Let’s Keep It Real. Really Real.

August 30, 2010 at 12:41 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

Movies. You know movies. They are those moving pictures that play inside a room that seats around 200 people in plush seating. They are those things that people watch while stuffing their faces with popcorn and sour patch kids (Aside: Those are 2 things people only eat when they are watching a movie or are dead broke. I have yet to hear someone say, “I really want some popcorn!” Ok, I lied. My dad says that, but then 60 percent of the popcorn ends up on his shirt. So he’s more wearing it than eating it. Popcorn suits. Coming to a Sears near you. Dad always has the best ideas.) They are those things that end with some sad song by The Fray or Sigur Ros or some such band that makes you want to crawl under your chair and pass out because that is the same exact song that you heard with her when you noticed each other for the first time, but then it ended when she ran away with the guy that’s in a band with the nice hair and silky smooth voice that wears ironic t shirts that portray how much he doesn’t care which is why she cares so much.

What kind of band name is The Lesbian Brothers anyway?

Movies are also those things that my friends and I continually reference if for no other reason than we are huge, annoying nerds. There has been many a time when we relate a life experience to a movie. In a related note, we have no girlfriends. It is a very man thing to quote movies and say things like “He’s dead the whole time,” and “You know what’s good? Yoohoo with a little rum.” So while I do enjoying watching movies, I also tend to pick out things in movies that annoy and ruin the experience for me.

Dakota Fanning, looking in your direction.

We all know the movie Avatar. If you don’t know it or that James Cameron made billions by making up a language and making everyone look like the Blue Man Group, please go outside and join the universe. Put down the National Geographic and hoping you may see an African woman’s breasts. It’s ok to live. After seeing Avatar, one of my friends asked me how the movie was. My response? I was disgusted that in the movie one of the main characters names was Norm. NORM. Avatar takes place in the year 2154. So while I could suspend my disbelief that Blue people live somewhere or that you can ride a unicorn or that Sam Worthington is a good actor, I couldn’t get over Norm. Does anyone know anyone named Norm in 2010 that is under the age of 50? Anyone? So you’re telling me they went to all this trouble making a new language and went over every detail and no one raised their hand and said, “Hey Jimbo, Norm’s an old school name and by the year 2154 no one is going to have that name, especially a 30 year old guy.”

What was James Cameron thinking? “Oh Norm is a hip name. Look at that guy on Cheers! Everyone knows his name!” Shut up. For the next 2 hours I was so upset that a guy named Norm existed in the year 2154 that I forgot what happened. I think everyone died. Spoiler Alert. Retroactive to the previous sentence.

You may think this is a one-time thing, but here are 3 other movies that still bother me due to the littlest things

War of the Worlds– Tom Cruise is trying to drive from Bayonne, NJ to Boston to get away from aliens. He drives through New York state when the fastest way is through Connecticut. Any east coaster knows this. I turned to my friend and told her this in the theater and she punched me. I then brought it up again and she threw a Junior Mint in my eye. I think my point was made.

Man on Fire – Dakota Fanning speaks like a mid 30s English professor and is basically falling in love with Denzel Washington. One of the creepiest love stories ever written. No one else noticed, but I did. At one point, I audible say, “Just make out already.” I was then told to keep it down or I would be escorted out. I threw a Junior Mint in my own eye.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – As soon as they started their trek to White Castle, I thought it would be the shortest movie of all time. There’s a White Castle right on Route 1 in New Jersey. It’s on the right. Can’t miss it. They missed it. I was appalled. It’s RIGHT THERE. No need to go down to Cherry Hill.

While I’m here, let me tell everyone something. It’s 2010. This movie came out in 2004. When I’m hanging out with an Asian friend and we’re talking about Halloween there’s no need to say, “Hey, you guys should go as Harold and Kumar,” and start laughing profusely like it’s the 1st time anyone’s mentioned it. We get it. It’s the only pop culture reference that pairs an Indian and Asian man and you think you are so brilliant to bring this up. We’ve only heard it 5,781 times (approximate). You don’t see us going up to 2 white people and saying, “Hey you guys should go this Halloween as Joey and Ross from Friends, two totally non- descript people, but hey, you’re both white. GET IT?!!?”

White people have all the cool costumes.

The final nail in the coffin was this past weekend. The lovely Junket and I saw Takers. Aside from it being one of the worst movies made in the history of the universe (that includes Scary Movie 72); it made the biggest mistake of all time (Slight hyperbole. Slight). In the movie, Matt Dillon’s character asks his 12 year old daughter if she wants to get pizza. She says no. I find this to be the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. When I was 12 all my mom had to say was, “Who wants piz…” and I would be running around with my hands in the air like I had no previous trouble in the world. I would be bouncing off walls and pretending I was Macho Man Randy Savage and drop an off the top rope elbow on my unsuspecting brother. All because we were going to have PIZZA. Man’s greatest creation.

Sorry, York Peppermint Patty.

So listen up movies, just fix the little things so I can pay attention. I can get over blue people, some guy blowing everyone up and Neil Patrick Harris being a man whore, but I can’t get over pizza. Let’s remedy the situation and you’ll have me at hello.

The Lesbian Brothers have more work to do.

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12 Comments

  1. Marie said,

    Let’s go watch a movie together, you make a comment, and instead of a junior mint, I’ll throw pizza at your face.

    What say you?

    • Rahul said,

      Deal, I love pizza. Plain cheese. Let’s not get crazy

  2. lbluca77 said,

    Marc Anthony playing Dakota Fanning’s dad, yeah because that’s believable.

    • Rahul said,

      Marc Anthony doing anything. That’s believable.

  3. Bradshaw said,

    Still jealous you saw Junket first. Meanie.

    Also, I thought Klondike bars thought they had more going for them than the York Peppermint Patty?

    • Rahul said,

      Klondike bars are just frozen peppermint pattys. WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED

  4. Junket said,

    Bwahahaha…I forgot that you were enraged by her lack of interest in pizza. She was a shitty little kid anyway. Doesn’t she know that the Tar Pits are kind of boring after the first ten minutes? She needed to quit her silent passive aggressive bitching.

    On another note. What if when your mom said, “Who wants piz” and what she was really going to say was “pizazz” and there you were running around with your hands in the air? I’m seeing jazz hands and such. This is a totally possible scenario.

    • Rahul said,

      I did laugh at that Pizzaz comment. Then I realized my mom has no idea what pizzaz means. She’ll think it’s a dirty word.

  5. Sara said,

    Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure the pizza thing is ri-fucking-diculous. I’m an adult, and I still do that running around the house arms flailing thing when someone mentions pizza.

    • Rahul said,

      Thats it. We’re eating pizza together. Dual seizures. Someone call 911.

  6. laurenne said,

    I love Peppermint Patties! Favorite candy of all time.
    We have more in common than I thought, Rahuliosis.

    I even love pizza and hate the name Norm.
    This is crazy.

    We should run towards each other in slow motion to Sigur Ros.
    Let’s plan that. Call ya tomorrow.

    • Rahul said,

      I thought this was a poem. It’s not. We like the same things?!?! I never thought this would be possible. What’s next? Women voting?!?!

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