Being Uncool is Ok, As Long As You Watch TV

July 2, 2010 at 10:27 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I’m usually one of the last people to get in on the cool stuff that goes around. I only got an iPod last year, I was using a desktop computer for 10 years and I still store my valuables in a rubber band underneath my pillow. I mean, I DON’T have any money under my pillow. That’s a terrible place to look. What’s that over there?

When the whole social media scene broke out I just bought a bottle of ProActiv and held it close to my chest. Speaking of, have you seen the list of celebrities that endorse ProActiv? Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Katy Perry, Alicia Keys, Mandy Moore and Jennifer Aniston have all used it, so they say. If I was a woman, I would go to the nearest store and buy every bottle of it. If I was a man, (Wait, I am a man. Poor sentence structure. AP English has failed me yet again) I would demand my female partner (or male, I voted No on Prop 8, leave me alone. What’s voting?) use it every morning. It’s pretty obvious that ProActiv is not an acne treatment, but more of a “hotness cream”. As soon as you slabber some of it on, you become so attractive that they have to de-beautify you with movie prop blood and scars to show a “before” picture. Suck it, Ponce de Leon we have found the fountain of youth and it’s available only for the low low price of $19.95! I do feel bad for ol’ Ponce though. He was looking for a fountain and it was developed in some lab in Po-Dunk, North Dakota and all he got was a key chain that said “F.O.Y. B.Y.O.B”.

Alcohol ain’t free.

So since I’m last to get in on the social media boom, I only recently found out the craze behind Four Square, or 4sq, or the application that provides annoying updates by people in your Facebook news feed. Everyone usually goes all holy hell on people that link their Twitter/4sq with their Facebook, but I have a different take on it. That’s right. I commend those people that do that. You know why? Because they know they are pissing everyone off yet they trudge forward. Do you know the amount of self worth you have to have to do something like that? “I know people hate this, but I don’t care because I am a golden god and I am important, dammit. LISTEN TO ME.” I am impressed by anyone that takes that stand. I only have one thing to say to these people.

You do you, baby boo.

Haters gonna hate.

(Insert Destiny’s Child/TLC lyric)

If you don’t know what Foursquare is then I’m pretty amazed you’re on the blog right now. That’s almost the equivalent of reading a book and not knowing what the “About the Author” section is all about. Actually, it’s exactly the same. Look up Foursquare; I’m not going to describe it because mainly I don’t feel like pushing this post into the abyss of definitions. Want a definition, look at Urban Dictionary. I would recommend the regular dictionary, but the phrase “cray cray” hasn’t made it onto Webster’s radar yet so I can’t recognize it as official. Anyways, I’m not part of the Foursquare phenomenon. Oh, the reason isn’t that I think it’s annoying. Or that I don’t have an inflated sense of self worth that I need people to know where I am because if I’m there you should be there. Not for those reasons. The reason I’m not yet on Four Square is a simple one.

I’m lame.

That’s right, so everyone knows where you go and you “check in”. Let’s say one night, it’s a Friday and you just want to listen to Sigur Ros, do some laundry and watch Beaches while reminiscing about the day that Laura Jessup stood you up in the rain and devastated your whole life since you loved her and she was the one and it led to a depressing 3 weeks of eating hostess cupcakes and drinking Colt 45 from the Bodega so much that Juan always asked you “Que, pasa amigo? Sus Lagrimas son arruinando el queso.” Now since you didn’t “check in” anywhere on Foursquare, people know you spent a Friday night home alone. Your coolness factor has been reduced by 91 percent. Which is tough when it’s at only 6 percent usually. Now you’re only at .07 percent coolness! Thanks Foursquare for decimating any chance I had at portraying I was hip enough to hang with my friends and make up lies that I spent this Friday with Zoe Deschanel at The Roosevelt. “Bro, you didn’t do that, I didn’t see you ‘check in’”

Check this in be-yotch!

Now I just lost my last .07 percent of a friend. Thanks Foursquare for turning me into a hobo. Remember, when you’re on Foursquare it’s not that everyone knows where you are and what you’re doing. They also know what you’re not doing. The truth is out there, except now it’s on an application that fits into your cell phone that reminds your friends constantly of the horrendous person you are.

Only one thing can save us from the machines.

ProActiv.

Let’s be hot together.

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14 Comments

  1. ben said,

    If proactiv makes me any more like any one of the Destiny’s Child members, I will use it ALL OVER.

    • Rahul said,

      What if it turned you into that other one. No not, Beyonce, Or Kelly, yeah yeah..that one.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    If proactive makes you hot then I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is using it wrong.

    • Rahul said,

      She was hot in Party of 5. Wait, can I say that? Oh we were both 16, it’s cool, no statutory rape to be seen here.

  3. shine said,

    Avril Lasagna is the latest Pro-Activ celebrity. I’m still disappointed that she didn’t turn out to be the Empress from Never Ending Story.

    I’ll try to start looking at 4sq as “brave” instead of “thinking everyone is interested in the fact that you’re at the grocery store, thereby making it shameful to stalk you even though the whole internet knows where you are.” Because that was my previous opinion.

    High-five!

  4. ClevelandPoet said,

    I love that katy perry calls herself a free spirit (can you actually do that?) and then proves it by talking into her shoe.

    fox soccer channel is all about the proactive commercials.

    • Rahul said,

      Anyone that talks in their shoe is ok by me. Maxwell Smart, looking in your direction.

  5. Marie said,

    Foursquare is the government’s way of keeping tabs on people. True story.

    • Rahul said,

      This is why I vote against government every November.

      Now, I’m not allowed to fly.

  6. laurenne said,

    Phew. I am so glad you’re uncool. Hopefully this means you won’t judge me when I tell you that I spent the fourth of July reading in bed. Foursquare would have laughed at me had I been on it. Thankfully, I’m not. Fuck that shit. That’s right, fuck that shit.

    Losers forever!

    • Rahul said,

      You do you baby boo.

      I hope you’re ok with this type of speech because that is how I’m talking to you from now on.

  7. Ask Alice said,

    Ok I signed up for 4square – mostly only because if I’m the mayor at the coffee shop across the street from my work I get a free coffee when I’m there.

    FREE COFFEE! For clicking a dumb button every day.

    • Rahul said,

      Ok, getting free product is fine, I see your point.

      Excuse me while I become mayor of my bank. Free money shall be mine.

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