The Few, The Proud, The Terrifying

April 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

Sometimes in life we do things we never thought we do. Some of us may jump out of a plane. Others of us may walk up to the first pretty person they see and ask them on a date. Some of us may switch away from a Gmail e-mail address to AOL and warp back in time to 1996. Whatever, it may be, it’s fun to do something that is out of our normal realm. On Saturday I had a chance to do just that.

I killed a man.


I’m sure some of you are now looking for the punchline to that phrase. Ok, fine. We played paintball. But since I added that extra sentence in there maybe you thought I did kill someone and then come up with an elaborate plan to save me from impending incarceration. Maybe even creating this invisible force field of interwebs that sucks me into the computer and keeps me safe for rest of eternity. That’s a great movie plot. I shall call it…

The Net.

Because Net is short for “Internet”. Get it? Get it?

Oh, that’s taken. You win this round Sandra Bullock. It’s about time Sandy B got back in the win column.

You see I had never participated in paintball before. I had seen it in glamorized on ESPN and the hit NBC show “Las Vegas” and thought, “hey that could be fun”. So on Saturday my friend had a charity event and we all headed out there for a day of shooting people who you knew, moderately knew, and that were complete strangers, in the face with some balls.

Too easy.

We headed out early in the morning for a nice all day shootout. As we rolled up I thought that there wouldn’t be too many people there. I mean, for the love of Hey-Zeus, it was 830 AM on a Saturday. Who is up that early on a weekend to do something recreationally that you have to pay for?

1,000 other idiots.

As we pulled in it looked like we had been dropped next to Abu Ghraib without the whole shoving objects into people’s rectums thing going on. I had never seen so many people decked out in camouflage and weapons before. Instead of paintball it looked like the people there were going to take over a small section of the park, stick a skull and bones flag in the ground, claim it as their own and then burn small children as sacrifices for the paintball Gods. It was as surreal as seeing Flava Flav speak in public.

Yeah, boooyyyyyyyy!

A good 75 percent of the people there were decked out in Army gear so real looking that when I asked my friend, jokingly, if he thought there were real military veterans playing paintball, he looked at me and stone cold said , “Yeah, of course.” THEIR MIND GAMES HAVE WORKED! While we waited around I noticed all the different game fields were named after a different war-torn part of the world. Kosovo, Iraq, North Vietnam, North Korea, Afghanistan. There were 20 different fields all with a different name. Rwanda, Somalia, Beirut. It was the typical “What the hell is wrong with America moment.” Yet with all the names something was missing. That’s right. No American cities were considered war torn enough to have a field named after them.

” David, party of 15, report to Baltimore, report to Baltimore”

Hey, Baltimore gets no respect. That place is a debacle. I’ve seen The Wire. Avon Barksdale don’t play.

It was amazing to see so many people taking it so seriously with their own paintball guns and equipment they had paid for. Some were even using the army phrase “Hoo Rah” when starting chants. One kid was dressed in an outfit that looked like grass and Big Foot had a kid. For all I know it was Sasquatch Jr. I shall call him Sassy J. It was one of those days that you look around and are equally parts grateful this isn’t real war and equally parts disturbed with the fascination of shooting people in any kind of setting. This is what America has become. Glorifying violence and war for the sheer entertainment of individuals without realizing the sacrifices our men and women are putting in overseas.

Then with a vengeance I reigned down paintballs on unsuspecting individuals with the strength of a thousand suns!

Here is something I can’t understand.

How I Could Just Kill A Man.



  1. Marie said,

    They had Beirut in there? Why am I not surprised?

    Amazing that it’s ok to have violent games that are played but OMG DON’T SAY THE WORDS VAGINA OR PENIS in public and don’t even think of talking about S-E-X.

    One other thing, balls.

    • Rahul said,

      I had to censor all of those words. This is a age appropriate blog.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    I’ve never played paintball before but I have had flying balls coming at me.

  3. moooooog35 said,

    We did paintball for my bachelor party.

    You haven’t lived until you’ve shot a stripper at point-blank range.

    Sometimes, I even used a paintball gun.

  4. Ask Alice said,

    I’ve never paintballed but my sisters went last week and came home with huge bruises – ack!

    Ohh, you make me laugh

    • Rahul said,

      Paintball amateurs. Always wear long sleeves and pants. Women be fashionable.

  5. Elizabeth said,

    Hhmm… I always thought paintball was recreation for guys who played World of Warcraft.

    I wasn’t too far off…

    • Rahul said,

      Um, It’s Modern Warfare and Dungeons and Dragons. Get it right.

  6. Matt said,

    HA, nice. Paintball is awesome.

    and so is flava flav’s public speaking ability.

    • Rahul said,

      You have not lived until you’ve seen Flava Flav give someone advice.

  7. Martini said,

    Fantastic storytelling sir.

    I want to paintball……s.

    See what I did there?

    • Rahul said,

      Nope, missed it. You want to paint stuff? Weirdo.

  8. makeoutmonster said,

    I’ve always wanted to try paintballing, but I figure with my luck I’ll get nailed in the face.

    • Rahul said,

      Thats what she said.

      too easy. I apologize.

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