Best Friends, Best Bathrooms, Best Beyonds

August 18, 2010 at 11:39 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Let’s be serious for a second. We could all use better friends. Maybe this is a blanket statement that has no merit since I don’t know each and every one of you outside of your tickling fetishes and Nietzsche collectible sets, but I think it’s true. I mean, we all have GOOD friends, some of us may have GREAT friends or AMAZING friends or MULTIPLE AMPUTEE friends, but we could always use more. Not that being great and being an amputee are mutually exclusive. Look at (insert great amputee person). We live in America, for Pete’s sake, more is in our blood! (Aside: I know this is normally the part I go on a tirade of who this “Pete” person is and why we are “saking” him, but I will refrain today. I like to mix it up. Keep it fresh. Don’t lose that spark) Unless, of course, you don’t live in the US which means this whole point was lost on you.

Lost in Translation.


The question is. How good are our friends? There are many things that you can do to test out your relationship with your friends. They call you when they know you’re having a bad day. They make you laugh about silly things like Webster and the movie Hotel Rwanda. When you break up with someone they come over and bring you chicken soup for the soul or some such self-help trash that makes you more depressed. These are what good friends do, but these are not what great friends do. No, there is only one way to know you have a great friend that you will have forever.

They talk to you on the phone when they’re in the bathroom.

Now, some of you may be saying that’s rude, or crappy. (Sorry, too easy. Forgive me father for I have punned.) Not I. I say this is the ultimate sign of respect for anyone. They want to talk to you so badly that they continue to talk to you no matter the circumstance. That is the type of person I want in a bunker with me. For no other reason than they will have a cell phone on them in said bunker and will call other people to let them know the situation.

“What’s up? Nah, just getting hit with artillery from some insurgents. No, I don’t have to go, what’s new with you? Did you see Real Housewives of New Jersey? Danielle, don’t play baby girl!”

BFF. Totes. Forevs.

You see, people who talk to other people in bathrooms don’t care that the other person knows you’re in a bathroom. Hell no! They are proud to be talking to you. Sure the sound bounces off the walls and you just took the person on the other end of the phone to a trip to the pool with the Cosby kids, but so what? Some things just need to be said and can’t wait 30 second, 5 minutes or an hour (I don’t judge). Think about it, the other day at work I was in the bathroom minding my own business because who’s business would you mind in the bathroom?

Don’t answer that.

Anyway, so I was at the urinal and this guy comes barging on in talking on the phone. I try to pay no mind, but hello, we’re in a bathroom so it’s kind of hard not to eavesdrop on the conversation he’s having. Next thing I know, this nice older man is talking about “doctor said months”, “he needs chemo”, “it’s not looking good,” and “Charlie St. Cloud was awful.” I wanted to cry. How could a movie with Zac Efron and dead brother be terrible? Is there no justice in this cruel, cruel world? Critics can be so harsh sometimes when a fabulous actor tries to take on serious roles.

So while this gentleman was talking to whoever he was talking to, I knew he was a great person. No, he didn’t WAIT to tell someone about this person with cancer. He didn’t care that it’s obvious to anyone on the other line that you’re in a bathroom. He decided it was a fantastic idea to make sure this information was told while flushing the urinal. What goes better with a cancer announcement then a tinkle on a urinal cake? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I need to friend him on MySpace.

Top 8.

For sure.



  1. Bradshaw said,

    Apparently it’s still 2005 and we’re still on MySpace?

    When did I miss that memo?

    • Rahul said,

      I sent it out last week. I’ll get you on the mailing list.

  2. laurenne said,

    But I talk to everyone while on the toilet: TMobile reps, friends, enemies. I’m even on the toilet right now. Did you hear that? Sorry.

    Poo jokes! YAY! Almost as funny as Hotel Rwanda. That was a knee slapper.

    • Rahul said,

      T-Mobile gets all the love. You are probably Friendster friends with them. I’m jealous.

  3. Jamie Varon said,

    “Top 8.”

    I die.

    • Rahul said,

      I would put you in my top 2. Make everyone jealous.

  4. ClevelandPoet said,

    store manager who was my boss at one point once called me from the bathroom.
    and said:

    “hold on gonna put you on speaker phone so I can wash my hands.”

    • Rahul said,

      Hey don’t want to get the phone wet. Have to respect the hygiene.

  5. citygirlblogs said,

    Brilliant, bloody brilliant! Loved it so much that I read it out loud to my friend — after I left the bathroom ;).

    • Rahul said,

      What if you read it to your friend IN the bathroom? The world would cease to exist.

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