Baby’s Momma Drama is Fun to Say

July 16, 2010 at 9:15 am (Uncategorized)

Apple is taking over the universe.

That is the statement which I’ve heard hundreds, nay, tens of times the last few years while Apple has been flexing their technological muscle on our poor illiterate souls. It’s not that I dislike Apple or anything. (Prior sentence included so Steve Jobs doesn’t strike me down with a thousand suns. Jesus Jobs? I like the sound of that. Is there any evidence that when the Bible says “he” that it is NOT referring to Steve Jobs? Suck on that America.) I’m not a heathen or anything; I do own an iPod unlike one of my friend’s refusal to buy an iPod so he owns a Microsoft Zune. A Zune. I don’t even know what that is except that are thousands of them in the world that house the most diverse ranges of animals ever and were celebrated by the hit movies Madagascar and Madagascar 2. The bird sanctuary next to the snake pit next to the Penguin exhibit? 3 types of animals that exist in different climates all within feet of each other? OH DO TELL ME MORE.

I want a puppy.

You see, I don’t understand all the fanboy status over technology. Yes, Apple products are nice and the software is fun, but do we need 4 hour press conferences on how it works when other companies just roll it out with no fanfare? Do I want a phone that I have to hold in the proper way so I can make a phone call? Do I actually want to make a phone call? Those are the questions that need to be asked since the iPhone is basically a can on a string with awesome everything else. To some people that’s fine and they just want to download their “fart machine” application or “trombone” sounds. Now that I think about it those are strangely similar, it makes you wonder why someone would have both. How many fake fart sounds does one person need to make?

If you’re the Jerky boys? Infinity fart sounds.

Plus 1.

Infinity plus 1 is more than infinity. Math Facts.

The other day, I had to sit through a minute of agonizing commercials when this ad came up with a man video chatting on his iPhone with a woman. Apparently, the iPhone has put a camera in the front where you can now SEE the person you’re talking to. “Oh, this is pretty cool,” I said to myself out loud, which was weird since I was alone, discounting the 4 Jell-O pudding packs I had gone through. Then they started talking, and I started violently shaking my head. To follow along here is the transcript.

Man- “What’s going on sweetie?”
Woman– “Hey, do you got a minute? (smile) Are you alone?”
Man- “Yeah”

OH HELL YES. SHE IS GOING TO GET NAKED. What else could a male aged 18-34 think in this spot? A woman would only be asking a man if he was alone if there was going to be a peep show. I read Cosmo. I know the relationship needs to stay fresh so you don’t lose the lust. Well, Spoiler alert: There’s no peep show. Thanks Apple for that enormous tease. F You.

Woman- “Well, you know that thing we’ve been working on for a while now?”
Man- laughs, “no way, really?”
Woman – “Yes”
Man- “Really?”
Both laugh and smile.

WHAT THING?!?! This could be any amount of “things”. You could have been formulating a plan to rid the planet of all Strip club flyers. This is open-ended. Now, of course, I jest because it’s pretty obvious she’s talking about being pregnant. This is where I started to get pissed. I’ve never had a woman tell me she’s pregnant, but I can imagine I would fall on the floor and pretend to have a stroke while simultaneously trying to make my forehead part of the sidewalk. Listen, dude, (aside: I hate using dude in this context, but it accentuates my anger at the situation) you can’t be surprised she’s pregnant since you’ve been trying to do this. How could you say “No way”? You know what “no way” would have been a good response for? If she said, “You know that thing we’ve been working on for a while? Well, I quit and banged the neighbor. He’s more fertile”.

Neighbors always are.

Probably a doctor too.

So at the end, over the Apple logo she says “You’re going to be a dad” for anyone to incompetent to follow along with the ad which would be around 81 percent of America. I was outraged. She’s telling him over the phone. You’re obviously having your first child and have been trying to for a while, why can’t you just wait the day, or even the week to tell him in person? Guess what lady? That baby ain’t coming out tomorrow unless it’s one of those super alien babies, which in that case, allegations are dismissed. Please name it, “XonQuie”. I was trying to think of any acceptable time to tell your husband you’re pregnant over the phone. I only came up with these 3.

1. The Taliban has captured you
2. You’re on a trip in Europe and gallivanting with people named Garcon, Roberto, and Rafael and won’t be back for 4 months.
3. You’re about to listen to a 8 hour Phish song

Other than that, you should wait. So what I got out of this iPhone ad is that it’s ok to be a jerk and tell your significant other life changing stuff on the phone. Is that what you wanted Steve Jobs? You’re making us all non feeling robots. Look at what you’ve done!

If you have an extra iPad, I’ll take it though.

Got to be hip.

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4 Comments

  1. lbluca77 said,

    I don’t get the whole Apple thing. Its like they come out with some new product and people literally act as if someone finally cured cancer. Calm down people, calm down.

    But I’ve heard its ok to text someone to say you are pregnant.

    • Junket said,

      I lost it at the 8 hour Phish song. It’s funny…because it’s true.

  2. laurenne said,

    Oh man. I hate commercials.
    Conversations not to have over the phone: I’m gay. I’m pregnant. I’m damaged. I’m lactose-intolerant.
    NO EXCEPTIONS.

    I have to mention that I have a Mac. And an iPhone. Yet another reason for you to hate me. Why are we friends? You want to break up with me, don’t you? Don’t you?
    Or wait… you’re just my friend so you can get ideas for what to write about hating on this here blog.
    I knew this was wrong. All wrong.
    Fuck you, Rahooool. Fuckit.

  3. Katrina said,

    iPads are junk, true story.

    Oh yeah, the new iPhone is all great now, but when some 15 year old girl gets raped because her boyfriend got all horned up watching watching her on their new video calling feature, or the next miss america’s “private video chat” with her boyfriend “accidentally” gets leaked on the interwebz, the Marching Mothers of America will piss on Apple with a vengeance (because it’s not their fault as parents or anything)

    I digress, I’m just bitter because I have a clit-on for the new iPhone and can’t afford it.

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