That Guy In Memento Had It Good

May 18, 2010 at 11:03 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t have many above average qualities. I’m almost perfectly average. The only think I’ve wanted to do is have that one skill at parties that everyone stops and stares at your awesome talent. Whether it be playing music or the ability to break dance, we all want to be the center of attention. Apparently, the center of attention doesn’t apply to the person pointing and laughing at others while cheetos are drooling onto your chin. I can’t help the deliciousness of the cheeto. It’s like they put an obsessive amount of cheese on a Frito. Brilliance!

It’s the little things.

I can pretty much count my unique qualities on one hand. I can do a one man play of Cool Runnings. I can touch my tongue to my nose. I can…um..breathe? Humanity, you’ve won this round. You always win. TKO from Tokyo. The one thing I have been blessed with is a pretty good memory. I have the ability to remember anyone’s name from meeting them once and can recall certain facts about them. It’s like Rainman. Except completely different.

I’m a really good driver.

WE ALL ARE. STOP SHOWING OFF.

Now remembering names is all well and good, but I can remember the most mundane facts about meeting someone for the first time. Where we met, how we met, and most of the time being able to remember exactly what they were wearing at the time. When I tell people that my memory is pretty good, they usually say “I wish I had a good memory, mine sucks”. Why do they say that? I don’t know. Only one person ever told me that, but I feel like that’s what everyone should say. If everyone just said the same thing every time we talked, the world would be easier. CNN would have the same quotes over and over again and then I wouldn’t have to stare at Anderson Cooper’s handsomeness everyday and rue the day that my parents didn’t give birth to a middle-aged gray-haired white man.

Two last names. Always a party starter.

The thing is that I would rather have a bad memory. Or better yet, the ability to not prove to people that I remember every little fact about them. God hath give me diarrhea of the mouth. That is gross. You are not my God anymore, God. The problem is when I’m talking to someone and recognize them from before…

Me- “Oh, Hi Amy, good to see you again.”
Amu- “Have we met before?”
Me- “Yeah, remember, we met at Humberto’s BBQ like 2 months ago…”
Amy- “Oh yeah, good to see you again.”
Me- “Same here, how’s your goldfish doing? Something about gill cancer, it’s a rough one”
Amy- “Haha, you remember that? You have a pretty good memo…”
Me- “Yeah then you were talking about your brother meeting a transsexual online through Trans4us.com”
Amy- “Wow, super good memory, he’s..”
Me- “Not to mention you were wearing that red dress from Nordstrom, I believe that you got with a 10 percent discount.”
Amy- “This is getting weird”
Me- “Then you wipe your left hand on a napkin but it was too small so you wiped it on the chair. I totally saw that.”
Amy- “Um, so gotta go..”
Me- ” Where are you going? Do you still live in the white house next to church on state st.? I SAW YOU THERE ONCE!”
Amy- “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

That’s basically every interaction I’ve ever had with a stranger. I think it goes pretty well, outside of the 44 restraining orders I’ve had filed against me. I’ve had 25 dropped, though. I like those odds. See the problem is that I must tell these people everything I know. It would be much easier to have a crappy memory filled with bong resin and raisinets. That way I don’t come off looking like The Gooch from Differ’nt Strokes.

Aside: We wonder why spelling in this country has gone down the tubes. People like to point at rappers like Fabolous (really?) as the reason that spelling has taken a nosedive into the abyss of human learning. We should be looking at one and only Diff’rent Strokes. It what world is Different spelled Diff’rent? A DIFFERENT WORLD?!?! (Hey-Oh! Sorry.) What were the creators thinking when they put that out there? “Hey guys, you know what’s cool? Apostrophes. The only thing cooler is putting an apostrophe in our title for no reason! Now kids will know the proper way to contract words. Today is a new Tomorrow. FREEDOM!” Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised when why we get texts that say “I h8 u 2day and evrydy”. Let’s not blame the rap game for their slang. Let’s look straight at Gary Coleman. Then run away. He may ask you for money.

Having a good memory is great. You can impress your friends and co workers. Tell them things they need to know. You can memorize every rerun of Law and Order and CSI and plan your nights and days around the local radio station playing Coldplay at the same exact time. Then you can start crying. Because you’re creepy to everyone else.

If you have a good memory don’t tell anyone.

Unless you watch Wapner.

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10 Comments

  1. Marie said,

    You changed your blog theme!

    See? I remember some stuff. Now who are you again?

    • Rahul said,

      I have a new theme? I hope it’s “Bathroom humor”

  2. Shannon said,

    I, too, could do a one-man play of Cool Runnings. My sister and I quote it on a near-daily basis. Every conversation opens itself up to a perfect Cool Runnings line.

    “Sounds like a two-dollah hookah.”

    “I gotta catch up on my readin’.”

    “To the man in the orange suit.”

    “I could watch that backside all day.”

    “You could have your picture on a Wheaties box.”

    “Gentlemen, the bobsled is a simple thing.” “Yeah, so’s a toilet.”

    “Kissin’ an egg ain’t no kind of style.”

    Just a few off the top of my head. See? Can’t you see how those would be useful in every conversation? I’m pretty sure I slipped one in when talking to my exterminator today. “If it’s a children’s book then how come it’s too advanced for the likes of you?” Okay I didn’t really say that to him, but I could have.

    I think you should just work in one of the above into your awkward reuniting conversations, especially when it’s already starting to get awkward.

    • Rahul said,

      That’s Buckingham Palace, that’s where the Queen of England lives.

      I use that one ALL the time.

  3. Shannon said,

    That bit about the exterminator came across really snobby. Didn’t quite mean that. Just threw in a random line, didn’t exactly mean it to be an insulting one. My exterminator’s a prefect gentleman.

  4. Ask Alice said,

    So basically what you’re saying is to wear something nice the first time I meet you ( aka Friday!!!) and don’t tell you anything I don’t want you to use agsinst me later….
    Got it

  5. laurenne said,

    You have so many above average qualities, my friend. Wit being numero uno. I guess it’s hard to show that off at a party. You can’t really be like, “Hey everybody! Gather around and see how witty I can be.” I did that at a few frat parties in college and got a ton of red cups thrown at me.
    Oh well. Just keep it up with the Cool Runnings thing, I guess. You’ll find your niche.

    • Rahul said,

      I’m imagining you getting red cups thrown in your direction. I laughed out loud. Or LOL. I think LOL is going to be big. Write that down.

  6. saratogajean said,

    How about the guy that only remembers one thing from your shared history?

    Like the guy that reminds me of the time I threw up cafeteria chili in third grade.

    Really dude? A lot of shit has happened to me since then. Most of it not involving chili or me barfing. Not all, but most.

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