Technology Has Ruined My Mellow

June 2, 2010 at 10:51 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Everyone’s in a big rush. If you live in LA, you know that’s true. That reminds me of this great joke. “Why is that guy in such a hurry? He must be Lithuanian.” Wait, I mean Russian. Russian. That’s it. So just go back and say that joke and put Russian in there instead of Lithuanian. Oh, so hilarious those Russians. Always in a hurry with their vodka and bearskin hats and leggy blonde models that play tennis. You slay me.

There’s no more obvious place to see a person in a hurry than the Supermarket. Everyone is always in a “Russian” to get somewhere and get everything done. Especially if you’re a single man who only goes home to the whirring of the refrigerator and the dripping noise of the slow re-fill of the toilet tank that you flushed 30 minutes ago. Oh God. It hurts so much. Everyone wants to be in and out of the supermarket. It’s usually crowded, you always have to say “sorry” or “excuse me” to random strangers (yes, even you jerk face), and there are kids running around pushing around those mini shopping carts into your shins.

“Mommy, can I push the cart?”
“No, Abigail, you can push this mini one and one day you will be old enough to push a full size cart around a store while your husband is BANGING THE NANNY”


Of course, since Americans are so into getting in and out in a reasonable amount of time (that’s what she blah blah blah), the supermarkets have decided to implement the self checkout line at their stores. I’m guessing the reasoning being that, why wait in line for a trained professional to help you pay for your groceries when you can do it yourself and not find the code for the 40 limes you bought and then sit there and look dumbfounded while waiting for the cashier to help you out. Hey guess what, morons? You could have been doing that the whole time.

The funny thing about it is that people think that the self checkout will SAVE them time, when in reality it costs them more time because they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. It’s a regular catch 22 or whatever one of those phrases is where you think you think you’re doing one thing, but actually doing the opposite. I have a good phrase for this, I’ll call it “Dropping the Guacamole”.

“Hey, remember when Steve picked up the cheap tequila to save a couple bucks and it made everyone sick and killed Gertrude?”
“Oh, yeah. Steve totally dropped the guacamole on that one.”

Urban Dictionary – Call me.

I’m not the first person to say how infuriating the self checkout line is for a person of my caliber. I know what a bar code is. I know how to scan it. I know that the bags are being weighted so when you send it through you must put it in the bag so you can continue. I know how to buy 7 rolls, put that I’m only buying 1 and get away with it. I even know how to look up a produce code. THE HORROR. Let me tell you something, if you can’t do any of those things then stop using the self checkout line. You’re ruining it for the competent people of the world. I’m willing to bet that if you don’t know how to use self checkout you probably don’t have an iPod. Nay, you probably don’t own shoes. That’s right. You barefooted mother (radio edits) are ruining my day at the Supermarket.

Put some shoes on hippie.

So if you’re in a hurry at the store and hate technology, go to the nice lady that’s running the express line. Hand her your 12 pack of coke zero and rolaids. Smile. Hell, while you’re at, buy a pack of gum too. Splurge! Not only will you not have to worry about anything, you won’t be infuriating roughly 31 people staring at you with the eyes of Zeus peering over the new issue of US Weekly. We will all be better off.

Don’t drop that guacamole.

Don’t do it.



  1. MandyImnotfamousMoore said,

    Hahahahaha dropping the guacamole. I’m totally going to use that one. And I am proud to say I’ve gotten into a full-fledged arguement with a self-checkout machine. Because I’m more competent than it. She’s all, “put your item in the bag.” I DID, BITCH!” And then she goes, “Please remove item from the bag and rescan.” “UH WTF? YOU AREN’T CHARGING ME TWICE, NICE TRY.” “Please wait for cashier.” “Fine. I’ll tell them how you tried to fuck me.”

    Lets just say Mandy and self-checkouts end in many horrific stares, laughs, and small children cowering behind Mommy and Daddy. I think I’m the reason our Walmart took them out. I schooled that biatch.

    • Jenny said,

      I completely understand you! 🙂

    • Rahul said,

      Yelling at that voice is theraputic. I just run though. Grab and run.

  2. LiLu said,

    I actually like dropping the guacamole. Makes more room for the salsa.


  3. saratogajean said,

    I’ve seen someone try to pay with a check at the u-scan.

    Get with it, Grandma! The only checks you should be writing are to me, for my birthday. Yes, that $25 comes in handy every year as I stretch it into two bottles of cheap tequila, hoping that Gertrude doesn’t die.

    Sorry about that, Gertie. TOTALLY dropped the guacamole on that one.

    • Rahul said,

      Who still writes checks? Someone get Grandma a calendar and some mylanta.

  4. the Constantly Dramatic One said,

    Technically the self check-out thing, they’re a big money saver….

    If you know how to work it. Which I’m sure you totally do. Ahem.

    • Rahul said,

      Yeah, money saver. Wink wink.

      There was something in my eye

  5. Ask Alice said,

    I am now on my way to the grocery store to get avocados because I want guacamole. Since I’m awesome at self-checking-out I will use that to pay. Whoops, half my bag is off the weigh-scale? Gosh so sorry about that…
    I’m also going to add “Competent at using self-checkouts” to my resume because that’s a skill most people seem to lack.

    • Rahul said,

      I challenge you to a bag off! DO YOU ACCEPT?

  6. verybadcat said,

    I mean, don’t they even think about what the hell they’re going to do when it’s time to ring up the broccoli? I am an advanced self checkout user, but I won’t even help them. I just stand behind them, tapping my foot and looking at my nonexistent watch while they stare terrified at their produce.


    • Rahul said,

      You should just throw a bag at them.Then when they turn around pick up their stuff and run. Run like the wind.

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