My Mom Doesn’t Have Twitter. Let’s Rejoice.

August 24, 2010 at 11:59 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

I like music. That statement, in and of itself, isn’t scandalous. What would start a bigger conversation would be the statement, “I DON’T like music.” I would say roughly 98 percent (scientific research) of the population of the free world enjoys some type of music. If you were to be in the remaining 2 percent that disliked music there would be a varying amount of questions asked of you. Why don’t you like music? Do you not like hearing emotion in song form? Are you deaf? Are you tired of people telling you to “come on” and “jump around”? Are you upset they weren’t called Milli VanillA? People would start to psychoanalyze you based on that one statement due to how weird it sounds. Who doesn’t like music?

MTV. (Sorry, too easy)

We all talk about how we hate “lame” status messages and “boring” tweets. It’s one of the curses of the internet. Tweeting about how much you hate lame tweets has made you become lame yourself. The circle of life is now complete. Come with me to Freedom! Let’s think about his for a second. One of the pet peeves with Twitter and Facebook are people telling us, “Hey, it’s laundry day!” or “Just took Billy Dog Thornton for a walk!” That we know. It bothers us because we don’t want to know the mundane facts of everyone’s lives. Unless we’re stalking them and want to turn them into our girlfriends with ether, a rag, and Range Rover.

It’s better when it’s unconscious.

There’s an easy fix to all of this. Some of you may be saying the easy thing to do is to not write boring unoriginal thoughts. Yes, we could try doing that, but you have met a lot of people in your life. Most of them are boring, unoriginal and/or related to you. There is no way my mom could write something that was thought-provoking or funny. Let’s look at her fake Twitter timeline


That’s you!

@rsub27 Why are you making fun of your poor mother? About 1 hour ago via ubernagging in reply to rsub27

I need a new phone. Does anyone have the number for AT&T? about 11 hours ago via web

@Singhsfamouspizza My husband likes pizza! about 17 hours ago via web

@rsub27 When you come home make sure you bring a clean shirt. about 23 hours ago via web in reply to rsub27

Just got back from yoga. It’s hard. 3:41 PM Aug 22nd via web

I’m getting so old! 10:00 AM Aug 21st via TweetDeck

See? Not very much fun at all. But how can we change all of these lame tweets and status updates? In one easy way. Make everything negative. Instead of “I’m getting old” just say” I’m NOT getting old.” Say “I hate pizza!” As human beings we are always conditioned to ask why to anything we don’t understand. As with the previous music analogy we are curious to find out what exactly you don’t like about things. You’re getting old? Boring. We all are. You’re NOT getting old? What happened? How is this possible? Are you Benjamin Button? Are you Brad Pitt? Were you given some power by some dude named Jacob on an island where a plane crashed and they could never get off, but somehow could always have gotten off until they died?

Gilligan’s Island reruns.

This is what we need to happen. We don’t need unoriginal people to stop writing, we just need them to write out whatever they wanted to and then have a program change it to the negative. That is what starts discourse nowadays. We need to go against the grain. Also this super program should also be able to take obvious things that no one likes and turn them into something they should like. For example, no one seems to like this Jon Gosselin person. He’s been called a douche, a bozo, a dingbat, and Jon. If someone wrote “I hate Jon Gosselin,” well, that’s pathetic. But change it to I LOVE Jon Gosselin and we’re back in business.

Differing views are what this country has been built on. Just look at George Washington. He wanted to chop down cherry trees. Someone told him cherry trees are stupid, so he became President. I’m pretty sure that’s how it worked. So think to yourself, “Self is this tweet terrible?” If the answer is yes, then just do the opposite. We’ll all be better off and no one will be complaining anymore that their Internet feeds are taken over by everyday tasks.

But could someone buy me a shirt? Mom won’t be happy.



  1. lbluca77 said,

    I’m going to tweet “I think Justin Bieber is sexy and want to have his baby” and see what happens.

    Besides the police showing up at my door I’m sure the internet will explode.

    • Rahul said,

      Police won’t show up at your door. Angry 14 year old girls will.

  2. ClevelandPoet said,

    I will do this at least 2 times a day from now on.

    also: Billy Dog Thornton

    amazeballs as the kids say

    before I yell at them to get off my lawn (which I don’t actually have)

    • Rahul said,

      Lawns are overrated. Animals named after celebrities are underrated.

  3. Junket said,

    “Unless we’re stalking them and want to turn them into our girlfriends with ether, a rag, and Range Rover.”

    This made me laugh out loud so hard. So, how about that BP, eh? Doing great things for the turtles these days.

    • Rahul said,

      I only own two rags. So don’t go spreading that rumor around.

  4. Oliver said,

    If everyone (including me) who reads your blog does this, our Twitter followers will think it’s opposite day. They will think we watched too much Spongebob. But that will mean they’re awful.

    Ice cream is better served warm and melted.

    • Rahul said,

      Ice Cream soup is where it’s at. With sprinkles.

  5. laurenne said,

    I’m NOT sitting in the fetal position right now wondering why life is so hard.
    I’m DID drop my sweater in a toilet full of pee today.
    I’m NOT crying over my mom’s statuses that really do exist and are about the Real Housewives of New Jersey. My mom does NOT know and care more about them than she does about me.


    • Rahul said,

      ” I’m Did drop my sweater”

      For a grammar perfectionist that was sad.

      I’m NOT writing a comment back right now.

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