Pet Semataries are Gross

April 8, 2010 at 12:08 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

Everyone has their own pet peeves. It’s imbedded into human nature to have something that drives you crazy and gets on your nerves. I have my own pet peeves, of course. I don’t like people who are at four-way stops first and then wave you through. I don’t like mechanical pencils. I don’t like pale people who wear the color yellow because it makes them look paler and they’re not following the color scale to match their skin tone. I mean come on. The yellow sucks in your skin color and makes you….

I’ve said too much.

The one thing that universally gets on people’s nerves are lines. Well, maybe not that coke dealer that you “randomly” ran into at Whole Foods last week, but for everyone else we do not like lines. Seeing a line, waiting in line, drawing a line, we hate it all. Lines ruin our days. They push back meeting times. They make you stand uncomfortably for a while and all that jazz. We get it, they suck. The other day I had to go to the DMV and there was a line around the block. So I had to bear it and wait in line to get my registration. Such is life. As I’m waiting a lady walks by and says…

“WHOA, this is a long line!”

Yes, thank you for that wonderful revelation Mrs. Nostradamus. This is what I can’t stand about lines, the people who tell you that the line is long or my personal favorite ” I can’t believe there’s a line out here!” Well, excuse me, what do you expect at a combination Miley Cyrus/ Joe Jonas book signing? Free access?

The best part of these outbursts is that the people who say these things are never with anyone else. They are just shouting said statement to the people already in the line. Is this breaking news to anyone? Yes, it’s a line. By you shouting out an observant statement it doesn’t mean that A) people are going to say “WHAT?!?! THIS IS A LINE!! Thank you kind sir, for I thought this a human domino convention. Onward to Oxford my good chap! (British people wait in lines too), B) Someone is going to give a high five. No, by stating that obvious statement people are going to resent you for being a jerk. That’s right, there is no need to remind us that we’re waiting in a line.We’re already in a piss poor mood and you made it worse with your cockamamie statements. Guess what?!?! Everyone else knows it’s long too.

That’s what she said?

Sorry.

The close cousin to pointing out the “line” is the person that points out the weather. We all know this person. You’ve had a long day at the office and need to go to your car. You get into the elevator with a stranger from the 5th floor and awkwadly stare straight ahead or down at the floor so as not to have any human interaction in a confined space that may or may not smell. As you get through the doors, the sun hits you in mid July and you put on your sunglasses. You take that first step and….

“Oooooh child! It sure is hot out here like all get out!”

Maybe Madea works on the 5th floor. Or Maya Angelou. I don’t discriminate.

This is the same person that would point out the line. This is a unrespondable question. What do we say? Yes? This is not a conversation starter. The best thing to say is “No, as a matter of fact it is not that warm out here, you are crazy.” And run. RUN LIKE THE WIND. There is no reason to be telling me it’s hot. I have senses. I was not in I, Robot. What satisfaction are you getting out of this? Did you want to be the first person to tell me it’s hot? If so, while we were in the elevator you should have said ” When we get outside, I’m going to proclaim the warmness of the weather to no one in particular. It will be slightly awkward and weird. Proceed to carry on with the formalities of your day and Peace Be the Journey”.

Violent journeys are no fun. No fun at all.

One day people won’t feel the need to talk to hear themselves. On that day I will throw a party. A party of silence. It will involve book reading, hand holding and a marathon viewing of “The Bad Girls Club”. We will eat meats and cheeses and prance about the kingdom.

Just remember to follow the skin tone scale if you come.

Otherwise I’ll be peeved. (Full Circle)

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25 Comments

  1. Cheddar said,

    I always respond to “those people” with a blank stare. I’ve been told it’s unnerving and generally gets them to shutup. Although, I don’t wait in lines. But I do always follow the skin tone scale.

  2. Jay said,

    Just think — someday we’ll have augmented reality apps on our phones that are powerful enough to tag people with important social data, specifically how big of a douchestick they are. Can’t wait!

    • Rahul said,

      What if a douchestick exploded out of the iPhone when you touched it?

      Mind?

      Blown.

  3. chiefy said,

    This is a blog. On the internet!

  4. chelsea said,

    British people don’t wait in line, they stand in queues.

    • Rahul said,

      Then they eat quiche quickly in a quandry of quizzes with Don Quixote!

      I’m impressed with myself.

  5. Kate Carter said,

    I CAN’T STAND A LINE!!

  6. chele said,

    I like line dancing

  7. Maxie said,

    Come on. Anyone can wear yellow, it just has to be the RIGHT yellow.

    Have you learned nothing from what not to wear?

    • Rahul said,

      That’s the point. No one wears the right yellow. Stop looking like a caution sign people!

  8. Ask Alice said,

    See you just have to bribe people more and you wouldn’t have to stand in line as much.

    What?

  9. Marie said,

    The sun came out today. True story.

    • Rahul said,

      Not in Alaska. I checked the weather. You got got.

  10. Toe said,

    Cokamamie is a funny word.

    I totally agree, it’s like these people are on twitter the whole time. Soon the whole population will be just walking around going “I ate bacon for lunch yumm” and “RPatz is hot” to no one particular just the air.

    • Rahul said,

      I want to make a robot that shouts out obvious statments.

      “Hello, you are a man”
      ” It is 75.4 degrees today in Los Angeles”
      “The Sand gets into your vagina”.

  11. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    i pay people lots of money to aviod having to wait in line.

  12. lbluca77 said,

    I was so going to comment about people that talk about the weather then you covered it. Thanks for stealing my comment.

    • Rahul said,

      It’s not stealing if you don’t get caught. This is how I rationalized ages 14-28

  13. laurenne said,

    DISAGREE. Would much rather start a conversation than stand next to another human while we both pretend not to notice the other’s existence. Like in elevators. So weird!

    So I’ll admit it: I’m the one who says something obvious (sorry!). But I only choose the obvious because you can’t really go into anything really deep with strangers. The moment you start talking about your grandma’s diapers and ask them to check a mole on your back, elevator strangers start pushing buttons.

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