Cheap, Easy, and Undateable

August 3, 2010 at 11:18 am (Uncategorized)

(we’re going retro today. I wrote this two years ago. Unfortunately, it’s still relevant. I cry every night)

Dating.

It’s what men and women do before they get “married”, “have monsters sweet precious children”, and “pay exorbitant fees for elaborate weddings.”

We all know dating also extends to men and men, women and women, teacher and student, mom and son’s best friend, horse and woman, horse and man..

This has taken an in interesting turn.

I’m bringing this up since my dating life ramped up after college even though I was living at home and eating Hot Pockets every day for lunch. This meant that I either had no money or really really loved Hot Pockets. I’ll go with both. Because of that, when I went out on “dates” or as I like to call them “Love Interviews”, I had to make sure they were within my budget. Also if any ladies would like to fill out a “Love Interview” here are some sample questions.

1. Name.
11. Are you a woman?
34. Breathing, yes/no.

Since I was a fan of the cheap dates, I saw an article titled “Cheap Dates” and was intrigued. Then when I opened it, I realized it meant cheap as in price and not cheap as in easy. Reading has foiled me again. Let’s go through some of the suggestions with my experiences.

1. Don those matching aprons. Fire up the skillet for a night of cooking — for the both of you.

When I first started dating this girl out of college we ended up cooking together at her apartment. Obviously, we could not cook at my place since my mom would be barging in and asking us when we’re going to get married. Everything was going smoothly when I proceeded to drop a pan of lasagna on the ground. Whoops. Unfortunately, this wasn’t I Love Lucy and a food fight didn’t ensue. Damn you Ricky Ricardo. No, she cried. My two classes of Psychology, one of which I dropped out of, didn’t prepare me for the onslaught of “My life is a mess” tears I heard that night.

Success scale – Kato Kaelin, famous for being not famous.

2. Head to the bookstore. Walk through the aisles together, showing each other your favorite books and bonding over the books you both hated.

I think this would have been a good idea if I didn’t spend 30 minutes at the magazine rack reading what Rolling Stone was saying about Linkin Park. “Kim, they didn’t curse on their whole first album!” When she came back asking her if she bought another “chick romance lit whatever” was not the right move.

Success Scale – Stephen Baldwin , you’ve seen him in things you just don’t want to admit it.

3. Bowl him over at the bowling alley.

I’m super competitive. I may not show it, but I have to win. So the one night we went to the bowling alley I was determined to be champion. After an absolute destruction in the first game (I am a Bowling God!), the second game was much closer. I was up 9 pins in the last frame so my ex just needed a spare or strike to win. On her first roll she got a 7. “Oh god, I’m going down, I might cry, is that ok?” Then she got up to bowl and proceeded to roll a gutter ball. VICTORY! I took that as an opportunity to let her know she choked big time. “Who won? The losers? hahahahaha.” Note: That is not the proper thing to say.

Success Scale- Daughtry, didn’t win the battle, but is winning the war.

4. Show him your rugged side and build something together.

One of the girls I dated bought herself a dresser from Ikea that she needed help putting together. I had actually worked at a furniture company and would have put it together in about 30 minutes. So I head over and realize that she has to do everything herself.

Me- Here let me help (grabs screwdriver)
Her- No I CAN DO IT!
Me- Ok, but I know…
Her- LEAVE ME ALONE!

Romance.

As I watched her struggle for an hour she finally let me help and we put it together. In the process of moving it into position we chipped the bottom of the dresser and cracked the back panel. I got blamed. Women be complaining.

Success Scale – Rembrandt – They only love you when you’re dead.

5. Put on your walking shoes and head to the museum.

We went to a museum, I complained everything in there was either dead or put there by a dead person. It was a real pick me up.

Success Scale – Saturday Night Live from 2003- 2005. – It really wasn’t funny or that enjoyable.

6. Take a class together. Sign up for a class in something neither of you know how to do.

I didn’t actually do this with a girlfriend, but with one of my best friends that was a girl. In college we both took a summer Psychology class to get ahead on our credits. One day she came back from the student square and told me that she saw our teacher and that he hit on her. I said, “Well that’s an A for you.” She complained saying that she wasn’t going to get any preferential treatment. We got the same grades on our quizzes and tests, but had one final paper. My final grade? B+, hers? A. This is the same girl that got a D in an open book math class.

Must be nice to have boobs.

Success Scale- The Boy Who Cried Wolf – He was right, but no one believed him.

7. Celebrate the first snow of winter with a day of sledding.

Went sledding once with myself in front steering and the girl on back holding on. As we go down the hill I realize we are heading straight for a tree. Since she can’t see over me I yell” TREE! ABORT! ABORT!”. I then proceed to jump of the sled while she is still on and she swerves on the sled due to the weight shift and rolls down the hill.

I never talked to her again.

Success Scale – Bill O’Reilly- He makes a lot of money and seems smart, but most people think he’s a dick.

8. Attend an open mic night. Grab a cup of coffee and check out a local coffee shop’s open mic night.

This was actually a pretty good night. We went out saw some horrendous comics and one pretty good girl playing guitar at the end of the night. She was really good. Which made her equally attractive. So I’m looking at her play and my ex sees that I’m paying close attention.

Her- Like what you see?
Me- Yeah she’s really good, her chord prog…
Her – Why are you staring at her chest?
Me- What?
Her- I know you’re checking her out
Me- She’s right in front of me!
Her- Well, guess what, she’s only 15. Pervert.
Me- 15 is the new 24, no? no?
Her – Funny

I did not have relations that night.

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19 Comments

  1. Doniree said,

    Chris Daughtry is hot.

    Oh, wait. Not what this was about? Shoot.

    • Rahul said,

      Daughtry is his name AND the name of the band. Multitasking.

  2. Lacey Bean said,

    This was AMAZING.

  3. Mindy said,

    Blast from the past. I think I read this posting last time.

    And I probably wanted to provide the same comment, too, about Kato not exactly being ugly.

  4. Mandy Moore said,

    Hahahahaha “love interviews!” Love it. I’m now accepting applications due to K-Dub’s douchebagery.

    Are one-night-stands considered love interviews? This is a very important question. I’m asking on behalf of my friend. Yeah, my friend wants to know….

    • Rahul said,

      I think that would be considered “temp work”

  5. laurenne said,

    This is my new favorite dating blog. It’s been a seamless transformation.

    WHATEVER.

    I love Hot Pockets.

    My ex broke up with me because I was staring at a piano player while he played. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Double-you-Tee-Eff?

    Let’s forget about dating and go get a $5 footlong.

    • Mandy Moore said,

      Rahul. If you don’t date this girl, or at least go for a ‘love interview’ I will. LOL.

      HOT

      POCKETS.

      (said like the old-school commercial, BTW.)

    • Rahul said,

      What was he playing? The tambourine? This is important information. It will let me into your soul.

      Mandy- Laurenne and I have already had a torrid love affair, topped off by the day we ate pasta for breakfast and she looked for paper towels for 35 minutes. Too Hot for TV.

      • laurenne said,

        YOU MUST ALWAYS SEARCH FOR PAPER TOWELS after eating pasta for breakfast.
        He was playing the hot pocket.

  6. nicopolitan said,

    Note to self: do not drop lasagna.

    Alternatively: dropping lasagna can be used as a threat. Example: “BITCH do NOT make me drop the lasagna!”

    • Rahul said,

      We should enter this in Urban Dictionary. It will inevitably be spelled wrong.

  7. The Demigoddess said,

    I learn something new from you each time I come visit…

    • Rahul said,

      What did you learn this time? Don’t be me?

  8. Clevelandpoet said,

    reading ruins everything.
    I had a first date at a reading/open mic night where the chick was supposed to print and bring me the poems I was reading and forgot them. Yeah I was the featured reader.

    fail

  9. lbluca77 said,

    “Love interviews” HAHA! I am so saying that and claiming it as my own.

  10. overville said,

    Awesome. Did you do all of those things when you were a teenager? It sucks to be sixteen and planning a date, especially when girls keep complaining. And I used to suck at bowling so I took a bowling class but I didn’t tell the girl I like that I did, so when we went bowling together she felt like a loser and she never wanted to see me again.

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