America Ferrara May Have to Change Her Name

May 4, 2010 at 11:51 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Let’s be honest. America is falling apart. When there comes a feasible way to live on the moon, I will be on the 8000th shuttle out there since I will not have accumulated enough “Space Miles” to get on one of the first few flights. I SEE YOU RICH PEOPLE! Some of you may ask me why I wouldn’t move to another country. Um, they all use the metric system. Do I look crazy? I have a hard time just figuring out the tip on a $100 tab. Now I’m just going to put my weight into kilos and my height into centimeters? It would be an outrage. Yesterday on a flight back to LA, some girl from Canada was telling her boyfriend “its 26 degrees Celsius which is like 78 Fahrenheit.” How did she do that? ZOMG, she has a super computer as a brain! THE MACHINES ARE WINNING.

Saw Terminator 2 last week.

It’s over for humans.

Think about it. Just this past week we had an oil leak that may destroy the southern coastline, the Cumberland river overflowing and flooding major parts of Tennessee, a baseball fan in Philadelphia running on the field and getting tased, and an immigration law passed in Arizona where police can ask people they stop for proof of citizenship. All that’s missing is Dennis Quaid traipsing across the East Coast on ice looking for Jake Gyllenhaal at a library in New york. Spoiler alert: Jake Gyllenhaal is ruggedly handsome.

Saw it in Cosmo.

For men.

Yeah. That’s it.

The major news, of course, was the attempted car bomb in Time Square this past weekend. Anytime anything happens in New York the terror alert gets heightened for good reason. No one wants a replay of 9/11 or the WTC bombing in 1993. The only problem with this is that it gets out of control after a couple of hours. Within hours of the bomb being disarmed, NYC agencies were asking for any surveillance tape that anyone might have. Cell phone pics, home video, Polaroids were all encouraged. I’m not going to lie, I would have loved someone to walk up to a NYC police officer and handed them a Polaroid.

It’s the little things.

Within a day there had been video released of a white male removing an article of clothing and looking back at the car as he left. We were told that this guy was a person of interest and maybe he was the guy trying to make Times Square a cornucopia of nudie bar flyers and peanuts. Of course, everyone overreacted. THAT’S THE GUY! The grainy video was on CNN and the still picture was all over the papers. We were going to get this stripper, once and for all!

The g-string gave it away.

There’s only one problem with all of that. Have you been to Times Square? People are taking clothes off all the time. One time I was there and this guy took his pants off and peed in the alley and then walked back out and tried to hand me something. Like gonorrhea. I passed. What made this guy different from anyone else? HELLO. Times Square is ripe with weirdos. There’s only one person to look at to see that a guy taking a shirt off was no proof of a terrorist.

The Naked Cowboy.

That’s right. THERE’S A GUY PLAYING A GUITAR WITH ONLY UNDERWEAR ON. Why aren’t we treating this fool like a terrorist? Not only did he take his shirt off, he has no pants on. That would be my suspect zero. Get this guy to a detainment camp ASAP. I didn’t come down here to see a dude in underwear. If I wanted to see that I would open up this spreadsheet of Matthew McConaughey pictures. If we’re not arresting the Naked Cowboy, who can we arrest? Some dude taking a shirt off because it’s hot? If I was that guy and I got arrested for maybe setting off a bomb I would point right at the Naked Cowboy and ask why he wasn’t hauled away to the poke. What crime would the Naked Cowboy be arrested for? A crime of human decency. Sir, wear some pants.

This won’t be happening on the moon.

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13 Comments

  1. saratogajean said,

    When I was in NYC, it was winter and the Naked Cowboy was still (semi) Naked! I was shocked.

    But the crowd was too large around him to get a picture, so my friend and I got our picture taken with some guy in Spiderman pajamas. Naive as we were, we were all “wha–?” when he asked us for money.

    Freaks are charging for photo ops these days? This country mouse had surely arrived in the city.

  2. Jordan said,

    I saw a guy dressed up as Elvis shopping at an Old Navy in NY. I didn’t think that store was really Elvis’ style, but what do I know.

    Oh and the Naked Cowboy is totally responsible for this. He’s from OHIO for god’s sake. He’s not even a real cowboy.

    • Rahul said,

      Elvis likes to shop for the deals too. He’s only human.

  3. lbluca77 said,

    When I was on NY I did not see a guy with no pants on playing guitar.

    What a waste of a trip.

    • Rahul said,

      All you had to do was open your eyes. Are you sure you were in NY?

  4. tambourinequeen said,

    Its times like that I truly enjoy being a obnoxious European (my Asian side can hide for a bit or go do the dishes) while I laugh at the Americans, thinking how as a Scandinavian the naked thing is so passe. We sing Abba songs and ride bicycles naked by the country side, it might have been a porn.
    All of this must be read in Scandinavian accent.

    • Rahul said,

      I just threw in a bunch of “yahs” and “loogs” while reading this.

  5. LiLu said,

    I’m anti-pants, personally. You can keep your moon. We’ll all be down here, having the PANTS OFF DANCE OFF of the century!!!

  6. Matt said,

    Wait…

    why do you have a spreadsheet of Matthew Mcconaughey pics?

  7. Ask Alice said,

    I for sure thought I commented on here – something super witty and clever, but it seems to have disappeared. I blame the pantless cowboy.

  8. slinokekNoimi said,

    Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian,Earn Free Vouchers / Cash

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