Charity Isn’t Just The Stripper From Last Night

July 27, 2010 at 11:42 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I like to think of myself as a very philanthropic person. I would think that most people would like to be givers and not receivers in the grand scheme of things. When bad things happen you can be sure that the people of this world will rise up to at least do all they can to help out said bad event. Look at Hurricane Katrina. When the ‘cane (slang term) hit Louisiana people did all they could to help out, including Sean Penn going on one of the most ludicrous search and rescue missions of all time. Sean Penn’s attempted rescue of Katrina survivors is only second to Superman freezing over a lake, picking up the block of lake ice, and dropping it onto a factory to put out a fire in Superman 3 as far as outlandishness goes. There are so many questions. How did Superman only freeze over the top part of the lake and separate it from the water? Wouldn’t he need a lot more water to put out a factory fire? Did he freeze over some animals and drop them into the fire therefore making the greatest seafood cookout of all time? PETA is going to be all over Superman’s ass for this.

What if Superman was God? Trick Question. God is Superman.

Superman was a guy that liked to give. He gave all the time. In this respect I like to think of myself as the not fast, less handsome, grounded, weak, worse visioned Superman. You see I like to give to causes. I’ll donate a sheckle here and a peso there to various organizations. Diabetes Foundation? Here’s $5. Cancer Awareness? I’ll take 4 bracelets. Sex-aholics Anonymous? Yes, please. I believe in helping the less fortunate if you have the ability to do so. I also believe in stealing from the rich and giving to the poor which is why my bedroom is filled with posters of Robin Hood and Omar from The Wire (judging by ratings, a reference only 12 percent of America will understand).


When I told my mom how I felt about charities she applauded me. Then she asked me if I was crazy for giving money to just “everybody on the free earth planet”. While, I thought this was some kind of organization that was founded by hippies just trying to get money for their patchouli oil, I quickly realized it was just another mistake by mother when using the English language. She then said to me, “Hey, did you hear about the oil spill? It’s bad.” I countered with, “Yeah, I gave some money for relief efforts.” When I told her how much she said I should be saving that money to buy a house. I shed a tear. It was at this point I realized my mother is fully American. She now portrays the true American ideal of “Personal wealth is greater than donating to the cause.”

It’s the slogan on the new quarter. The face? Scrooge McDuck.

While I do like donating, the problem I have is when the various charities ask for money at the same place everyday. I have found myself running into this issue at the Coffee Bean. You see, I like to have a Vanilla Chai Tea Latte every now and then. The first time I walked in there, I ordered it, and the nice barista asked if I would like to send coffee to the troops overseas. After she rebuffed my initial question of why would troops need coffee to stay awake when they should be staying awake with the rattling of gunshots, I succumbed and bought a bag of coffee for $10. Is that the fair going price of coffee? I don’t know. I’m sure Juan Valdez would have made a $9.91 profit on me if I was buying from Colombia. Feeling proud of myself, I left the Coffee Bean pleased and went about my day.

Two days later I was back.

“Do you want to buy some coffee to send to the troops?” Oh great. Now what? A DIFFERENT barista was asking me to donate money to something I already did. I always go with the standard answer of, “I’ve already done it last time”. Now you’re a jerk. You know this barista has heard this excuse a million of times so they don’t believe you and think you’re a tight wad Indian that hates America and wants the troops to suffer with no caffeine to get them through the cold desert nights in Iraq. So when this happens always try to explain myself.

“No, no you see I really DID send the troops some coffee. I’m a nice guy. I did for real. It was another barista. BELIEVE ME!”

I’m usually escorted out by this point. Regardless, it’s awkward. People that ask for money for charity should always being doing it at different places so we can avoid this donation dance. If you go to the same place people are going to be bitter or think of ways to not talk to you by walking directly behind someone else walking out of the store and hiding in their trench coat. Not saying I have or have not done that. A better idea would be give me a receipt. Because I will go into Coffee Bean with a receipt and wave it in their faces and say, “Suck it, I’m philanthropic and I like everyone and you have to believe me or I will burn your house down!”

Dear Homeland Security, the above was a joke. Forward to the TSA.

Superman doesn’t have to put up with this.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    I hate the people that stand outside the grocery store asking you to donate to the homeless. I always give money to the homeless I just give it to the homeless directly. Sure I might be enabling their crack habit but its still giving. Usually when I see the volunteers outside the store I pretend to be on my cell phone.

  2. Sara said,

    That’s why everyone should do it the way PetSmart does. When you swipe your card, you can either give $1, $5 or $10 to a pet charity. That way I can give just $1 every time, and it always looks like I’m a charitable person when in reality, I’m just a broke ass bitch donating pennies to help sad faced dogs that listen to Sarah McLachlan.

    Win, win, win. (If you don’t watch The Office, this probably isn’t very funny.)

  3. laurenne said,

    Oh no. I work atop the Coffee Bean. I’ve stopped going due to the constant guilt trip about the troops. And the fact that I spent $75 last month on double macchiatos.
    The troops don’t need shitty coffee.
    They need porn and alcohol. Let’s get real here people.

  4. Sara said,

    I officially love laurenne.

    Porn and alcohol. Two of my favorite words.

  5. Marie said,

    Next time pretend you’re deaf. What?! It can work.

  6. The Demigoddess said,

    I always feel a pain in my chest-or maybe it’s my heart-when I see children begging in the streets. I give to one child and within seconds, five more will swarm and ask for more money. I always hoped there was something I can do, something more than just giving a penny here and there.

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