I Walked My Kid, Then He Bit Me

September 1, 2010 at 4:33 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

I don’t know how I feel about kids. The problem with writing a sentence like this is twofold. One, people will immediately react in the extreme positive or extreme negative when you talk about having children of your own. I have never heard one parent ever say, “Kids, they aight”. I’ve also never spent enough time in “urban” areas to hear the term “aight” used correctly, but that is neither here nor over there. I imagine Ice Cube uses it correctly in all of his new “family” type movies, but I’m too busy watching other Tyler Perry movies to check on him. There’s no time. There’s never enough time. The second problem is the way that sentence is constructed. If a couple words were put in a different order, I would be on a sexual predator map of my neighborhood with some poor mother exclaiming, “that brown man feels children and likes it!” But on the bright side it would put me on a map and increase my probability of being recognized outside of the West Los Angeles 7-11 that I go to for the 99 cent Arizona Ice tea and stale Doritos every Friday.

Sanjay, What’s good my homie?!?!

Learned it from Madea.

I do go back and forth on whether I want to have kids or not. The main issue being a woman that would actually like me enough to let me father her under 6 foot brown (or half brown) baby, that may or may not be born with the brain capacity of a Stephen Hawking. I mean Stephen Hawking now, not quantum gravity and black hole theorizing Stephen Hawking, but Stephen Hawking nonetheless. The Hawk will always fly! Well, not anymore, but I’m sure back in the day he was soaring like an eagle or, um, hawk. Probably more hawk since that’s where I started this and that’s part of his name.

Some days when I’m walking through the local supermarket I see a kid and think “what a cute kid, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone look up to you all the time.” This thought is immediately erased by some terror coming around the corner, running into my knee, and ends with me writhing in pain and losing all of my Pizza for Ones I had in my basket.

Signs you are single at the supermarket

You shop with a basket and not a cart

You buy Pizza for One

Your shirt says, “Big Sexy”

I only do 2 of those 3 things. Ok, fine all 3, but that shirt was a present. Thanks mom. Worst Diwali Ever.

I like to think I’m pretty good around kids. I like to make them laugh, give them piggy back rides, make them go to the kitchen and grab me a soda when the game is on. The one issue with kids that makes me not want to have one is the way adults speak to them. Why is it that you never know if a parent is speaking to their child or a pet?

Sit down!

Leave grandma’s hemorrhoid cream alone!

Don’t touch that!

Don’t put that in your mouth!

Actually, I’m pretty sure parents of teenage girls are still saying that last one. That was an oral sex joke. Mouth sex! This bothers me to no end. No, not mouth sex that can be pretty cool, if done in the proper way for extreme…

It’s getting awkward.

Have you ever walked around and heard an adult saying those things out loud? You never know who they are talking to. A dog has feelings for god’s sakes! There’s no need to speak to it like it’s a child. The similarities between children and pets are astounding. You need to teach them how to poop. You have to tell them not to do things. You need to give them treats after they do something right. In the case of a child you give them a popsicle. With a dog, maybe a steak. I don’t know, I don’t have a dog, but that seems like a good enough treat. Some people treat pets as children. Or do they treat children as pets?

Mind? Blown.

So maybe all along, I never wanted a child. I just wanted a dog. When I saw that cute kid at Ralph’s I didn’t want it or a facsimile I actually wanted Lassie. I will pry that dog from Timmy’s cold dead hands if I have to. I know I can speak to it the same way.

I hope it doesn’t put anything in its mouth, though.

Madea never taught me about that.



  1. Junket said,

    You’ll be a good parent. Remember the kid trying to jump into the fountain at The Grove and you were all concerned and decided his parents failed? A guy who hates kids would have sat there and just watched it all go down in the hopes that he DID fall into the fountain so he could laugh.

    I’m pretty sure you secretly wanted that, though.

    Also, there is a beagle here with your name on it if you’d like to “dog sit” (originally spelled dog shit but then corrected) for a while. Don’t forget, he loves Gwen Stefani but he ain’t no hollaback dog.

    • Rahul said,

      Just because his parents failed didn’t mean I would have saved him. Humor is not mutually exclusive. Look at Chris Farley. Oh. Nevermind.

  2. Sid said,

    Ha. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who makes jokes about how my future kids are probably gonna turn out half brown. Actually I say off white, instead of half brown.

    • Rahul said,

      Halfsies! They’ll have the sickest white kid tans ever.

  3. Oliver said,

    I think I’m not gonna have kids. I probably have become infertile with all those toluene and potassium permanganate that always spill on my bare hands or… I’m probably dead by thirty years old because of cancer from inhaling too much bromine vapor or playing too much with benzene-containing pH indicators…

    Yes, I’m a chemist. (Getting there, actually. I major in chemistry and spend too much time in laboratories.)

    No, I’m not crazy.

    I like kids, though. You must like them, too. You must have one or two someday to be able to pass down your awesome humor to future generations.

    • Rahul said,

      I didn’t understand anything that was said in the 1st paragraph. I can’t read.

  4. lbluca77 said,

    Madea taught me how to pistol whip someone. Seriously, it was in one of her movies. I can’t wait to try it on someone.

    • Rahul said,

      I think that was “Big Momma’s house”. All large black women look the same to you! RACISM!

  5. Bradshaw said,

    Junket’s dog DOES love Gwen. Loves her.

    I have no other productive comment besides that.

    • Rahul said,

      Gwen Stefani is looking good nowadays. Probably has something to do with going B-A-N-A-N-A-S

  6. Sara said,

    A blogger who has the balls to make an oral sex joke about teenage girls?

    Sounds like my kind of guy!

    • Rahul said,

      I see what you did there. Balls. Oral Sex. I’m on to your games.

  7. laurenne said,

    Let’s never have kids… Not because of the fact that we’d have to treat them like dogs and watch their moves in the supermarket. More because if we do, we are at a very HIGH risk of becoming mommy/daddy bloggers.
    Single and bitter forever! But together. I’ll write up the pact contract.

    Let’s discuss this soon over Arizona iced teas and hemorrhoid cream at your earliest convenience.
    And can we also discuss how Junket Juice is your first commenter?
    First the movies and now this? So jealous.

    • Rahul said,

      Single and bitter together. Is that a box on the tax form? I hope I get a deduction out of that. We have a lot to discuss now. So many questions. So few answers. So little time.

      Thats the tagline of my sci-fi drama.

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