Ain’t No Party Like a Rescue Party Cause a Rescue Party Loves Dressing Up

October 13, 2010 at 11:55 am (Uncategorized) ()

Let us all rejoice. Starting last night, the 33 miners that were stuck in a mine in Chile were being saved one by one by a contraption that looks eerily similar to one of those capsules that we all saw in The Jetsons. When I was watching it yesterday I expected them to get to the surface and be greeted by a “Ruh Roh” and maybe a robot maid. But, definitely, not Mr. Cosmo G. Spacely because that guy was a nickname for “Richard.” Everyone around the world is happy that all these guys are alive and can’t wait for the movie in 2012 starring Gael Garcia Bernal as a depressed miner that is thinking of taking his own life because he has enormous debt and a wife that is going to leave him only to have a mine collapse, but he comes out with 32 new friends and a new lease on life that shows, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. From the directors of “Mr. Holland’s Opus” and the casting agents of “Monster In- Law” comes a true story of one man overcoming his flaws and a group of men overcoming their fears. Coming during Christmas of 2012 it is….

A Miner Inconvenience.

So everyone is happy. The miners are happy because they are out. The families are happy because they get to see their loved ones after 2 months. The TV stations are happy because they can run this continually for the next 13 hours and we can stare at Anderson Cooper’s sexy hair instead of telling us about the newest British related disaster in the water. I’m not happy for any of those reasons. No, I am happy for these guys for one reason and one reason only.

They get to celebrate Halloween.

It’s the most glorious adult holiday in all the land. Men get to wear superhero outfits out of the house without hearing “Captain America night, again?” from the parents they live with. Women get to turn everything into the most revealing outfit ever. Slutty Mother Theresa, come on down! We’ve got hoes in all kinds of places with a 3 digit prefix for a 7 digit telephone number. West Hollywood turns into a den of sin and nudity for one crazy night as opposed to the other 364 insane ones. Sure, sure there are kids that all go trick or treating and collect “candy” and have “fun”, but who cares about them? This is about us adults getting to dress up for one day of our pathetic lives and pretending to be someone else that was infinitely cooler or more famous than us. “Who are you going to be for Halloween?” is thrown around the office more than a sexually charged remark immediately followed by “I’m kidding.”

Human Resources is the worst costume ever.

The only problem with Halloween is that my costume choices are limited. Since I’m a brown person I am automatically ruled out of being any kind of white person. Brad Pitt, out. George Clooney, out. Screech Powers, out. Why, god, Why? When I was 13 I wanted to be a vampire for Halloween. Have you ever seen a brown vampire? I haven’t, even though you think they would be more popular because we could just blend in with the night and then jump out at you to suck your blood, or make teenage romance novels or whatever it is vampires do. My mother doused me with white makeup or as much white makeup we had because the do-it-yourself vampire kit wasn’t equipped to handle 5 feet of brown skin. After about an hour, instead of looking like a scary vampire, I looked like a sad zebra. But I got some Butterfingers that night that I wasn’t allowed to eat without being inspected for razorblades and Rohypnol and that’s all that matters. On the other hand, Halloween is the best time to be an Indian person because we get to be the one thing that all Indian people want to be at one time in their lives.

A black person.

Indian people love meeting cool black people. Usually Indians call them, “my man” as in “What is going on Daryl, My man!” followed by one of those hearty Indian laughs like we just got one over on them. Go to a 7-11, you’ll see what I mean. (Aside: not that everyone named Daryl is black because Daryl Hannah is white and a woman which is one of the biggest shocks when it comes to names of all time. That’s like someone named Sanjay Kumar Akbar being Chinese and a transgender.) Ever since college instead of trying to go the “white man” route, I’ve turned it around and gone towards the cooler people on the planet. I’ve been Flavor Flav, Rick James, Don King, and a pro basketball player because there are no white people in the NBA. Wait, I’m being told that there are. Interesting. I will have to research. For one glorious day, we are cool!

Oh wait, 2 days. People love Diwali even if they have no clue what it is.

This year I will be going again as one of my brown skinned brothers. Sure, some iconic costumes are ruled out like Superman or Captain Jack Sparrow, but we’ll always have early 90s rap moguls. Halloween is our time to shine. No more curry jokes and gas station punchlines. No, today is our Independence Day! Well, not today, but Halloween is our Independence Day. That phrase doesn’t work as well, though, and phrases are all about being remembered like that “One small step” thing that guy once said. So, I would like to thank black people for being cooler than us and for letting us be you for this one day. In appreciation you guys can totally be Apu or Gandhi or that kid from Slumdog Millionaire on Halloween. Or really the rest of your lives if you so choose. We don’t mind.

Chilean Miners, welcome to Halloween. Gael Garcia Bernal outfits are optional.

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13 Comments

  1. sarcasmically said,

    I think you could also pull off a wicked LL Cool J, but make sure you stock up on Chapstick, because whoa, your lips will be sore from all the licking.

    On another note, I have a shameful confession– I’ve never ever celebrated Halloween as an adult. Actually, since I was 6. I won’t get into why but this Halloween I’m going to do adulty things and I would like to have a costume that is badass (not just slutty, although partially slutty is OK) and it seems you’re great at costume ideas (Flava Flav!), so HELP ME. I’m white though. Maybe you won’t know what to do with that.

    • Rahul said,

      Ladies Love Cool something something. You have so many options for Halloween. I suggest Small Wonder or some 80s character. Rainbow Bright!

  2. Sid said,

    I can’t wait for the movie “A miner inconvenience”. It sounds awesome.

    I’ve decided to dress up as a slutty doctor this year.

    • Rahul said,

      That name is copyrighted, don’t go getting ideas. Aren’t all doctors slutty? I’ve seen ER.

  3. lexa said,

    This year I am acting as if Halloween is not happening. I am over it and I dress like a slut enough in every day life.

    • Rahul said,

      So you’re saying every day is your Halloween? Fair enough. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CANDY?!?!

  4. nova said,

    I love Diwali because I saw it on The Office.

    • Rahul said,

      The Office. Continuing American Education on other cultures since 2005.

  5. laurenne said,

    So timely.
    So appropriate.
    So genius.

    If you don’t get on this screenplay and sell the shit out of it and buy us a boat, I will never talk to you again. Until Diwali.

    Totally agree on the Daryl. I mean, does anyone really call her Daryl? They have to always say her last name for it to even sound ok. I bet in bed her man screams, “Oh Daryl Hanna.” He cannot just scream Darryl.

    • Rahul said,

      Genius!?!!? Your check is in the mail. Daryl is like that model James King. James for a woman? Anti-aphrodisiac.

  6. nicopolitan said,

    You know, “sad zebra” isn’t a bad idea for a Halloween costume – it’s like Lion King and Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh rolled into one. You’d have to go all-zebra from the get-go, though.

    • Rahul said,

      That would be a whole lot of zebra going on. hopefully it doesn’t look like sad skunk though.

  7. Brooke Farmer said,

    Wasn’t the movie Blade about a black vampire? Or half vampire? Something like that, I think.

    There are white people in the NBA. But most of them suck. Except Larry Bird. He was pretty cool aside from the fact that he was born without a personality. But mad skills on the court.

    And the Celtics have that new Turkish dude. I can’t think of his name right now and haven’t decided whether I like him or not.

    Oh yeah. And Gasol. Gassol?

    I did something revolutionary this year and did not dress up as a slut for Halloween. (I was feeling very lazy.)

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