Second Place is the First Awesome

April 27, 2010 at 11:25 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

We live in an era of “first”. Everyone has to be first to do anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure the whole reason Twitter was created was for narcissistic individuals to say information that pops in their head right away and/or be the person to say “I haz heards that Mary J track likes last Septbre. You lates yo!”

I imagine that person being Kevin Federline.


Lets be honest, who doesn’t like being the first person to see, hear or write something? We all do. It’s why you’re on the Internet right now. You want to read new info or write something witty or intelligent that no one else has heard of. It is the strive to become relevant in our utterly irrelevant lives. While that may be harsh to say, it is the truth. We all suck. Except for Christian Bale. That dude is BRINGING IT. What “it” is, I’m not exactly sure, but I’m guessing it’s a violent temper mixed with amazing acting chops and the ability to be the greatest You Tube Remix video of all time.


(note to self: 2009 wants their jokes back. Way to be an internet hack you idiot)

Since we live in 2010 we want info and we want it now. In everyone’s group of friends you always have that one person that somehow sees, listens or reads something before everyone else. You bring up “Ironman” and they’ll say “Oh, I saw that like 5 years ago in pre pre pre production. It was off the chain, homes!” I don’t know why I wrote “chain” or “homes” in that sentence since I know no one that speaks that way. I call it literary license. That’s what that Vonnegut dude would say. Anyways, since I’m on the Internet 20 hours out of the day, that person is usually me. I’m annoying.

Don’t defriend me on Facebook. I’m fragile.

But sometimes we meet people who go above and beyond this. We meet people who tell us about something that is going to happen. “Listen to this song, it’s going to blow up in 2011!”. These are the people who get off on being first. No, seriously, they have orgasms in their pants from being numero uno. Orgasms and number one is kind of gross. (I wish I didn’t write any of the previous sentences. Forgive me Superman for I have sinned.) You know these people. They write “FIRST” in every Internet post so they can be um, well, first. Deep thoughts. They want to introduce us to things we don’t even like or have any time to think about. “As a matter of fact I wasn’t thinking that a blend of duck and cow was going to become the super animal in 2020. But thanks for injecting your intelligence on me. Now excuse me, I am one block away from winning this minesweep….”


These type of people ruin everything. Your computer games and then your willingness to be a nice person. I only have this to say to those people who have to be first. You weren’t first. NO I DIDN’T. Yes I did. You see, every time you think you’re the first one to do anything someone else has already done it. That’s right. The first person to invent the telephone. Not Alexander Graham Bell. No, he just had a sweet name. The moral to this story? People steal everything. The person in the next cube that tells you about the new Tom Cruise movie so they can be attributed to it first. Oh no, they weren’t first. They read it on Videogum or FilmDrunk or IMDB. Let me just say this to anyone that thinks their first to uncover anything.

Shut up.

Next time someone tells you about a hip new song that is “underground” tell them that you read Radar Online too. WE CAN ALL SEE IT. Except for blind people. Sorry Stevie Wonder, I have failed you. Stop being the first to do anything. No one cares that you waited in line for 6 hours to see the Sex and the City Movie on opening night so you can report back to your friends. You’re not cool. Well, maybe you are, I’m not the cool brigade. But you’re not cool to me. In fact, you’re decidedly uncool for bragging about it. And what’s uncooler than being a braggart?

Ice cold.

alright alright alrig…





  1. lbluca77 said,

    Those people usually have no friends.

    • Rahul said,

      That’s why they tell everyone else. We’re all victims!

  2. shine said,

    Please tell me you wrote this entire post while wearing pink pants as an homage to Matthew McConaughey. Please.

    • Rahul said,

      Ok I did. I don’t like to let anyone down.

  3. Rachel said,


  4. Rachel said,


  5. saratogajean said,

    First it the worst…

    Second is the best…

    Third is the one with the hairy, hairy chest.

    This was always the worst insult in my brownie troop. I imagine it going over slightly different in cub scouts.

    (BTW, I misspelled “first” as “fist;” I’m going to bet that “fist” is actually worse.)

    • Rahul said,

      Why is third always getting a bad rap. You get a medal for that in the Olympics. A brown one.

  6. Chelsea said,

    I’m always first to thumbs down on any “FIRST!” comment I see on YouTube, That has to count for something right?

    • Rahul said,

      If more people were like you You Tube would be shut down in 3.5 billion years. Keep up the good work.

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