Lying is the Most Funny a Funny Person Can Have

October 8, 2010 at 11:24 am (Uncategorized)

(RETRO ALERT)

I’m not going to lie, I hate liars.

Ok, that was a lie.

Oh, no. I’ve become what I always feared.

Let’s be serious, we all lie. Even politicians. And when politicians are lying what choice do each and every one of us have? I mean, the former governor of New Jersey was a man who liked men (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but had a wife and kids. He was lying to his family. Of course, with that kind of role model I had to lie too. So when my parents asked me if I mowed the lawn, I, of course, said yes. Then they looked at the window and saw that the grass was knee-high.

Mom- “No you didn’t.”
Me- “Sure did moms.”
Mom- “The grass is still tall!”
Me- “But I did it. Maybe the lawnmower is broken.”
Mom- “Why are you lying?”
Me- “Mom, our government officials are lying to all of us. We must LIE TO SURVIVE!”
Mom – “You’re dumb.”

I’m going to throw this out there and it may make some of you angry, but people who don’t lie or that are “honest” all the time are un-funny people. That’s right I said it. Lying makes you funny. It’s true. It’s in google.

You all may remember Abe Lincoln as our 16th President. If you do, then you are old. If you don’t, then you know him as that dude in pictures that always had a beard, wore a bow tie and is so lazy that he just sits all the time in Washington D.C. And something about freeing slaves and such. Anyways, people called him “Honest Abe” because he was honest. In fact by doing some research I have come across Abraham Lincoln’s famous knock knock joke of 1862.

Abe- “Knock Knock”
Random person – “Who’s there?”
Abe- “Abraham Lincoln”
Random – “Abraham Lincoln who?”
Abe- “I’m Abraham Lincoln and I have a beard. I am the 16th President of the United States. Why would I lie about that?”
Random person- “that’s it?”
Abe- “That’s the joke.”

See not funny. If that doesn’t convince you then nothing will.

People have been lying for weeks. Wait, hold on, I’m being told people have been lying for centuries. Is this true? I have lost faith in mankind. The reason I bring up this whole lying thing is that the past couple of weeks I’ve been watching some advertisements on the television, aka boob tube, aka idiot box, aka awesomesquare.

By the way awesomesquare is officially trademarked. Suck it.

We’ve all seen the “I’m a PC, I’m a Mac” ads. The Mac guy is hip and cool and has been in movies such as Accepted and Die Hard 72 and makes out with hot chicks. The PC guy is a big nerd with glasses that makes jokes on the Daily Show. I totally get what they’re trying to say.

Macs make you famous. PCs make you nerdy and funny like Weird Al and you have to learn to play accordion.

Got it.

I guess PC (Windows) has had enough of getting destroyed by Apple in the Apple advertisements, so about 5 years after the fact they came out with ads with people stating “I’m a PC”. Way to be on time PC. Imagine if I made fun of someone and they came back with something years later?

Me- “you smell.”

5 years later

Friend – “You smell.”
Me- “What? Why would you say that?”
Friend- “You told me I smell 5 years ago.”
Me- “I’ve forgotten to care.”

I’m watching this ad and not caring about anyone when out of nowhere a celebrity pops up and declares, “I’m a PC”. I know that person! I know that person! That person? Pharell Williams. You may know him as Pharell from the Neptunes or Pharell from N.E.R.D. At this point I realized something.

Pharell lied.

There is no possible way Pharell is a PC. He is a record producer. Out of all the record producers (2) I’ve met, none have been PC users. They all use a Mac because it’s much easier to cut and mix your sound with a Mac. There is no doubt about that. Why would he lie? I’m sure Pharell has some big time money, there’s no reason to be telling these falsitudes. Pharell saying he’s a PC is like Dr. Phil endorsing Supercuts, Chris Farley endorsing treadmills, or Kate Moss endorsing cocaine. It’s all a lie.

Well except that last one.

She’s ridin’ dirty.

I was devastated. Pharell? Really? What about all those songs. Remember when you told me “No one Ever Really Dies?” That was a lie. We all die. We’re going to die. I’m depressed, now. I believed we were immortal. Remember when you said you were “just frontin”? You weren’t. That was the true you. And remember when you told me “I’m you’re favorite girl?” I just checked. I’m not even a girl. All LIES.

Abe Lincoln is probably a MAC.

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6 Comments

  1. laurenne said,

    Firrrrrst! YEs. Finally. I am a first.

    I’ve actually been meaning to tell you that you smell from that conversation we had at that Indian restaurant.
    And… um… since I am in advertising, I have to thank you for catching on because I’ve been feeling bad for lying to everybody for quite some time. As long as you know it’s all lies, then I feel better.

    Jessica Simpson, Diddy, and Katy Perry: none of ’em used Proactiv. All of ’em got a million bucks. LIES.

    • Rahul said,

      Katy Perry doesn’t?!!? Now I am heartbroken. How do they do those before pictures? TV MAGIC.

  2. Oliver said,

    I laughed at your conversation with your mom! HAHAHA. XD

    And we all lie because everyone likes being funny. Look at what Abraham Lincoln, not funny, came up with by being honest: a knock-knock failure. But I thought knock-knock failures were hilarious. I live in a world of lies.

    Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

    PANIC! AT THE DISCO!!! YEAH!!! =]

    • Rahul said,

      also that line is from “Closer” but also Panic of the Disco which rules. Virtual high five!

  3. Ask Alice said,

    EVEN politicians? More like ESPECIALLY politicians.

    It’s my dream job.

  4. Brooke Farmer said,

    By far my favorite post you’ve ever done on lying! Of course, I haven’t read that many posts you wrote about lying, but I am sure this isn’t the first. I am also sure that I have been pre-gaming for my night out in an I’m-unemployed-money-saving-effort for at least a couple hours. So maybe all that laughing that made my brother look at me in wonder at how I could even be reading a computer screen in my current state is a moot point.

    Still. I thought it was funny. And at least most of this comment was spelled correctly and grammatically acceptable. (Thanks to my mac.) So I am clearly not just drunk. Which makes you definitively just funny.

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