The Only Thing That’s Free is a Free Lunch. Unless You Pay

July 7, 2010 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

It happens to all of us. No, I’m not talking about leaving the house with no pants on because you thought your apartment was on fire when really it was just your neighbor burning a waffle. No,what I’m talking about is the uncomfortable situation all of us has to deal with when hanging around couples. We’ve all been through it. Either we’re single or our signiifcant other/cat is away for the weekend and we have to be around people that have been in a relationship for awhile or are newly dating.

See couples tend to get in this pattern of speaking to each other that either is a massive stuttering problem or the reason Justin Bieber is popular in this world. Some of my friends are couples so you notice things about them that you may not normally pick up on. Let’s say you’re all sitting around enjoying a fine bottle of wine and your favorite track off of Billy Idol’s “Whiplash Smile”. Things are going swimmingly. You’re discussing the political strife in war torn countries, the fall of the Euro, and Mel Gibson’s rants against women that have given birth to some of his children. The night is going well and then…

“Baby, Baby, no, baby, I told you that Mel Gibson, Baby, I told you that he directed Passion of the Christ, baby, but he wasn’t in it.”


Are people who couple up and talk like this actually regressing in life? Are they Benjamin Button? I have found him! He is actually a woman who has received a PHD in psychology and graduated top of her class (Something Cum Laude something Latin), but now speaks like she is 12. She’s going to become a baby. Don’t get caught with your pants down, man! Statutory rape is upon us. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I’ll never understand how baby is used that much when not talking about someone under the age of 2 years old. Listen, I’m all for pet terms and such, but to overuse the term “baby” and not A) mean an actual baby, B.) be talking about some strange fetish about sex in diapers, or C) The Biebs, is outlandish. And while this does get on my nerves I can overlook it for something even more egregious that couples have.

The Freebie List.

We all know what that this is. Apparently, couples have this list of celebrities that if the celebrity tells them “Hey you can have sex with me”, the person is allowed to have sex with that celebrity with no repercussions . Hence, a freebie, or as I like to say, the 70s. It was made popular by “Friends” and is big hit among women because anything that originated from an NBC Thursday night sitcom becomes more popular than Denzel Washington in a movie theater in Compton. Women love to flaunt the list in front of the partner and say things in large groups like“ Oh, Brad Pitt is totally on the list, (Wink). You know what I mean girlfriend! (Snap)”, while their husband or boyfriend sits next to them. What infuriates me more is then the guy will come back with “Oh, you know what. Scarlett Johannson is on my list !”

You, sir, are an imbecile.

Let me tell all men something right now. We’re animals. So when you say you have a “list of celebrities” that you can sleep with, it is a lie. Because you know what? Your odds are zero percent that is going to happen unless you were just in Abercrombie and Fitch with no shirt on and staring at the mall kiosks while women gawked at you. Even then it is at zero percent. Scarlett Johannson isn’t just going to be walking down the street and say “Hey you know what? I totally want to bang that guy across the street that hasn’t shaved n 4 days, has a booger hanging out of his nose and looks like he got dressed in the dark. Blue pants, brown socks, white shirt with a spaghetti stain on it? Love it!”

Unless it’s Ragu.

Scarlett is picky.

See women have put this ruse on you that you need to have a list too because they have one. “Honey, you can have a list too!” Well, their odds are much better than yours. You know why? 2 reasons. 1. ) They actually try to look good every time they leave the house and 2.) Their list consists of attainable people. Yes, attainable celebrities. When men put the list together we go for the hottest ones we can think of. Angelina Jolie. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. Jessica Rabbit. We go for the top of the top. Do you know who some women have on their list?

Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Mother F’in Goldblum

Who has better odds here? A slobby guy sleeping with Jessica Alba or a made up professional woman with Jeff Goldblum? You have been had, men. Been Had. Women’s odds for “the list” are exponentially greater than men. In fact, it can be argued, that Jeff Goldblum’s “List” should have your wife on it. That’s right, Jeff Goldblum’s list actually includes regular people!

So men, if your wife wants to have a list just smile and nod. Then on your list don’t put on the most attractive celebrities. Just add the whole cast of the View. Even Whoopi. Then your odds are the same.

But clean up that sauce on your shirt, Whoopi isn’t a barbarian.



  1. nova said,

    Goldblum’s on my list. FOR SURE.

  2. Martini said,

    I thought Whoopi was a lesbian.

  3. nicopolitan said,

    I wonder if Jeff Goldblum is on Whoopi’s list. Nah, the universe might cave in. Also I just threw up a little.

  4. Marie said,

    I don’t know who you’ve been hanging out with but I call my boyfriend things like “crazy” and “baldie.” So much more endearing than “baby.”

    It shows I care.

  5. laurenne said,

    There are so many things you write about that you hate. And I do so many of these things. Therefore, you must hate me.
    I can’t help it. I am very unoriginal when it comes to pet names. Sorry, baby. Sorry.

    Men on my list:
    Richard Simmons
    Rick Moranis
    William Hung

    I like low standards and great odds. (although Richard will be a toughie since he’s asexual)

  6. Clevelandpoet said,

    I just said to my wife: hey woman would Jeff Goldblum be on your list if we did one of those list?

    she said: what list?

    me: you know what list.

    she looked down sheepishly and said “maybe.”

    I asked 5 friends and everyone of them said he was. Shouldn’t he be given a medal or something?

  7. Junket said,

    Jeff Goldblum would never make my list. However, Matt Dillon ranks number one. If I said I wrote about this once, does that make me lame? Yeah, I know.

  8. amperlee said,

    So… this is the first time I’ve swung by here (came over from LiLu), and you’ve already made me spit out my coffee with laughter. Jeff Goldblum had me dying.

    Love it.

    Nice to meetcha!

  9. Soda and Candy said,

    Lilu likes you, therefore I figured you must be doing something right! And this post proves I was right. You, sir, are awesome.

    Also, I am not allowed to have a list, I think because my husband suspects the same as you do… but if I did Jeff Goldblum would totally be on it. Jurassic Park era Goldblum, not currently just-a-bit-too-old Goldblum. I’m not crazy

  10. Harini said,


    True 😛

  11. Katie said,


    I needed to yell that. Sorry. Sorta.

    I have a friend that likes to retell stories much like I’m about to tell you. Picture it, Cheesecake Factory, 2009. 2 lovely ladies seated over lunch. Katie (me) and Nick (my friend) are speaking about a particular recent incident:

    Me: “So what happened exactly that made you mad?”
    Nick: “Well, we were talking and everything was fine and then he started self loathing.”
    Me: “Like that’s anything new…”
    Nick: “Oh, I know, so I said ‘Babe, don’t be self loathing'”

    …SHOOT ME.

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