Dead People Dress Better

September 15, 2010 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

Today I was perusing the CNN.com, as I’m wont to do, reading all the inane stories that get publicized on that site. Tea Parties, Republican Parties, Keg Parties, Parties at Larry King’s funeral, everything is just one big Fiesta Forever. No Peace in the Middle East, BP is coating the oceans with Oil, and Anderson Cooper has a hair that’s out-of-place. As the late, great William Shakespeare once said,

Can’t turn a ho into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right.

Maybe that was Ludacris, I get them confused.

Aside: At what point do we stop referring to people who are dead as “late”? Is there a statute of limitations on this sort of thing? One week? One year? A decade? The other thing I never understood is why do we never say that murderers or people who do bad things that die are “late”? I’ve never heard Timothy McVeigh referred to as the “late” Timmy McVeigh. Or Hitler referred to as the “late” Hitler. Everytime I see McVeigh referenced he is usually called “A-hole” Timothy McVeigh. Not “Late, Sort of A-hole, but really a huge complete Penis Head” Timothy McVeigh. And another thing. These people aren’t late. They are expired. How did this phrase start anyways? ” Marie Antoinette is late! Is she adding a 95th curler into her hair, again?!?!” “Bro, she totally got beheaded today.” “Oh, guess she’s ‘LATE’ if ya know what I mean.” “I don’t.”

Let them eat cake, indeed.

Back to the CNN. As I was snooping around I saw that some girl in Oklahoma achieved a perfect score on the ACT, which is some kind of Non SAT, but still counts sort of thing for college. Who takes the ACT? Hell, if I know. I was always told the SAT was the be all end all for all college admissions test. I know what you are thinking and no, this girl who got the perfect score was not Indian or Asian, even though India is in Asia and we have to separate ourselves because the “man” doesn’t count Indians in the Asia population count. As my dad has repeatedly told me, “We are NOT Pacific Islanders! And we are not other! Be proud to be Indian!” Then I asked my dad what I should check because “proud to be Indian” is not an accepted box on any form and he grounded me. That was yesterday. I hate the long distance groundings, but you have to respect the dads, which is why I’m writing this in my room with no television for a week. Sorry J-Wow. As for this girl, she was white. In the history of upsets this has to rank right up there with a cow starting a huge fire and Dewey beating Truman.

Hold on. Dewey did NOT beat Truman?

This 1948 newspaper is ridiculously out of date.

While I was watching this video, I was taken back to a simpler time when I took the SAT. A perfect 1600 is what we all aimed for and not some cockamamie 2400 or 5200 or 97000 score that you have to get for perfection now. We didn’t have all these racial bias shenanigans or maybe we did, but I don’t remember because I usually just opened up the newspaper to the sports section, then the comics, then back to the sports section, and then the mini Parade magazine pull out on Sundays. Oh, look career advice from C. Thomas Howell. I better take notes. This was my excitement.

I remember when I took the SAT. The SAT was always administered on a Saturday and most kids dreaded going in on a Saturday because they couldn’t sleep in. Not I. No, I took this as a day we could do whatever we wanted to do since, hello, school is never open on a Saturday. We could dress how we want to dress. Be free with our Ticonderoga Number 2 pencils. TODAY WE LIVE! In joyous occasion of this day of school freedom, I wore what I always wanted to wear to school. I was going to show Principal Warner that I thumb my nose at his school policies and referendums on dress.

I wore basketball shorts and a basketball jersey.

Basically, I dressed as if a basketball game was going to break out right there in Room 322 and I was going to get called to go in. “Hey, there’s a break before the verbal section, I wish someone wore some basketball clothes so we could…wait..that kid did! Hooray! Now we have a 10th player!” In hindsight, I blame my mother for letting me go out like that. I have made some poor choices in my life. Women, jobs, women, clothes, women, but when I look back this was the absolute worst. Yes, even worse than wearing Zubaz. The teacher giving us the test made fun of me. My friends made fun of me. I think the janitor snickered. You think he, of all people, would respect a uniform. Didn’t these people know it was Saturday? They did?

I did not get a perfect score that day. I did not play basketball that day. I did not make any new friends that day. I did check Pacific Islander on the SAT box, though.

At least I wasn’t late.

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20 Comments

  1. Josey said,

    LOL, I’m actually of those that took the ACT. 🙂 In the midwest it’s really common – colleges don’t even require SATs, but they DO require the ACT.

    Thank God you weren’t late. Your Momma taught you well. I, on the other hand, came RUNNING in. Guess I should’ve dressed in my basketball jersey as well.

    • Rahul said,

      There’s a MIDwest? My mom didn’t teach me much except how to girlish giggle when Charlie Sheen is on TV

  2. Bradshaw said,

    Hey ho, how ya doin, where ya been? Probably doin ho stuff cuz there ya ho again.

    Also, I took the ACT as well. My best score came after the Homecoming football game the night before. Go figure.

    And finally, any time I visit my parents, I pull that Parade magazine out. That Marilyn chick is freaky smart.

    • Rahul said,

      Why does Parade always have the best advice? Probably because they have a whole week to think of their answers.

  3. Junket said,

    Funny. I don’t remember there being a Rahul in High School Musical 1, 2, or 3.

    I did okay on the SAT but I took the ASVAB (technical military exam in case you don’t know) to get out of class and scored higher than anyone in the school. Then again I got a “C” in home economics and an “A” in shop. Recruiters were calling my parents well into my mid twenties. Too bad for them I had dreams of being sarcastic and saving the world on my own terms. Suckas.

    Now that I think about it…this explains so much.

    • Rahul said,

      I was in the deleted DVD scenes of all of those. Cutting room floor. Dancing indians are reserved for Bollywood movies and funny You Tube Videos.

  4. MandyMoore said,

    That was actually Dr. Dre, Rahul. Chronic 2000. Jesus, I’m like more down with the homies than you are man!

    Where do you come up with this shit? I love it love it love it! Cali love from the East Coast, biatch!

    See you at our wedding in Vegas in May.

    • MandyMoore said,

      Ok, I stand corrected. It was Chronic 2001.

      Dre smoked a lot of chronic. What can I say?

    • Rahul said,

      That was definitely Ludacris. Even though he probably has done 2000 beats of Chronic.

  5. Mary said,

    I don’t get these crazy newfangled SATs either. Of course, I wanted to go to a state school in Texas and was top 10% so all I needed was a 1000 on the SAT. I did better than that, but I didn’t take any classes or “prep” in any way. I think I would have shot myself if I’d had to do that.

    • Rahul said,

      I took a Prep SAT class. All I got out of it was how to make an analogy between a a business suit and a tree.

  6. Hippest Snippets said,

    We’ve purchased every Ludacris album out there. Our favorite song is “Move Bitch”. Mainly because we’re always in a hurry and need people to kindly step to the side.

    Your blog is hilarious! We love it!

    • Rahul said,

      Thanks! You guys should quote me more. I’m stumping for popularity.

  7. LiLu said,

    All these silly people ACTing when they could have been SATting. Call me lazy, but I’m anti not sitting down. Also pants.

    • Rahul said,

      That would be a great rap lyric. ” Took an exam, had me ACTing, not SATing, keepin it real for the trans Ams.”

  8. laurenne said,

    Wait, you’re from Jersey.
    I thought trashy places like that used the ACT. I only took the ACT. I thought it’s because my town is trashier than the Jersey Shore. At least that’s how I wont think. Or something.

    Um, so, I hate when people talk about dead people with weird vernacular too. Especially when they say, ‘I lost my father in July.” Go fucking look for him then. Ooh, that’s good. I’mma put that on my blog.

    Also, i’m so glad you finally admitted it because I also get Shakespeare and Luda mixed up! Phew. Thought I was alone in that.

    Also, you’re a great writer. I’m glad hippest snippets noticed you in the comments.

    • Rahul said,

      I’ve lost my father plenty. Mostly at the Ikea when he falls asleep on the sectional couch section. He’s wont to do that.

      Or something.

  9. Courtney said,

    I’m kind of in love with the titles to your posts.

    Also? I totally took the ACT. Mostly because I was an over-achieving asshole and thought it would get me somewhere. It didn’t. It was a waste of another Saturday. Guidance couselors are the devil.

    Also, also, a friend of mine definitely just purchased some Zubaz. Like, last week.They’re geen and white. I’m terrified.

    One more thing: Shakespeare and Luda are clearlu one in the same. And apparently so is Dr. Dre. Reincarnation x3? I don’t know. Just go with it.

    • Rahul said,

      WHAT! Someone in this century purchased Zubaz? Where can you buy them? Um, not that I want any or anything. Just for reference.

      • Courtney said,

        Of course not. I mean, it’s always good to know where you can purchase things like this, you know, just in case someone is all, ‘Hey, Rahul, you don’t happen to know where I can purchase some Zubaz, do you?’ And you can be all, ‘As a matter of fact I do.’ And BOOM, you drop a knowledge bomb and make their life. Or something.

        My point is: I’m hanging out with the said friend tonight. I’ll ask where he found them.

        I’m clearly being the most productive employee ever in the history of ever right now.

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