What Women Don’t Want (Sorry)

August 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

(note: this is all done tongue firmly planted inside cheek. Also, I don’t know what that phrase means, but it seems apropos. I, also, don’t know what apropos really means, but that also seems apropos. )

I’ve been writing a blog of some kind for almost 3 years. In that time you tend to read other blogs to gain more readers, insight, and hopefully stumble upon a nude picture of Zooey Deschanel. If someone had told me that there would be NO Zooey nude pictures on the webs of Internet the last 3 years I would have quit reading blogs exactly 3 years ago. But we must dream and dance at the thought this could one day happen so we power on with our journey through personal blog land. We stumble upon blogs that make us laugh or some poetry or these weird ones that are written in Chinese about herbal remedies for toe enlargement.

The Chinese are always ahead of us! You know what they say about people with big feet? That’s right.

They’re weird.

The one constant about blogs, though, is that they are mostly written by women. I haven’t done a study on blogs, but I’m willing to bet exactly 93.52 percent of all personal type blogs are written by women. It’s all very scientific. The other 6.48 percent of blogs are written by some combination of men, hermaphrodites, and cats that can’t spell. Seriously, someone get those cats a dictionary. Or at least an ESL teacher. Reading blogs is a great way for men to get into the female psyche. We can find out what women like about us, what they hate about us, and that Nordstrom’s one day sale is finally back.

Tommy Bahama is still in, right?

Since I have gained all this knowledge about women and what they are looking for in men, I have been able to gain tens, nay, at least one date from an actual woman. They are telling us THE SECRETS. Thanks to these secrets I now know the places to NOT ask a woman out or hit on them. Just for the viewing public, I have narrowed down the top 5 places to not ask a woman on a date according to female bloggers. And yes, these have all been said by female bloggers at one time or another.

In no particular order

The Library/Bookstore

A woman’s take

“I’m just at the library/bookstore to read Eat, Pray, Love in silence. I do not want you telling me my hair smells good. Does she find enlightenment in India?!?! I don’t know because your grubby hands are in front of me. Bonus point: If you’re at the library I automatically put you on no job and no money since if you had either you wouldn’t be there. Good luck on those keyboards that chronic masturbators touch.”

Bar

a.)With a group of friends.

A woman’s take

“I’m out with my girl friends! It’s girl’s night out and we don’t want to be fending off advances from these creeps thinking we’re easy pickings since no guys are around. We’re just here to drink and not think about men so get away. You might be a nice guy, but I’m not in the mood. Not tonight.”

b.)With one other friend

A woman’s take

“Listen, weirdo. She just broke up with her boyfriend. Can’t you see she’s in a bad place? I’m just being a good friend and we don’t want you taking away our time together. You’re not going home with her buddy, so give it up. You suck.”

Laundromat

A woman’s take

“I don’t want some stranger seeing my underwear. This isn’t the time to be sneaking up on me with some pickup line you saw from Mystery. I can’t give you my full attention while hiding my fat pants from you. Also, don’t attempt to help me carry my laundry, I’m a woman. Not a midget.”

At the park

A woman’s take

“You see I’m at the park on a run. I’m sweaty, I’m gross, and I haven’t put on any makeup. I don’t want anyone coming within 40 feet of me let alone asking me out to the Hollywood Bowl to see Michael Buble. And DON’T run with me or start running backwards while talking to me. Stop showing off asshat. Also you’re shirt is inside out.”

At The Office

A woman’s take

“I’m at work, dude. I’m trying to save my company millions of dollars and I just want to crank this out and get a drink. And yes if you see me at the bar after work don’t talk to me there either because I’m stressed out and will freak out at every little thing you say. Please see above for “bar””

Now that I know where to not ask out women I’ve gone from being rejected 99 percent of the time to being rejected 0 percent of the time. This probably has something to do with not asking anyone out anymore because I’m terrified and the only two safe havens for meeting someone is jail and the Hollywood sign. But who cares. No more rejections! Suck it World. Eating Pringles on a Saturday night is way better anyway.

Ask the Chinese.

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18 Comments

  1. lbluca77 said,

    I would love if a guy asked me on a date at the park. Even if I was all gross or sweaty. If a guy is interested in dating/humping you when you look your worst then think of how much he will be into dating/humping you once you clean yourself up and look all pretty?

    And for the record, my cat can spell and English is her first language.

    • Rahul said,

      I need to see proof of this cat spelling. Actually, I don’t, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

  2. ClevelandPoet said,

    what if you brought your cat to the bookstore/library to ask the girl for you?

  3. [F]oxymoron said,

    As part of the other 6.48% … I concur.

    This is why I took a chance with mail order brides. Give it a shot.

    • Rahul said,

      This is why you are the smartest person on the Internet. Well, after Anderson Cooper and 7,981,123 mommy bloggers.

  4. Amanda said,

    I’d say the only one of those I’d not agree with is at a bar. So many women say they don’t want to be picked up at a bar, but we’re liars. Here’s a little insight: We will always get all dressed up sexy to get attention, and then pretend like we’re too cool for school so it doesn’t seem like we’re desperate, but really, any girl with a functioning vagina is hoping someone has noticed the effort she’s gone to. I can’t speak for all the ladies, but sending over a drink or a shot (nothing too fru-fru) is like the bar-equivalent of sending a text because it’s nonintrusive. If the girl has any class, and as long as you’re not acting like a douche from afar, she’ll come over and thank you. Way better than butting into a conversation she’s having.

    And…. you’re welcome.

    • Rahul said,

      You must be an alien. The greatest alien woman ever. I shall call you…Amanda. Dammit, that’s not very alien like. I’m not creative.

  5. MandyMoore said,

    You don’t get rejected, Rahul, because you are such a sexy sexy man who is unafraid to come to a meetup with all people liking men but you. No, that’s not why. Oh my. Um. Nothing. Wine. More wine.

    While we’re on the subject of learning about women, what is your take on the striped polo shirt as seen on my last blog? I’d love your opinion.

    • Rahul said,

      I get rejected more than a midget playing a basketball game. And yes it took me 2 hours to come up with that. I’m quick.

  6. Junket said,

    I love it!!! I’d like to add that yelling anything about my ass out of your window while I’m walking my dog is a ticket straight to “stranger danger” land. However, the dog knows how to bring them so I should really be talking to him about that.

    • Rahul said,

      Well thats obvious. Thats why I only do the “hey, girl, you so fine with all your get out!” Note: That does not work at the hospital.

  7. Sid said,

    What that’s completely ridiculous. I think that the last one should be amended. “Don’t hit on me at the office unless you’re seriously hot.”

    Have to agree about the laudromat one.

    Also men who can’t spell should not hit on yu via email.

    • Rahul said,

      Oh, so, “will u go oot wth me 2morrow nt” is not the proper way to go about things.

  8. laurenne said,

    Am I a desperate ho for wanting to be hit on everywhere I go? I am, aren’t I? We’re friends. Why haven’t you told me I’m a desperate ho?

    • Rahul said,

      Hey, I want to be hit on everywhere I go too! This is why we’re friends. Desperate Hos-wives.

      I’m sorry for that.

  9. Jamie Varon said,

    Women are fickle, crazy bitches. If I were a man, I’d mail-order a Russian bride, STAT.

  10. verybadcat said,

    these picky bitches are making my life a lot harder, then.

    i want to get hit on. no matter who you are, no matter where i am, no matter what’s going on. i’ll turn you down if i feel it’s necessary, but let me make that decision.

    🙂

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