The Lines Are Blurred, Old People Are Winning

June 10, 2010 at 11:44 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I’m going to tell anyone anything new, but social media has changed the world. What?!? This just in…water is wet. I write the greatest blog in the universe! Good night everyone. Tip your waiters. I like using the Twitter, having a blog, skyping, chatrouletting, eating croissants. Sure, why not? It’s always a good time. Of course, the part that I hate about all of this is the shorthand speak that we have gotten used to. To is “2”, Your is “ur”, You turns into “U”, I ate a turtle turns into “lets not be friends anymore”. I get it. Even though it’s a delicacy in some places. I’m not here to change people’s minds. I’m not going to go into a rage if people text or type this way, but it is a little mind numbing. Did we not learn anything in Honors English? I did. Tybalt, pick on someone your own size. Seriously.

Romeo Must Die.

Haters.

I try not to follow any celebrities on the Twit machine because really I don’t give two hoots (why not 3 hoots? Hoot it up my friends, Hoot it up!) about what Kim Kardashian threw up, who Kanye West is calling out or whether or not Carrot Top actually said something that was humorous. Then to top it off they use the shorthand phrases because in 140 character you have to seem like the biggest ass hat in the land. Well, you all lose. Diddy wins. He always does. Diddy Did. I try to pay no mind to these people and their “information”. But today I’m sitting in the office and MSNBC is on the TV. I’m minding my own business making a paper clip Roman Coliseum like I do everyday and I hear this, “John McCain speaks to Snooki *”. I know what you’re thinking. Who is John McCain to be talking to famous people like Snooki? Go drink some warm milk old man! I was intrigued and looked up and this is what I see…

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!

LAWLESS SOCIETY. CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER. MASS HYSTERIA.

I’ll be honest, I don’t want to live in a world where John McCain has direct access to a reality TV star, who’s biggest goal in life is to “move to Jersey, find a nice juiced hot tanned guy and live my life.” Is this what we really want to happen? Here’s what I want out of this planet. I want John McCain to be sitting at home eating cucumber sandwiches, reading a Wall Street Journal from 1978 and yelling at his wife because his 6pm prune juice is too sweet. I DO NOT WANT HIM TALKING TO SNOOKI.

I don’t know if John Mac actually wrote that because it’s very iffy that he even knows how to use a computer at his advanced age, but let’s assume he knows how to work a word processing machine. What was going through his head? “I got it darling! I know how to get youngish voters back on my side. I shall tell this Snickers character that I would never tax tanning bed and I’ll throw in some hip lingo about her shore. This reminds me of the time I was on the Jersey Shore in 1959. The twist was all the rage. I met a beautiful baby and we played backseat bingo while Cousin Brucie gassed up that Hot Rod. We jived all night. It was Anstville baby! ANTSVILLE!”

One dollar for a John McCain dancing picture.

This has opened up a Pandora’s box of old people trying to be hip. What’s next? Angela Lansbury telling Katy Perry she wants to melt her popsicle? Nelson Mandela tweeting Mark Wahlberg about some Good Vibrations? Abe Vigoda tweeting that he’s actually alive? Look at what you’ve done McCain! The worst part about this is that he’s actually given legitimacy to someone nicknamed “Snooki”. I haven’t been this outraged since the time Paul McCartney went skinny dipping in Lake Erie in 1981. Put some pants on Paul. For God’s sake.

What a hoot.

* if you don’t know who Snooki is, you should probably go outside. Or you’ve been outside this whole time and your brain has not been corrupted by people dropping f bombs and spraying themselves with cancer. Kudos. You are a better person. I would bow down to you, but I wouldn’t get up. Back issues.

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17 Comments

  1. Matt said,

    He’s gettin his twitter mack on!!!

    also- Is your computer background purple?

    • Rahul said,

      I pulled that screenshot from another site. What if it was purple? Purple is a man’s color!

  2. shine said,

    I read about this shit yesterday and my head exploded all over a coffee shop.

    Thanks for not ruining Fresh Meat for me, dude. You are truly Mr. Beautiful.

  3. lbluca77 said,

    McCain wanted Palin to be his VP so obviously he’s not smart enough to know how to use twitter.

    • Rahul said,

      Mccain was napping that day. When he got up he was watching Dennis the Menace and palin looks like Mrs. Wilson so I understand the choice.

  4. saratogajean said,

    No way this happened.

    No f’ing way.

  5. LiLu said,

    Okay, fine. But you totally have to exempt Mickey Rourke from this.

    Best. Twitter. EVER.

  6. verybadcat said,

    christ on a cracker, that was hilarious.

    • Rahul said,

      I wouldn’t eat christ. He’s not tasty and is all burned and stuff.

  7. Ask Alice said,

    If that is actually a real Tweet, I’m appalled a little bit. WHAT?! Doesn’t McCain have better things to be doing then tweeting some idiot Jersey Shore jerk?

    • Rahul said,

      That’s the point. He doesn’t. Wait, I’m from Jersey. Are you calling me a jerk? Well you’re right.

  8. snooki said,

    What’s wrong with me wanting to move to Jersey, find a nice juiced hot tanned guy and live my life? Huh? Why are you judging so much? Whatever.
    You’re just jealous because you have an Indian tan and not an orange one like mine, which is totally fading because of Obama’s new tax on tanning. He’s just jealous too. His tan is, like, totally ugly.
    FBI forever, bitches. (That’s Full Blooded Italian. Duh.)

  9. Court said,

    Fact: you’re the best thing that’s happened to the world since Latenight (with Team Conan just to clear things up), remind me again how it is you don’t have your own show yet? I mean, I’m tired of switchin on the remote to a new-age cult of Oompa Loompas (T-minus you Snooks, I’ve on-demanded the Behind the Scenes and you’re really not as _________ as the cameras pose you to be. Let’s be beach buddies? Call me.), or bad humor (No, Michael Scott, that one was to Leno). PBS could really use some quality entertainment, none of this Sesame Str33tZ shit (youz a rookie, don’t be ashamed, you’ve gotta somewhere and work up…), it may or may not be necessary to “The following content is R-rated, please flash your age 17+ ID before you sit your ass down on that couch” your audience as a forewarning, but it’ll all be worth it. Promise.

    I disgress. Are you single? Wait, I take that back, *bats eyelashes and pulls down already-lowcut V-neck a bit* what exactly does your type look for ina girl? Woman. Princess? Size 000 VS model? (I’m blonde, speak up now if my chances stop here.) I disgree, round two. You are fabulous, and I’ve always loved me a man who knows how to keep me on my toes. Hey, brilliant idea, you me Starbucks five minutes, BFFs! No, marry me. Soulmates? CALL ME?

    Keep it up, champ, you my sugga daddy, have got your shit together.
    ❤ Cliche teenage-girl'ed obsessive I-read-your-blog-like-I-do-Cosmo

    *cue high-pitched squeals from crowd*

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