Are You Speaking My Language?

June 8, 2010 at 11:34 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

There’s always a downside to hanging out with a group of women. When you’re a man. And not dating any of them. I mean life isn’t all Sex and the City and Leon Phelps all the time. I can’t just go up to women and say things like “Yeth, this is the ladies man,” and “How Big IS you?” all over the place. We all need to have some tact and some suaveness about us. Well, we don’t NEED to have any of those things (paging Jesse James), but it’s probably nice to have some of them when talking to a group of women. You don’t want to come off as a pig when discussing some things at a nice dinner and you hear…

ZOMG, Jake Gyllenhaal is so hot!

Oh no.

Let’s not kid ourselves. As men we like to hang with women. If we’re throwing a party we make sure to invite a group of women so the party doesn’t seem like a dance off at John Waters house. We want there to be a good mix. Why? Because Anything Is Possible. Guys, you know exactly what I’m saying. You get a little tipsy, the girl gets a little tipsy and before you know it you’re back at her place playing Rock Band and yelling at each other because, hello, how hard is it to keep up on Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So”?!?! HIT THE RED ONE AND THE GREEN ONE AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WHORE!

Chivalry lives.

When you hang out with women you start picking up on the subtle things that they do. The same way that women pickup on men scratching themselves, screaming at the television watching sports, and drinking chlorox when you run out of alcohol to get a buzz. It was only that one time. Yesterday. Women say things that men would never say. They say things like “heart” and “yummy”. What man would ever say this? It’s like a whole different language that was created for only themselves. If James Cameron wanted to create a true new language he would have tailed a group of 6 women while they talked to each other. Who needs Na’Vi when you have Vag’i. (See what I did there? No. Ok then).

So to make it easier on everyone else, I have made a list of 20 sayings that women say, that men would never ever say. Well, I guess straight men would never say. I haven’t fleshed this out yet. (That’s what she…Why would she say that?) Because without thinking about it there are phrases inherent to only women and not men. I’m not saying men don’t say ridiculous stuff, we do, but it’s time we pointed out that all humans do it. WE DOTH BUT MEN. Of course, not all women will say all of these phrases, but a lot of them do. Or at least the 3 that actually talk to me. Hi, Mom! So without further ado here are my observations.

(Aside: When people say” without further ado” they always say something else after that. If you say “without further ado” shouldn’t you just do whatever it is you’re going to do? That’s the whole point of the phrase. You’re not supposed to be adding stuff after you say it. Then you should be saying “with much ado”. What does ado even mean? Who cares? “Hey, I got a lot of ado to take care off, so it’s going to be a while. Yeah, A LOT OF ADO. A LOT.” )

Phrases Men would never say

1. I heart her shoes
2. Yummers! or Yummy!
3. I want a kitty!
4. That dress looks super fab on you.
5. Hey, girl!
6. AHHHHHHHHH, loud shriek (normally seeing someone after not seeing them for awhile, or being drunk).
7. One day sale at Nordstrom. One day sale at Nordstrom!
8. Oh Em Gee
9. Kill that spider, kill it!
10. Yucky!
11. Did you see Real Housewives of New Jersey last night?
12. DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE’S WEARING?!?!
13. BFF
14. Besties
15. Forevs.
16. Don’t be rude.
17. Awwwwww,she’s so cuuuuuuuuutttttte.
18. Finally, A madonna song!
19. Mmmm, Hmm! (usually after seeing a good looking guy)
20. Ugh, so gross

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23 Comments

  1. Dave Nadkarni said,

    #gospel Although #13 and #14 have now creeped into my category because I hang out with too many chicks. Mandate needed to remedy this.

    • Rahul said,

      If you say BFF, there may need to be an intervention.

  2. Arielle said,

    I freaking love this post. Also, I would make a list of things that men say but I’m lazy. And why has no guy ever brought me home to play Rock Band? I LOVE ROCK BAND. One time I got 100% doing vocals on a non-Say It Ain’t So Weezer song. True story. And finally, I would never say 2, 3, or 11.

    • Rahul said,

      We could do a Men one, it starts and end with “I would give it to her”

  3. nova said,

    My man boss always tells me the spider thing. And I’m all like “OMG SHOES AND SHOPPING” and he’s like “MOTORCYCLES” and I’m like “LOL MADONNA N JUNK”. Usually.

    • Rahul said,

      I knew it. I should have added “And Junk” in there. Women be shopping

  4. katelin said,

    what? you don’t hang out with your besties checking our shoes and talking about the real housewives all day long? i don’t believe it!

  5. Doniree said,

    Guilty. As. Charged. Well, with maybe halfsies? 🙂

    • Rahul said,

      I say halfsies. Halfsies can go towards a lot of stuff. I will not back down!

  6. lbluca77 said,

    I would never say Oh Em Gee. Never. I mean really is it so hard to say Oh my god. But I would probably say I love your shoes, for realsies.

  7. saratogajean said,

    #21 Vom (or vomming)

    As in, “I had 1 too many cosmos before watching SATC2 and ended up vomming in the theater bathroom.”

    This did not happen to me. They were Sailor Jerry’s and ginger ale, and it was The Simpsons Movie.

    • Rahul said,

      Vom is a good one. Men would say “Dude, just puked on your cat”

  8. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    hahahahaha. love it.

    you forgot ….

    yeah, i don’t know what you forgot.

    • Rahul said,

      I know what I forgot, when you’re with a woman and you say something inappropriate she always hits you and says your name out loud. “BUSTER!”

  9. Ask Alice said,

    Ahhhhhhh! Oh em gee I want a kitty! It will kill spiders – yucky!!
    What were we talking about again?

    • Rahul said,

      I’ll remember this. Because you will say it. Out loud.

  10. Linz said,

    I almost spit out my water. Too true. I heart this post.

  11. LiLu said,

    I dunno. I do p90x and Tony Horton totally says “tippy toes” in one of the videos.

    EXPLAIN THAT, MOFO.

    With ado.

    • Rahul said,

      Tony Horton is just trying to connect with women. It’s working. He’s fooled all of you!

  12. Pauline said,

    “Oh Em Gee”

    Argh! I hate this new catch phrase! It needs to go away now! As for the spider thing, I knew a guy who squealed like a howler monkey when he saw one. Yes, not very manly. Us women need a fearless man to grab the buggers with kleenex and deposit them outside.

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