Doctors, Can’t Live Without Them and Can’t…Well, That’s About It

June 29, 2010 at 11:25 am (Uncategorized) (, )

Here it is on Tuesday and I was bout to crank out a hacky blogger World Cup post, but then thought better of it this morning. Why? Mainly because I cannot wait until July 12th and not have see one more comment about some random dude on Brazil, Germany or American Samoa’s abs that people didn’t know existed until 13 days ago. That’s right American Samoa. Ladies, have you seen the abs on Tak Tak El Tongerian? Well, let’s just say take a 6 pack and multiple it by 52 and that’s what that man is carrying. It’s like a pony keg in his stomach. Work it.

I want a pony.

Since the once in every 4 year run of Americans caring about soccer is over soon, there’s no point going on a rant about how people who were born in America are calling countries “Mehico” and “Brasil”. Honestly, if you are one of the people doing this, GTFO. You live in the US. You were born in Camden, New Jersey and the closest you have to been to any Hispanic/Latin Culture is the time you went to Taco Bell and got the fire sauce instead of mild because you were in a “spicy mood”. You are not Ricky Ricardo. Also, I’m not sure what GTFO means but I assume it to mean something pretty bad because when people say it they don’t seem to be in a happy mood. This coming from the guy that once thought CIA meant Centers for Interrogating Asians. Racial profiling! Shut down the CIA at this moment and unhand them! I imagine GTFO to be a summit of the minds between Fidel Castro and that really bad guy from one of those South American countries. The GTFO summit for blowing stuff up and doing terrible things that get America mad. Let’s make this happen. I would totally watch it on TV.

If Jersey Shore wasn’t on.

On Saturday, while watching the US play (redacted) I noticed an interesting phenomenon. My friend is a doctor and she has all of her doctor friends come over to hang out. Let me just tell you something. The worst thing to ever do is hang out with a bunch of doctors. Oh, some of you may say it’s great because you ask them all your maladies and they can give you proper answers unlike WebMD or some reasonable facsimile of a website that claims to figure out illnesses based on symptoms you put in. Speaking of WebMD, how is it that whenever I use one of their handy dandy flow charts it always ends with illness “gonorrhea”. How is this possible? Have a headache? Gonorrhea. Finger cut? Gonorrhea. Stuff in your bad places? Gonorrhea. Does it never end?

More like Never Gone orrhea!


I have two doctors in my family, my cousin and my uncle. My dad makes it known that whenever we hang out with them he needs his battery of tests done at the end of the day. How about this, dad? Go to a doctor. No one needs to see you with a shirt off having tests done while I’m eating cheesecake and drinking an orange soda. You’re harshing my mellow. The thing with doctors is that I want them to be the most perfect people on Earth. I don’t want to see my doctors drinking, eating junk food, or picking their nose. I feel like this somehow diminishes them in to fixing my body. How am I supposed to live forever when I see doctors throwing back Bud Lights and eating cheetos? Doogie Howser would never do this. (Aside: Let’s say you were having a serious surgery and this kid came into your room to tell you that he was going to be performing it. How long before you told him to get lost? 8 seconds? 4 seconds? I wouldn’t want any kid telling me they’re removing anything from my body. Have you seen kids try to do anything? When they try to grab a cupcake out of the box they touch all of them. Some of them eat dirt. THIS KID’S NAME IS DOOGIE. How many times did Doogie go to suture a spleen and instead sewed a liver? Millions! Those are all in the hidden DVD scenes.)

I kind of want to go to parties with doctors at them and take pictures of them to use for later. “So, stay off the sugar, and the fries. It could be giving you…” “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, TRAITOR!” and then wave the pictures around. This should go over well with the medical community and get me dismembered if anything happens to me. One other thing, it’s also a rousing success to hear them talk about what is going on in the operating room when people are being sewn up. One of the doctors said another one was going through her phone while someone was being sewn up after surgery. Oh, that’s just fantastic.

“LOLZ, just removed a tumor from abdomen! Sending u pic of me. U so horny?”

If there are going to be doctors at a party you’re going to, just don’t go. You’re going to hear things you don’t want to hear and reassess everything about going to hospitals. But don’t worry. It’s just gonorrhea.



  1. Arielle said,

    All the best concerts in high school were in Camden and I was never allowed to go because it was too dangerous! Sad times.

  2. laurenne said,

    I always thought the CIA stood for Christians in Action, which made me even more scared of them.

    And by the way… You have gonorrhea? Great. Didn’t we sleep together once? I think so. Can’t remember. Thanks for that. Or wait, maybe I gave it to you. Shit. Sorry.

    Man, now my mellow is really harshed. GTFO.

    • Rahul said,

      You never remember our one night stands. I prefer one minute stands.

  3. LiLu said,

    You know, I bet you could blow that “Shit My Dad Says” kid outta the water.

    You should probably move back in with your parents.

  4. Marie said,

    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a second, so what does “CIA” stand for then??? You can’t leave us hanging like that.

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