Are You Speaking My Language?

June 8, 2010 at 11:34 am (Uncategorized) (ladies man, language barriers, women)

There’s always a downside to hanging out with a group of women. When you’re a man. And not dating any of them. I mean life isn’t all Sex and the City and Leon Phelps all the time. I can’t just go up to women and say things like “Yeth, this is the ladies man,” and “How Big IS you?” all over the place. We all need to have some tact and some suaveness about us. Well, we don’t NEED to have any of those things (paging Jesse James), but it’s probably nice to have some of them when talking to a group of women. You don’t want to come off as a pig when discussing some things at a nice dinner and you hear…

ZOMG, Jake Gyllenhaal is so hot!

Oh no.

Let’s not kid ourselves. As men we like to hang with women. If we’re throwing a party we make sure to invite a group of women so the party doesn’t seem like a dance off at John Waters house. We want there to be a good mix. Why? Because Anything Is Possible. Guys, you know exactly what I’m saying. You get a little tipsy, the girl gets a little tipsy and before you know it you’re back at her place playing Rock Band and yelling at each other because, hello, how hard is it to keep up on Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So”?!?! HIT THE RED ONE AND THE GREEN ONE AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WHORE!

Chivalry lives.

When you hang out with women you start picking up on the subtle things that they do. The same way that women pickup on men scratching themselves, screaming at the television watching sports, and drinking chlorox when you run out of alcohol to get a buzz. It was only that one time. Yesterday. Women say things that men would never say. They say things like “heart” and “yummy”. What man would ever say this? It’s like a whole different language that was created for only themselves. If James Cameron wanted to create a true new language he would have tailed a group of 6 women while they talked to each other. Who needs Na’Vi when you have Vag’i. (See what I did there? No. Ok then).

So to make it easier on everyone else, I have made a list of 20 sayings that women say, that men would never ever say. Well, I guess straight men would never say. I haven’t fleshed this out yet. (That’s what she…Why would she say that?) Because without thinking about it there are phrases inherent to only women and not men. I’m not saying men don’t say ridiculous stuff, we do, but it’s time we pointed out that all humans do it. WE DOTH BUT MEN. Of course, not all women will say all of these phrases, but a lot of them do. Or at least the 3 that actually talk to me. Hi, Mom! So without further ado here are my observations.

(Aside: When people say” without further ado” they always say something else after that. If you say “without further ado” shouldn’t you just do whatever it is you’re going to do? That’s the whole point of the phrase. You’re not supposed to be adding stuff after you say it. Then you should be saying “with much ado”. What does ado even mean? Who cares? “Hey, I got a lot of ado to take care off, so it’s going to be a while. Yeah, A LOT OF ADO. A LOT.” )

Phrases Men would never say

1. I heart her shoes
2. Yummers! or Yummy!
3. I want a kitty!
4. That dress looks super fab on you.
5. Hey, girl!
6. AHHHHHHHHH, loud shriek (normally seeing someone after not seeing them for awhile, or being drunk).
7. One day sale at Nordstrom. One day sale at Nordstrom!
8. Oh Em Gee
9. Kill that spider, kill it!
10. Yucky!
11. Did you see Real Housewives of New Jersey last night?
12. DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE’S WEARING?!?!
13. BFF
14. Besties
15. Forevs.
16. Don’t be rude.
17. Awwwwww,she’s so cuuuuuuuuutttttte.
18. Finally, A madonna song!
19. Mmmm, Hmm! (usually after seeing a good looking guy)
20. Ugh, so gross