Jello, Tiger Woods, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Together at Last.

April 6, 2010 at 2:09 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

One of the big news/pop culture/ sports stories this week is the return of Tiger Woods to hitting a tiny ball in a tiny hole about 400 yards away 18 times. You remember that guy, right? You know the one that cheated on his hot Swedish wife with 3,461 women in places that ranged from hotel rooms to backseat of cars to caves in Afghanistan that housed the Taliban? I know. I’m outraged too. I can’t believe not one of those women were as good-looking as his wife. Isn’t that worse as a woman? You’re pretty hot and you’re rich and famous husband cheats on you with women that aren’t as hot as you. Talk about a self-esteem dropkick to the medulla oblongata. You might as well light your ovaries on fire.

I don’t condone this.

When this whole thing went down everyone talked about how disgusting Woods was so sponsors started dropping him left and right. Accenture? Gone. At&T? Replaced by Pudgy and annoying Luke Wilson. Gatorade? It’s not in Elin anymore (See what I did there?). Now the story is whether Woods will get his sponsorships back. I’ll say this.

No one cares.

Does anyone care who the hell is promoting a product? This is 2010. We don’t even watch commercials. I wait for about 20 minutes after a show’s air time to start watching it on my DVR so I can fast forward the ads. When a pop ad starts talking to me on the Internet I squash the “x” like it’s the whack a mole game at the arcade. (Aside: When do moles just pop up and you have a hammer to bash them? Wouldn’t this injure the mole to the point where it wouldn’t keep popping up? Yet, in the arcade game the mole and his moley friends always are coming back for more in a dizzying array of power and speed. This is some kind of super animal that must be stopped! Call your local SPCA to stop this infestation of Super moles! Or call Will Smith. Same thing).

Back to the ads. Let’s be serious. Just because a celebrity or sports star is promoting a product doesn’t mean that anyone will buy it. Those types of ads are directed towards children. So children can bug their parents to buy Hanes underwear because Michael Jordan endorses it. So why drop Tiger Woods from endorsements? The only people it affects are kids. It’s not like your 11-year-old kid is going to watch Tiger Woods shilling for some product and go “you know what, mother, Tiger was unfaithful to his wife who he exchanged vows with and I am not comfortable annoying you to buy me a product which he continues to endorse. I am appalled.” What 11-year-old would say that?

Dakota Fanning.


Adults buy products which they need, not because Lindsay Lohan told them to. Why do we buy things? I buy Gatorade because I’m parched. I buy Hefty Trash bags because I need to take out the trash and they’re reliable. I go to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy a closet organizer because the super hot sales girl told me that it would be easier to sort through my clothes and I dreamed of having copious sexual encounters with her in the closet which is now organized. These are valid reasons to buy things!

I also own a blender, talking alarm clock, spongebob mug and a Gonzo doll for those reasons.

We don’t need people to tell us what to buy. We’re grown up. When I watch TV, the person pitching it to me has no effect on me. So why take away the pitchman for something that is wrong? I DON’T CARE. If Jeffrey Dahmer was the pitchman for Jello instead of Bill Cosby I would still buy it and make it since Jello is so refreshing. Jeffrey Dahmer ATE PEOPLE. Does this make me a bad person? No, it makes Jello a bad person for being so delicious.

Dahmer would have brought an all new meaning to “Eat out of your hand”.

So let Tiger Woods keep pitching his BMWs, Cadillacs, and whatevers. It won’t affect your bottom line because no one pays attention.

Unless it’s a closet organizer. I’ll take 7.



  1. Cheddar said,

    I think Jeffery Dahmer might actually be less creepy as the Jello pitchman. Mmmmm…pudding pops.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    Um typo, Dakota Fanning is 16.

    If Tiger Woods was in charge of my life I’m pretty sure the last thing he would be telling me what to do is buy Gatorade.

    • Rahul said,

      Yeah but when she was 11 she was ruining everything. Man on Fire I’m looking in your direction

  3. Nicole said,

    Why don’t they make pudding pops anymore??? So sad.

  4. Ask Alice said,

    Pudding pops ARE amazing

    That’s pretty much what I got from this post…


    • Rahul said,

      you put the O in the JELLO with the THEO and the RUDY.

      -Bill Cosby

  5. shine said,

    I was pretty much thinking Dakota Fanning or any of those dudes from Dawson’s Creek, back in the day.

    I don’t understand the fuss, either. I don’t think I’ve ever even SEEN a commercial with Tiger Woods. Because commercials suck. But I might watch one with Jeffery Dahmer, so maybe you’re onto something there.

    • Rahul said,

      I am Tiger Woods. You haven’t seen that one? It was a bunch of people not Tiger Woods saying that.Made no sense.

  6. chiefy said,

    is it just me or were there like 40 sexual innuendos in that commercial?

    • Rahul said,

      PUDDING POPS?!? that’s like 31 right there.

  7. dollyasylum said,

    Good point! I can’t actually even think of any ads I’ve seen Tiger in…
    I actually heard a comedian the other day who made a pretty valid point too- i cant remember the exact words he used, so my version won’t be funny, but basically he was saying that it’s kinda hypocritical to drop Tiger Woods from promoting their products on “moral grounds”….When did morality ever come into the equation where corporations are concerned?! Making kids work in sweatshops for 2 cents per hour is fine…but we don’t like it when people cheat on each other!
    Having said that, I do feel awfully sorry for his wife. her confidence must be sky high right now :S

    • Rahul said,

      Morality means something when you play golf at a country club which doesn’t allow women or minorities.

      Also the Nike kids make 5 cents an hour. USE THE FACTS!

      • dollyasylum said,

        True. I wasn’t denying that! I just think it IS kinda hypocritical for corporatoins to preach morality….
        Oh, 5 cents. They’re getting a bit spoilt now i see.

  8. Marie said,

    Actually, he had affairs with 3, 463 women, not 3, 461. You were close though.

  9. amindinmotown said,

    …I bought Flirty Girl Fitness. I think this disproves your entire argument.

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