Remember That One Time…

April 30, 2010 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized) ()

(Like Lost this is a FLASHBACK! Maybe it’s a Flash Forward? Maybe it’s a Smoke Monster? Oh Spoiler. If you don’t watch Lost, um, maybe it’s a DeLorean. If you’ve never seen Back to the Future, well, this just got awkward. Continue with your day. Nothing to see here)

You know what’s awesome? Ice cream. I’m glad we agree. But what else is awesome is waking up in the morning to go to the DMV, but then realizing that you got something in the mail a week ago for something else. What was that again? Oh right.

Court.

I had appearance in court because hey, police are stupid faces. Police IS stupid faces? Whatever, stupid grammar being stupid. This all stemmed from me getting pulled over for not having registration back in December, then me not showing up for court because no one told me and now me having to show up at LA’s most prized law governing body, the Supreme Court of West Los Angeles. Let’s give it up everybody!

I knew it was going to be a long morning when the guy in front of me at the security clearance put all his possessions on the conveyor belt thing and BEFORE he went through the security arch, he picked up all his things from the conveyor belt and THEN walked through the arch. (is that what it’s called? Security Arch? Maybe Security Gazebo).

After that awesome display of wits I sat in the courtroom while the court bailiff, which was not Bull from Night Court, read everyone’s name on the docket. Since it was arraignment court all you had to say was Guilty (pay the fine), Not Guilty (set a trial date) or No Contest (Guilty but can’t be taken to civil court). A fact which was repeated to us about 752 times through the morning. Guilty, Not Guilty, No Contest. 3 choices. This wasn’t some IQ test with its myriad of nonsensical questions.

If a train leaves at 4 A.M. from San Francisco and a boy starts walking from NY, at what time will he get run over by a giraffe in the middle of Omaha if he’s eating Slim Jims?

Saw that on the SAT once. Racially biased.

After bizzarro Bull read everyone’s name off the docket and butchered mine to all hell we sat down extremely close to one another in the first 4 rows of the courtroom. I, in fact, was the white on someone’s rice. In this case brown.

Once we sat down the show began. We had a lady speaking in Spanish in the corner talking on her cellphone. Fantastic. She was escorted out. We had a guy that was pissed that there were additional fees added to his fine.

“Oh, naw man, naw, you can’t do me like that.”

Judges love that.

And my personal favorite the 20 year old girl who said, ” I had alcohol, but I wasn’t in a car. This is totally bogus.” Then she pleaded guilty.

I love this country!

Court is pretty great to people watch, the problem is that I can’t contain myself when we’re all being seated. For instance when the Judge called out the names one of the names was..

Lan Suk Wong

Ok, I’m sorry and I understand that’s his name, but it was hilarious. I started giggling uncontrollably. Am I a jerk? Yes. But come on. Lan Suk Wong? First of all, it was immaturely funny. Secondly, all I thought about was Long Duk Dong the whole time. While I was giggling I noticed attractive girl also giggling. Giggle buddies! Then I stole a glance at her name, Caroline.

So between trying to not look at Caroline’s radiant beauty and not laughing at Lan Suk Wong, I realized when you give people 3 choices, you’ve given them 2 choices too many.

Judge- “Guilty, not Guilty, No contest. How do You Plead?”

No Clue Johnson – “Well you see your honor, I was born in a small town outside of Ames, Iowa and it was a rough childhood. I would wear straw hats and knickers and party with the cows because no one lived within miles. When I went to high school…”

GUILTY, NOT GUILTY, NO CONTEST. HOW HARD COULD THIS BE?

Since people couldn’t follow the simple rules it took more than 2 hours to go through 30 people to say 3 words. What a debacle. Of course I had one more giggle outburst in me.

Woman – “Do I qualify for Community Service?”
Judge- “Yes you do, is that what you would like?”
Woman- “Well you see I’m pregnant, so can my husband take my community service for me?”

She just offered up her husband to go pick up trash on the side of the road. What a woman. What a woman.

Woman- “Hey honey, I got a surprise for you.”
Man- “Oh is it pie? I hope its pie!”
Woman- “Nope, I got you community service for nothing you did!”
Man- “Whoopee!”

I couldn’t take it and I blatantly busted out with a laugh. The judge was not impressed. In fact I got the Judge stare down. I thought contempt was in my future. I can’t control humor, your honor!

Then I got up there, talked to the judge, and he dropped all the fines and charges. Then I swept up Caroline, grabbed her arm and skipped all the way to the diner for some root beer floats and jukebox tunes.

Some of that previous sentence was made up. Ok, all of the previous sentence was made up.

“I take you to court!” has a whole different meaning now.

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10 Comments

  1. saratogajean said,

    So…when are you picking up trash for the pregnant lady?

    PICTURES! I demand pictures.

    Work that reflective vest.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    The pregnant lady should name her baby Lan Suk Wong.

    • Rahul said,

      What if her baby WAS Lan Suk Wong? Mind? Blown.

  3. Jeff C. said,

    In high school, we had a kid named Hu Suk Wang. Swear to god.

    • Rahul said,

      I believe it. At least it wasn’t Miso Horney.

  4. laurenne said,

    My mom has a friend named Harry Wong. Ahahaha. Gigglefest every time I hear it. Wait, is gigglefest better than snoozefest or still not creative?

  5. Ben said,

    Lan Suk Wong is going to be SO pissed when he/she has this coming up when their boss googles his/her name. Well played!

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