Its Time To Play a Game

June 23, 2010 at 11:32 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

We all have friends that we’re kind of on the fence with. No, not in that way pervert, but in the way that we don’t really know if we like them or not or they like us, but they’ve been a friend for so long that you just go along with it. Why upset the apple cart? Even though, if you didn’t like apples and were allergic you would definitely upset the apple cart, because you left your epee pen at home. Let’s not turn this into a My Girl situation. Seriously, dying from bee stings? I can’t think of anything sadder, except ordering a pizza and having 3 people to share it with. Who gets only two slices of pizza? I mean, someone will be the good guy and just take two slices and say they don’t care, but they are going to resent you for the rest of your life.

“Excuse me; I would like to make a toast. Bobby, I’m so happy that you found the love of your life. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted in someone. She’ll be there for you in sickness, health and will watch you eat 3 slices of pizza, when I only got two. How could you do that, man? That was my favorite place too, Angelo Paisan’s That’s Amore Pizza in Your Eye. They had thin crust. THEY HAD THIN CRUST.”

That’s why whenever you get a pizza they should ask you how many people you have. 3 people? We’ll cut it into 9 slices. 5 people? Just buy another pizza cheapos. Splitting a pizza between 5 people? What’s your financial situation like? Enron? Early 2000s corporate finance jokes in the house! Next up, let’s talk about the Dot Com explosion in the late 90s. People were making their moves. Everyone was getting rich, the times they…

Sorry, fell asleep.

Back to my original point. How do you know if you really like hanging out with your friends or they’re just there? It can be hard to tell sometimes because life pulls you in different directions. Your friends may get married, buy houses, and have children while you, on the other hand, are doing keg stands at UCLA frat parties at the age of 35 with a backwards Yankee hat on, still calling people “Bro” while reminiscing about that time in aught 6 when Jay Z kept it real, but no one will care about this story. Why? Because your fly was down.

Button Your Fly.

Oh no, I am that guy.

Moving on.

There’s a fool proof way to find out who likes who when your friends are together. Sure, some of you may be saying that you should just ask them. Well, that’s ridiculous. We live in America. We are the most passive aggressive people in the world. When we hear someone is talking about us, how do we handle this? With the worst disguised Tweet or Facebook status update the world has ever seen.

“If u got somethun 2 say, say it! Some Peeps B Hatin Yo, I just keep Doin my thang, get back, U don’t kno me like that!”

America’s School System. Ruining Grammar since 1776.

Since we can’t say anything to anyone there’s only one way to find out who does and does not like you. That’s right. Board games. Or even Card games. Or any game. Any game where you can take your frustration out on someone else. The best example of this is the card game UNO, the game that was built to ruin relationships. It says it on the box. If you’re not familiar with this game, I don’t want to know you. But short explanation is that you get cards that can screw other people. You can “Skip” them, you can “Reverse” which means the circle goes in reverse, you can make them “Draw 2”, “Draw 4”, or even the dreaded “Shoot Yourself” card.

That one is very controversial.

When people play these types of games they inevitably take it easy on the people they like. For instance, If I was playing this game and had a crush on someone I wouldn’t go crazy on them because then I would be mean and had no chance at the poonannienahhigh. You can automatically tell who does and does not like each other by playing. “Hey Jimmy, Draw 4 buddy!, then Skip you, reverse you, then Draw 2, Draw 4, Draw 8, Draw your whole life cause you suck! I never liked you anyways!” True feelings have come out while declaring that new color is yellow. “Yeah new color is yellow, like you Agnes. When you were too chicken to go out with me! EAT A BIG ONE!”

Agnes is skinny.

So when you’re sitting around playing “Sorry!” one day and someone lands on your piece and instead of putting it back at the start they knock it into the front yard, know that they may not like you. Or if Monopoly they charge you “friend tax” on Connecticut Ave. Or if they point the gun at you in “Duck Hunt.” In fact, we should probably handle world affairs this way. We’ll know who are allies are and are not.

Draw 4 Kim Jong!

Or don’t. I’m too young to die.

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19 Comments

  1. Josh Baker said,

    Great post! I laughed for a full minute over the pizza line. And you’re so right about the status updates.

    • Rahul said,

      I say we spend July 18th all updating our status’ with this.

      ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

  2. Mindy said,

    I always get screwed in board games. This means no one likes me, doesn’t it? God damn it. Way to ruin my Tuesday. …It’s Wednesday, isn’t it? Whatever. You suck.

    • Rahul said,

      Yes it does. Maybe I’m not that one who sucks.

  3. laurenne said,

    Let’s please just cut to the chase on this one. No need to play UNO. I don’t like you. Never will.

    I kid. I kid. I love you. I would INSIST you take three pieces and I take two. That’s how much I love you. I would only talk shit about you to a select few after that.

    So happy we’re friends.

    • Rahul said,

      You would never say that to my face. Except the one time you did. If we split a pizza I would take 7 pieces and leave you with 1.

  4. Ask Alice said,

    I’m sorry, I need 3 pieces when I’m drunk (that’s what she…?)

  5. saratogajean said,

    When I see the word “thang,” my brain converts it to “wang.”

    Which can make things awkward.

    Why are you telling me that you are doing your wang?

    • Rahul said,

      So you do you like the band “Thang chung”

      REVERSE DAY.

  6. nova said,

    I’m ruthless with the pick up four cards. Not a ruth to be found.

    • Rahul said,

      Ruthing is overrated anyways. Unless its Dr. Ruth. She don’t play. Maybe she does. I don’t know where I was going with this.

  7. LiLu said,

    I can’t think of anything sadder, except ordering a pizza and having 3 people to share it with. Who gets only two slices of pizza? I mean, someone will be the good guy and just take two slices and say they don’t care, but they are going to resent you for the rest of your life.

    I know I have a boyfriend and everything, but that totally makes me want to make out with you.

  8. nicopolitan said,

    “We live in America. We are the most passive aggressive people in the world.”

    It’s weird that you’re inadvertently profound. I’m not saying you can’t be deep, but dude you just pulled that out of your ass? Some of us have to work for these kinds of observations and here and you’re just shitting on all that work by being able to get this just off the cuff.

    Not that I resent you for being able to do this. Nope. Not at all. Jerk.

    • Rahul said,

      Usually when I write posts I’m concussed. I’m pretty sure that’s how Aristotle got through his day.

  9. alexa - cleveland's a plum said,

    lilu called out the part that i was going to call out!!!

    #nofair

    • Rahul said,

      You should probably not wait a week to comment on something

      #sickburn

  10. shine said,

    Okay, so YES, I’ve waited a week to comment. But I’m still going to say this: Pictionary was created to ruin relationships. Every single time I’ve ever played Pictionary, someone broke up, someone ended up bloody, or someone threw the board at the wall.

    It’s a violent game.

    Also, I’m the perfect person to share pizza with because I can never eat more than two pieces.

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