or breathe near me, with their horrid non-coffee breath. Just kidding…unless they also dislike chocolate, which means they are evil, and inhuman.

    • Rahul said,

      Why do they call it green tea? Doesn’t seem green to me.


      I’ll be using that in my stand up act.

  5. moooooog35 said,

    Coffee is my morning porn.

    After 11 a.m, though..no more coffee. Just straight porn.

    I’m not sure that makes me any less creepy.

  6. stealthnerd said,

    Here here and to hell with coffee! We don’t *all* need it. Or want it. Or like it. It’s gross. Plus, I feel more badass when I start my day drinking MORNING THUNDER! It’s caffeinated tea and it wakes me up but clearly the best part about it is that it’s called MORNING THUNDER!!!!!

    • Rahul said,

      Morning Thunder sounds awesome. That’s my new band name.

  7. Tara said,

    FYI – went to your old site and it’s not a link. Not that I’m that lazy to copy and paste it in a new window…but kinda, I am 🙂 Might be easier for others (like me) who visit the Beard site – some people just don’t update their blogroll 🙂

    I don’t drink coffee either and some waiters give me a look of dismay when I tell them after they come harass me after my meal for a coffee request. Oh well, what can you do.

  8. Ask Alice said,

    I love coffee. I’ll drink it at midnight if I want because I just love it that much. Caffeine doesn’t seem to affect me or my alertness but I just love the taste of plain black coffee – no sugar.

    Love. It.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: