(Insert Eye Pun Here)

May 20, 2010 at 6:49 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

No one likes doctors. Seriously, who does? If you like a doctor I put you on the same level as Gary Busey and the people who look for aliens in the sky before they get abducted. Now that I think about it, that is probably the same person. What if Gary Busey IS the leader of alien life on another planet and we will all be taking orders from him in the year 2031? BRAINSPLOSION!

Point Break will never be the same.

Vaya Con Dios.

Doctors are bad news for everything. Nothing good ever comes out of it. The regular doctor, dentists, chiropractic doctor, and that weird one that women have that has like 52 straight letters in it, that they have to whisper around men like we’re 6 years old. “Helen, tonight I went to, (BOBBY COVER YOUR EARS), the OBGNHYSNODN, (BOBBY!, YOU CAN LISTEN NOW).” Guys, big secret here. Women go to doctors that look at their vaginas. Uh oh, secrets out. I’m waiting for a flood of hat email to be rained down upon me like I recommended James Frey to Oprah’s book club. Hell, hath no fury like a book club duped.

Saw it on TV.

Most people dislike doctors, but some have an irrational fear of all of them. Pointing in this direction. I don’t like to go to any of them. I’m trying to think of one doctor I like. Oh, got it. Dr. Evil. That guy was the tops. Eating hot pockets, sharks with lasers, trying to kill people. That’s my kind of doctor. He must have got his PHD from The School of Hard….Knocks? I messed that up. That’s not the cliche. I blame America.

America – Throwing out horrendous cliches since 1776.

The other day I had to pay a visit to the good ole’ eye doctor. I say good in the way that it means bad. But then I was told bad means good. What if I want bad to mean bad? I guess I’ll go with bad ole’ doctor. Who’s Bad? Michael Jackson reference. That probably meant Who’s Good.

Moving on.

Out of all the doctors in the world the eye doctor is probably the easiest. Couple of tests here, couple of tests there and voila you’re out of there with a new prescription for contact lenses that are not covered in your insurance and will cost you about the same as an Eastern bloc country that was once part of the Soviet Union. See? Because they have no money!

Economy humor. Catch it.

The problem with the eye doctor is this. That stupid eye chart. Is there anything that ruins self-esteem more than the eye chart at a doctor’s office? Think about it. You walk in. The doctor tells you take your glasses or contacts off and asks you to read the chart. “Tell me what you see.” Um, how about this. NOTHING. I see nothing because the reason I wear contacts is because I can’t see. “Funny story doc, you see I wear these lenses because it’s fun. I like shoving my finger in my eye every morning and sticking something on my eyeball. Oh, no it doesn’t improve my eyesight, I do it for the texture and the touch, the feel, of cotton.”

The fabric of our..

Nevermind.

The next step is the best. They put the little eye thing in front of you and go through the various glasses. “What do you see?”. This is my favorite part. As I was sitting in the chair I started yelling out random letters. A! E! C? Z? The infinity sign? Prince? JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS. I was getting so mad that I couldn’t make out the letters that I would have run out of the room screaming if it went on any longer. In fact, I did. But I couldn’t see so I ran into the wall. It hurt. The worst part is the doctor knows exactly what the letters are and we all know they’re just bursting at the seams at the annual opthamologist convention in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina.

“This guy was sitting in the chair and thought the A was an N! What a buffoon! Then I showed him another chart and it was all shapes. We got him good Martha. Eye Spy something…stupid!”

If we want to get information out of people we should put him in that chair. Jack Bauer would have all the info he needs by giving people eye exams. There’s no way they could take the pain of not knowing those letter for more than 5 minutes. They would break. World Peace would happen. A black man would become the President.

What?

Oh.

I can’t wait for Gary Busey to be President. He won’t put up with this.

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12 Comments

  1. saratogajean said,

    “Eye Spy something…stupid!” = my new favorite put down.

    • Rahul said,

      You will sound about 58 years old if you say it. Just a warning.

  2. nova said,

    Ha! Totally. My eye sight is so bad I have literally run into walls before.

    My favorite part is when they make you look into that weird binocular thingy with all the different lenses in it and ask “One? Or two?” “One … or … two”. Have you seen that family guy where they have Jafar from Aladdin getting glasses? Yeah. That.

    • Rahul said,

      Jafar! Why’s it got to be middle eastern?

  3. Martini said,

    Omg, this is spot on. The eye doctor is a bully who likes to make blind people feel like illiterate crackwhores. “Would ya look at that, you’re STILL blind! It’s good for me to remind you of that every year, huh? Here, let me put these drops in your eyes that’ll make it seem like the sun is trying to eat your retinas later. It’ll be fun!”

    • Rahul said,

      Are there literate crackwhores? Think about it. Think about it.

  4. Magpie said,

    Damn… I don’t want to be in the same club as Gary Busey buuuuuut….

    My boyfriend’s a doctor.

    Should I shoot myself now, or later?

    • Rahul said,

      The Gary Busey might be cool in a couple years. Send me the club card.

  5. Sid said,

    Bwahaha. Just found your blog through Ben. So glad I found you. You my favourite things since the Baskstreet Boys. What? Don’t look at me like that!

  6. LiLu said,

    Now I can’t stop thinking about my eyes “breathing.” It tickles.

    • Rahul said,

      What if your eyes needed oxygen tanks.

      I don’t why I said that.

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