New Jerseys For the Jersey Shore Would Be Better

October 27, 2010 at 11:43 am (Uncategorized)

For all intents and purposes I despised everything about high school. Even though I was on the baseball and football teams I had a limited amount of friends due to my love of Dave Barry columns and AM radio. If anyone knows a 15 year old kid that reads humor columns from a guy not based in his own newspaper and listens to voices from a box talk about home refinancing at 4:30 in the afternoon, let me know. I would like to be that kid’s MySpace friend and tell him that he will not be having the sex anytime soon.

Abstinence is not in any teen’s Top 8.

Needless to say since I didn’t have any of the cool crowd guiding me in things such as “talking to girls” or “pointing at nerds”, I also didn’t have anyone to tell me how to dress cool. Because of this my outfits consisted of my mom’s fashion choices from Sears (clearance bin!) and anything I saw on TV. When I was in high school I watched sports on TV since I participated in them. That automatically meant my high school wardrobe was made up of sports jerseys and something called Zubaz. If you don’t know Zubaz the only way to describe it is this. Think of the worst design in your life. Then put it into Zebra form. Then wear it.

In high school, I thought my vintage Joe Montana Kansas City Chiefs jersey was pretty rad. I thought all the kids were looking at me and saying “Hey Joe Montana was a San Francisco 49er! This kid is going against the man! Let’s be best friends!” When, in reality, they were talking about how I got a spaghetti stain on the numbers on the back of the jersey since that defied all laws of physics and personal hygiene.

E= M.C.U.R.A. Slob.

Physics Quips.

Looking back it seemed perfectly acceptable to be wearing my condiment infested sports jerseys to school to support my favorite players. I like sports. I like clothes. Let’s do this. The older I get though, the more that one thought keeps creeping back in my head about sports paraphernalia and sports jerseys in particular.
It’s the dumbest thing ever.

Now, I’m not saying I automatically despise anyone that wears one out or likes to support their team. I get it. What I don’t understand is when did it become perfectly acceptable to wear the same outfit of someone that’s giving you entertainment? Think about it, every day in stadiums across the country people are going to games and rooting for sports heroes that have used capitalism to their benefit and go the games wearing the jerseys of the home team. Go to a Laker game and see 12,000 people wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey. Go to Yankee game and see fans in Derek Jeter uniforms. Go to a Clipper game and you’ll be the only one there. The sports jersey has become synonymous with an outing at the arena or stadium. Grown men with children are wearing jerseys of players that are half their age. Where is the line drawn?

I draw it at the $5 bag of skittles. Rainbows shouldn’t cost that much.

Only in sports is wearing the same clothes as the participants not only welcome, it is encouraged. When I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 in the movie theater I didn’t see 400 people in Captain Jack Sparrow outfits. No, I saw one. And that one person was ridiculed by the other 399 paying patrons for dressing like someone in a movie. That one person may or may not have caused a popcorn throwing incident that was fueled by a violent mix of hatred for Davy Jones and the sugar rush of Sour Patch Kids that went to my brain. When people go to concerts I don’t see anyone looking like Buckethead from Guns and Roses and thrashing along wildly to the music. (Aside: this reference would have made more sense in circa 1989 since Guns and Roses are societally irrelevant at this stage in American pop culture. In hindsight, I should have gone with a Miley Cyrus or schoolgirl Britney Spears to bring the metaphor to this century. In my defense, Appetite for Destruction got me through many a painful night of eating cereal for dinner and watching Jeopardy on mute.)

At some point people decided that wearing the jersey of the participants would be so amazing that we should do it, yet no one walks around with an Abe Lincoln top hat or grays their hair to look like Bill Clinton. Aren’t these people more important than someone that throws a round ball through a cylindrical object which has twine hanging from it? Apparently not. The highest form of flattery for a player is someone wearing their jersey. It shows they are popular and most likely very good at their craft. I think it’s high time we honored some of the other world greats in the same fashion. We should all be wearing Saris to honor Mother Teresa. Let’s all put crazy wigs on for Einstein. And if we’re feeling bold next Thursday we’ll all wear suspenders for Steve Urkel for showing us how to do that dance.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo got no respect.

So let’s show the sports world that we can support some other people in other mediums. One time this guy that was running for something or other used the catchphrase, “Yes We Can.” I’m pretty sure he was referring to this movement. Our adoration doesn’t have to be for sports anymore.

I’ll be wearing my Dave Barry uniform tomorrow.



  1. lexa said,

    Well, you do see people wearing band t-shirts at concerts. That always shocks me. I thought it was pretty well known that this isn’t “cool”…whatever cool is.

    • Rahul said,

      But they don’t dress like the band. Well, one time I saw someone being a jerk at a Metallica show. I guess that was his Lars costume.

  2. Bradshaw said,

    What does a quantum duck say?

    Quark quark.

    There….more physics humor for you.

    • Rahul said,

      I like it. I’m going to write it down and not tell anyone. Street cred.

  3. Katrina said,

    I’ve worn Band t-shirts to shows… but that’s because I want the band to sign it, and I dont much care what people think of me.

    I love it when people who don’t know anything, or care, about sports wear jerseys. I especially liked it when right after the Sox won the 04 series, everyone went out and bought Damon jerseys. And then he walked… and people still wore them. Like it wasn’t the greatest insult imaginable. They should have burned them. Burned them and peed on the ashes.

    But I digress. I have two jerseys. I wear them. Usually on laundry day, though. When I go to games, I like to dress up like the mascot.

    • Rahul said,

      The mascot would be better. I like to go to games and look like Mr. Rogers. Only arrested twice.

  4. Sara said,

    I love this post so much that I put you on my random button. I would give you a prize or something, but that stupid ass random button is really all I’ve got.

  5. Matt said,

    What is a Los Angeles Clipper? Are there alot of clippers in LA?

  6. laurenne said,

    Oh shit. I really didn’t comment on this one yet, and it’s one of my fav-O-rites.
    Worst blog commenter ever: me
    Best blog commenter ever: you

  7. laurenne said,

    You wouldn’t be cool now if you didn’t have a pair then.
    It’s just a rule.

    Also, nice aside. I hear you on the silent Jeopardy watching.
    And Wheel of Fortune.
    And Matlock.

    What’s that, Grams? You need your prunes? And Dave Barry’s on the radio? Gotta go…

    • Rahul said,

      I watch Jeopardy and actually put the answers into question form. By myself. Who is Abe Lincoln?!?! No really, I’m asking. Is he famous?

  8. laurenne said,

    See how I did that? Now you have 2 comments from me.
    Oh wait, make it three.

    • Rahul said,

      3 replies from me! Boom. Double Boom. Boom a Boom. Or something.

  9. LiLu said,

    “Think of the worst design in your life. Then put it into Zebra form. Then wear it.”


    Like this?

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