Charity Speak Easy

April 22, 2010 at 1:23 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

Today is Earth Day. Another Day I didn’t know existed until I opened up my Facebook account and saw people wishing each other “Happy Earth Day.” Shouldn’t we be wishing the Earth, “Happy Earth Day”? I mean don’t get me wrong I like a happy greeting as much as the next person, just look at my somee-cards account, but if it was Little Johnny’s birthday you wouldn’t go up to his mom and say Happy Birthday, would you? No, you would go right up to his mom and say “I can’t believe you invited me to this little brat’s party. Here’s his present, it’s a racecar, where’ the ice cream at, IT BETTER BE CHOCOLATE?!?!”.

Once you go black..and such.

Being the philanthropist that I am I usually get e-mail from various charities about sending money and helping out. (insert hacky blogger penile enlargement joke here). Let’s be honest. What do we do when we signed up for a fun run in 2006 for the Advocacy of Hangnail Prevention and they bombard us with e-mails week after week? That’s right. Delete. We delete every single one. Don’t look at me like I’m some kind of monster, you do it too. We all do it. I can see inside.

Today I opened my e-mail and saw a note from the American Lung Association that asked “What can you do this Earth Day?” First off, I can do anything that I want. I am a man. We can move suns and moons and strike down violence with fury of one million buffaloes. I was told in 4th grade I could do whatever I wanted to do. How dare you tell me ALA what I can and can’t do on a certain day. This is unconscionable. Secondly, there was a line in the e-mail that said “Give a gift in honor of Earth Day”. A GIFT! YES!

“Here you go sweet Earth, I have bought you a 4th generation Playstation and this biography that was done on you called ‘Planet Earth’. I hope you enjoy. Don’t get emotional about seeing your brethren stomp on you in the hopes of making you obsolete in 2500 years. We all die sometime. xoxoxo -Rahul”

The Earth needs a hug.

Listen, we can all raise money to help the Earth. We can all stop lighting our bras on fire, but what fun is that? The only way to save this planet is to stop being a moron. Last I checked there are 6 billion plus people on this planet. Does that include Australians? I don’t know. I’m not a census taker, take it up with Queen Elizabeth. Judging by that count there is bound to be at least a million people eating styrofoam cups, using aerosol spray cans and throwing plastic rings into the ocean. That’s without counting the entire state of New Jersey. So up that number to around 9 million.

Beating up the beat indeed.

YOU can make this an Earth Day to remember by doing your part.

I’ll watch. I’m tired.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    I didn’t litter today. You’re welcome, Earth

  2. Ask Alice said,

    I went to Holt Renfrew to drool on hideously expensive clothing today and they were handing out baby trees


    And they were all snugly wrapped up in plastic. How very earth conscious.

    • Rahul said,

      Too bad there’s no where to plant that tree. Asphalt soil?

  3. Matt said,

    Does Earth have a facebook page?

    I need to get in touch to see if I can borrow that Planet Earth dvd. I heard its an amazing movie.

  4. saratogajean said,

    Earth Day 2010: Again, I didn’t push the button.

    You’re welcome, Earth.

    Also, I did not flush. Just in case I forget next year.

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