At the Movies. I Have Two Thumbs.

March 30, 2010 at 11:54 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

There are a lot of things that I don’t understand. The economic infrastructure of the United States, women’s fashion, the renaissance period, Gary Coleman’s continued grip on the public’s fascination, but since the advent of the Internet there’s one thing I have real problem getting a grasp on.

Movie Critics.

I don’t understand people who criticize movies. I never have and I never will. See unlike the economy (subprime mortgages were given to people with bad credit), women’s fashion (high split skirts are in this summer. YES!) and the renaissance (birth of the Ninja turtle names and art that would shape the world) there is some understanding that can go on. You can pick up on points and know what you’re talking about. As for Gary Coleman, well, I still don’t get it.

Whatchu talkin’….

Let’s just move on.

For as long as I can remember people have been reviewing movies and giving their opinions. Some critics have made their names based on watching movies and tearing them apart. Ebert, I’m looking in your direction. Some people actually listen to critics and go to movies based on what they say. Let me ask something.


Why do we listen to people tell us about movies? We all have different taste when it comes to music and movies. Some people hate something, some people love it. There is no way to quantify what is a good movie and what is a bad movie other than what someone feels. See in sports you can say “Player A” is better than “Player B” because there are numbers and statistics to back it up. In movies how can you define what is good and what is bad? Hell, I liked “Dude, Where’s My Car?”. The critics tell you facts about movies. Facts that they KNOW are true! I’m all-knowing, LISTEN TO ME! Let’s check out some of the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes (a website built solely on opinion) on that movie.

“Don’t bring a date – they’ll dump you straight afterwards. ” -some dude from Ireland

“There have been more coherent plots in pornos. ” – Tor Thorsen

“None, repeat, none of this is funny. ” – Cody Clark.

Look at those 3 reviews. What are they telling us? That this movie sucks to all hell. Right. It also tells us that Tor Thorsen watches an inordinate amount of pornography that he can compare the screenwriting of “Jack and Jill and Jill” to this film. Tor. One word of advice. Leave the computer. LEAVE THE COMPUTER.

Someone hand him a tissue.

If i had listened to those reviews I would have never seen the movie. I also would not have seen Christie Boner Whoo-whos. Is it an Oscar-winning film? I don’t know. I don’t vote on those things, but critics (who also don’t vote on those things) thought it wasn’t. I’ll never understand the requirements for being a movie critic. “Can you see?”, “Have you seen a movie before?” “Do you have a soul?”. Seriously, what do you have to do? Just write anything, be a little witty, drop in a “cinematography” reference every know and then and top it off with “brilliant piece of acting by blah blah blah”.

Where’s my check?

The fact that we,as a society, actually go to see movies or watch TV shows or listen to music based on people who have never worked in movies, TV, or in music is mind numbing. You may as well go up to Jorge, who’s waiting at the 7-11 and speaks no English, and ask him for the best thing to wear to a dinner party. “Jorge, what is this “el bano” piece you’re talking about? Sounds FABULOUS!” It makes no sense to judge what you will and won’t like based on the review of someone who doesn’t work in the business. Guess what?!? I watch movies too, so do you, and you, and you, maybe not you, but you and you. We’re all experts. To drive this point home, last week I was looking up reviews of Hot Tub Time Machine. A movie so ridiculously far-fetched that it’s a COMEDY and is slapstick. We’re not going to see Rain Man. As I was browsing through the reviews I saw this.

“Only time will tell if Hot Tub Time Machine is the dumbest premise for a time-travel movie of all time. ”

Gary Wolcott, Tri-City Herald


Let’s file that under “doesn’t get it.” Does he realize the movie isn’t about time travel? What was he expecting? The Terminator? I can imagine Gary watching the movie.

“What kind of time travel is this! A hot tub is not a time traveling device! How does it fuel up to go back in time? It’s not car. A hot tub doesn’t even have wheels. The water in the tub would short-circuit the electrical equipment and create a huge fire. What about physics?!!? What a disgraceful premise! This is an outrage of biblical proportions. Jesus wouldn’t go back in time in some sort of HOT TUB! I am shocked and/or appalled that they would undercut my intelligence like this. I AM NOT A FOOL!”

The sad part is that some people will read that review and not see the movie even though they planned on it. Someone that’s no different from me or you will stop you from seeing a comedy about the 80s. If so, then so be it. I can’t stop you. I just ask you to do one thing.

Tell me why we care about Gary Coleman.

We’re all experts.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    I think it would be fun to be a movie critic. But I agree I see movies because I want to see them not because some critic said it was good.

    I’m sure the critics thought Lord of the goddamn Rings was a great movie but guess what? I have no intention of ever seeing it.

    • rs27 said,

      My brother locked himself in his room and watched all 3 in a row. We never saw him again.

  2. Jay said,

    I find that watching (and subsequently enjoying) movies is mostly about expectation management. Even the most ridiculous movies have cinematic merit if you get yourself in the right frame of mind. I mean, was Battlefield Earth meant to be a comedy? Of course not, but that didn’t stop it from being hilarious.

    • rs27 said,

      This is the smartest comment ever. I would give you a prize but someone on the Internet told me prize giving is stupid.

  3. dollyasylum said,

    Amen! It baffles me that “critic” is actually a paid job. WTF? There are obviously a lot of mindless sheep who are too dumb to form their own opinons for this to have become an actual “proffession”.
    I’ll admit, SOMETIMES I read a review or two of a movie I’m interested in seeing, but generally to get more of an idea of what it might be about.
    I’ve never heard of “Hot tub Time Machine”, but it sounds hilarious!
    Yes, some critics (and alas, people in general) are not yet familiar with the concept of IRONY!
    Good post!

    • rs27 said,

      Reading reviews is ok. Listening to them is dumb. Remember when everyone said Candlebox would never make it as a band? REMEMBER?!? They were totally…oh..bad example.

  4. Lenore said,

    you should watch downloading nancy

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