Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Hurt Even Worse

September 21, 2010 at 12:01 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

We all have pet peeves. Of course, for the first 27 years of my life I thought the phrase “pet peeves” actually referred to something that you liked. I figured that if it had “pet” in the phrase that it must be a good thing and didn’t make my way to the second part of the phrase which include “peeves”. Who doesn’t like pets? Why would you even have an animal if you didn’t like it? So obviously “pet peeves” would be a joyous declaration of love and affection. “Don’t fret my pet.” This is what Steve Urkel used to say. He also used to say “Did I do that?” which is a sentence many Americans should probably be saying after they mess up the 400th project at their job they are not qualified for or after they have intercourse. Either way really. Regardless, he was using the term pet in a loving way. This is not a me problem, this is a problem with the people who created this ambiguous phrase that small brained people could not grasp.

It’s not me, It’s me.

After I figured out that the term pet peeve is something that annoys you, I realized that I have more than a couple of pet peeves. I’ve already mentioned some of them on this blog, but there always numerous little things that get under my skin. Here is a partial list of them. If you do any of these things please do not tell me because I do not want to lose any friends since I have a finite number of people who actually enjoy conversing with me.

Saying the phrase, “Happy Friday”
Blowing cigarette smoke in my face and then asking if it bothers me
Dogs that are not on leashes when out for walks
The person who wears pants at a pants off dance off party
Misusing the word “literally”

Listen, I’m no grammarian. I don’t know how to use a semicolon properly, whether you italicize a movie title or put it in quotes, or even what the word “grammarian” means. I’m pretty sure Kanye West has won plenty of Grammarians in his lifetime. But I do know how to use the word “literally” in the proper context. My main beef (I’m bringing this back to the early 90s Coastal rap feud. “I gots mad beefs with some crafty peeps ’cause I dropped them sick beats on some yellow beets. I was hungry, yo” I’m not sure exactly what happened there) is when journalists and people who have gone to, you know, SCHOOL don’t know how to use that word. I was watching the news the other day and heard this sentence.

Facebook has literally turned some kids into zombies.

WHAT?!?!

Run, everyone run. Do not look back, do not pass go, do not choose the thimble as your monopoly piece because you are trying to be an ironic hipster. There are children zombies everywhere! I’ve seen Michael Jackson videos, this does not end well for any of us. We’re all going to be singing and dancing and wearing hideous red leather jackets in no time. Facebook zombies have no respect for anyone and will soon be biting us and turning us into zombies that leave lame status updates and make us “fans” of Bill Bellamy. The future is now!

I have one thing to say to that newscaster.

Go to hell.

No, seriously, go there. Go down to hades, shake the hand of Beelzebub and stay there. While you’re there how about getting a dictionary and reading it if it doesn’t burst into flames when you open it. How do you not know how to use the word “literally” properly? We all know people should be saying “figuratively” instead of literally since literally means that it WILL happen. Is this so hard to grasp? I guess it is since the people telling us about world affairs don’t have the foggiest notion how to use it correctly. I’m not talking about people using “literally” sarcastically since there are people who do that. I’m talking about stone cold journalists and writers. Right now in the office, ESPN is on the TV in the lobby. ESPN is stupid, but I’m sure this is the smartest thing ever said on the network.

“It is literally sudden death overtime”

Sweet love of Chuck E. Cheese.

I wasn’t planning on seeing a live execution of a sports team on national TV today, but I can go along with it. There’s a first time for everything. I think the better move would be for the field to just open up into a pit of crocodiles and once one team wins the losing team just falls to their bloody death right there. That’s about as sudden death is going to get.

I, literally, will become Urkel if that happens.

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18 Comments

  1. Josey said,

    LOL. I cannot stand “happy Friday’ either, but I have never been to a pants off dance party. Must be an L.A. thing, literally. 😉

    • Rahul said,

      Well then you must go. There are no pants anywhere! Unless said jerks are wearing pants.

  2. lbluca77 said,

    I literally could kill you for not inviting me to pants off dance off party. Or is it figuratively?

    I hate when anyone says “Happy *insert day of the week*” Hello, the days of the week happen every week. It’s not like saying Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays. Those things don’t happen every week, but Friday does.

    • Rahul said,

      My birthday is every day baby. It’s not, but I feel like this is what Jesus Christ or some religious equivalent would say.

  3. Sara said,

    This was literary gold.

    Literally.

  4. nova said,

    Holy shit, I can’t believe that was on the news! How awful.

    I was wondering if you could explain the Pants-off Dance-off party etiquette, as I’ve never even heard of such a thing before and wouldn’t want to commit a grave faux pas.

    • Rahul said,

      It’s easy. No pants. Then you dance. The description is the name. Sort of like the Heimlich, but not really.

  5. Tux said,

    Good stuff.
    I read this earlier today and when I read your piece I knew you’d appreciate it:
    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

    • Rahul said,

      I like oatmeal. I eat it every morn. Then I go outside and my pants are torn. I just wanted to rhyme it. The Oatmeal is hilarious though.

  6. Oliver said,

    I am literally loving your blog everytime I visit! =]

    Now why does this comment form underline everytime like it’s asdfghjk? How do you spell ‘everytime,’ grammarian?

    Literally baffled.

    • Rahul said,

      I have no idea how to spell anything. In fact, are any of these words spelled right? I can’t see.

  7. laurenne said,

    I ALWAYS call people out on that one. So annoying. Looks like we’re again peeved about the same pet, who is not cute at all but very ugly and literally a floating clown. Literally.

    I’m gonna lend a helping gramarian hand to your friend Oliver here: ‘Everytime’ is literally spelled ‘every time.’ You know, because it’s two words and all.

    Love you like a cigarette smoke blower with beef.

    • Rahul said,

      Now we know why we’re friends. We both dislike pettish peeving. And clowns. Or something. You’ll always be my senior grammarian. Cigarette smoke blowers for all? Sure, why not.

  8. 10firstdates said,

    Two things:

    Pants off dance off parties are only the best parties ever. No pants required? Half the time to get ready – FTW.

    And I love that you said “foggiest notion”. It reminds me of me Grand Uncle Bob from Ye ol’ England

    • Rahul said,

      I didn’t think about the getting ready time. It’s decided. Every party will be pants off. Imagine the discounts! We’ll eat toblerone and talk about chips, but really mean fries.

  9. Ask Alice said,

    PS that comment ^ above ^ was me – long story – just go with it

    • Rahul said,

      Already with it. To prove it, I bought this hula hoop.

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