That Creepy Guy At the Movies, By Himself, Staring At You is Me. Wait? What?

May 25, 2010 at 12:52 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

(I’m not going to do a Vegas Recap since everyone else is doing one. My thoughts are on the sidebar. I figure that way we don’t have to go all Bombs over Baghdad for anyone that didn’t go.)

I don’t understand movies. No, not in the existential sense of “What are movies?”, but more in the way of “why do we go to the movies with people?” Even though that first way would be fun to discuss, like I was Jack from Lost and you were Locke and we clashed heads and then ka-boom, no one had any idea what happened the last 6 years. If you didn’t watch Lost and don’t get that reference, don’t worry, you’re only one of 296 million Americans that DIDN’T watch the show even though every social media outlet was orgasming over whether the Smoke Monster was really the guy that shot JFK.

Two shooters.

Two shooters.

You see a couple of weeks ago while talking with Laurenne (who you should totally read because she has traveled the world and let’s be honest, we’ve been sitting on our couch watching Spencer buy $400,000 worth of crystals that tell him something. Not like I watch that show or anything because, hello, I’ve also traveled the world. Been to Tulsa once. Saw a Giant inflatable turkey. In May. Anyone else? Didn’t think so), she brought up the point about why do we go out to eat when we want to talk. Which started me on my rant of the movies. So while she sat there and politely didn’t call the police at my growing outrage of the movies, I threw out my theory.

Listen I like movies. I like watching them on the big screen. The surround sound, the crisp picture, the giant close-up of Jessica Tandy’s wrinkly face, the part in the previews where they run that “keep the noise down” PSA where I always look around for the screaming baby and guy talking on his cell phone because I think they are actually in the theater. It is all good in this hood.

Movie Magic. You have foiled me again.

What I don’t get is why do we plan outings with each other on going to the movies? “Hey, Tallulah, Want to go to the movies Saturday? How about Cool Runnings 2: Getting Colder? Nice”. I don’t mind going with people, but I don’t get it. In fact, I like hanging out. But the thing is that we can’t really do anything in the theater because then we’re that penis head that is ruining the movie for everyone else. We’re talking over the funny parts and crying when we found out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. Oh Spoiler. Retroactive to the previous sentence. So we do the next best thing, we don’t say anything at all. Maybe we’ll talk during the previews, but once the movie starts we’re sane human beings unless Denzel Washington comes on the screen because we just have to scream “DENZEL! YOU SO FINE!”

Never go to a Magic Johnson theater to see Man on Fire.

And this is what we plan dates around. The standard first date in America is dinner and a movie. No? I wouldn’t know since I’m usually so nervous before a date I’m convulsing on my bathroom floor and screaming to “make it stop”. Girls, This guy is single! When you’re at the movies, how are you finding out about anyone while seated next to them? “Oh, he totally moved his right arm off the arm rest when Sandra Bullock was on the screen, what a momma’s boy!” It’s impossible to get a read on someone at a dark theater when saying anything would be rude to the other paying patrons. The only reasonable reason to go with someone to the movies is a scary one so that when it gets to the scary part I YOU can grab their sleeve and weep into it slowly while you have one eye open.

Mainly Shrek 2.

And then we have the kicker. Let’s say you’re talking to someone and you say “yeah I saw that movie by myself”. You get ridiculed more than Andy Dick at a monogamous AA meeting. “You went to the movies by yourself?!!? LOSER.” Really? I’m the loser? No you’re the loser loser because I got to sit there in peace and not feel pressured to say something to the person next to me in the dark. I could enjoy it in peace and laugh at the moments I thought was funny, not the moments my date thought was funny because I want to play lip smack jenga with her later. What’s wrong with going to the movies by yourself? Absolutely nothing. Don’t let the haters get you down. We can do whatever we like. Patron on ice. Pop bottles all night.

So it’s been decided. I shall not be ridiculed for going to the movies alone.

Now excuse me, I have to buy my Cosmo for Sex and the City 2.

I’ll be in the back.

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18 Comments

  1. Ask Alice said,

    You’re only going to watch that movie to study those ladies dance moves. I mean, let’s be real here.

    Also, if the smoke monster shot JFK I will shoot you for ruining the ending. I haven’t seen the Finale yet because I was too busy curled in the fetal position in a hotel room that smelled like blow-jobs and glitter pom-poms.

    • Rahul said,

      Like I need to study. I got my own moves. Heatin’ up the dance floor like whoa. or like no.

  2. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    i totally just went on a movie and a dinner date recently, it was my call though. i’m so unoriginal.

    would it be cooler if i told you i gave him a HJ in the theater?

    • Rahul said,

      It would be cooler if you were Alanis.

      “would you go down on him in a theater”

      ARE YOU PERVERTED LIKE ME.

  3. Arielle said,

    Going to the movies by yourself rules. Not because it’s pointless to plan a friend outing (or date, but…I don’t go on those) to a place where you can’t talk, but because then you don’t have anyone up in your face going “WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?” when you really would rather not take the time to explain. No one asks you what just happened when you’re sitting next to a stranger. Win.

    • Rahul said,

      I like your style. I should forward your comment to my dad.

      “No dad,Bruce Willis DEAD”

  4. Ash said,

    See, the thing is, no one actually pays attention to the movie on the first date. (Or am I just speaking for myself?)
    A couple of months ago, my guy and I went to watch Green Zone (which was technically our first date). And because we were busy…um, well….getting to “know” each other…we hardly even realized there was a movie playing. (until something exploded on screen….which happened like every 5 mins, but that’s kinda beside the point.)

    • Rahul said,

      What?!?! This actually happens? Send pictures.

  5. Sid said,

    Sooooo … what you’re saying is, you’re single? Call me! Or stalk me on Facebook.

    • Rahul said,

      I’m perpetually single. Call me girlfriend. Snap!

  6. saratogajean said,

    Yeah, but if you go to the movies by yourself, you risk being murdered like that guy in Scream 2 (I think) – no one is there to say that it isn’t a stunt!

    • Rahul said,

      You make a valid point. Dammit. Now i’m afraid. LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

  7. Mary said,

    “lip smack jenga” – genius.

    And I’ve totally seen the inflatable turkey in Tulsa. I’m not proud.

    • Rahul said,

      Why a turkey? I don’t even get it. Don’t be a jive turkey.

  8. amindinmotown said,

    Uh, ya, only losers watch movies alone at the theater. It’s true.

  9. amindinmotown said,

    P.S. I appreciate you not posting about Vegas ’cause I’m marking all of those blogs as read, ha.

    • Rahul said,

      That’s what I’m saying. I’m a loser. Soy un perdedor.

  10. Melody said,

    I usually went to the movies by myself in my college years after a crappy shift at my restaurant. always cheered me up immensely, especially because the movies were only $3, and that is basically all I made in tips. WHAT? sundays were slow…

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