Andy’s Dandy Famous Promises Haven’t Come True

November 2, 2010 at 11:49 am (Uncategorized) ()


We all want our 15 minutes of fame. To be fair Andy Warhol promised me a quarter-hour of famousity in 1968 and I have yet to get it. It makes me wonder why he picked 15 minutes as the limit to someone’s fame. Why not 30 minutes? That’s nice and easy and is half of an hour. You would think people would be able to relate to that sort of time frame. Why not a whole hour? Is that too long and preposterous that someone could be famous for an entire hour? Only Andy Warhol knows the answer to this and, unfortunately, he is not, how you say, above ground at this moment. Must be nice to be famous and not have to answer any pressing questions.

Seriously, what DOES love have to with anything?

Answers being accepted.

People that are famous now will most likely be famous for longer than Warhol’s time frame. The running joke is “(insert celebrity)‘s clock is at 14:58, 14:59” and somehow that clock never runs out. The Situation, I’m looking in your direction. Because of the Internet and Social Media everyone hangs on to fame longer than they used to. No one leaves our collective conscience at all because TMZ won’t let them leave, which is fine with me. I like seeing washed up stars make fools out of themselves in places I will never be at with more money than I can ever count. It makes me feel like my life has been such a failure that I should be taking the money that I do have and shoving it up my nose in powder form for that sweet, sweet high.

Heard that once.

Since my celebrity clock hasn’t started yet, I’ve been thinking about who are the most famous people in the world. Of course, we have our David Beckhams, Brad Pitts, that one that’s married to Brad Pitt and that other one that’s married to David Beckham. Oh, we also have this Obama character and the one that makes the computers and such, and the Ruler of the Free World, Oprah. WE’RE GIVING AWAY A FREE CAR!!!!! Sure, sure these people are very famous and well-known. Traffic would probably stop and people would throw their first borns to them with no regard for human life just to touch their velvety skin. These people are famous, but are they the MOST famous? No. There’s only one way to know the most famous person in the world.

You see, Movies do this thing when they’re telling you who is in the film and especially in the previews. (Aside: I generally don’t like previews because they lengthen the movie watching experience and I have people to see and couches to sit on. I know. The previews are the best part! If that was the case everyone would be walking out of the movie theater right before the little Coca Cola Ad and “turn your cell phone off PSA” the theater runs. When I saw The Town I didn’t hear anyone say, “Man, should have left after the Due Date preview. That preview was worth $12.50. Suck it Affleck.”). What they do is run the 2 minute preview, they tell you who is starring in the movie, and then at the end they drop a big “AND”. To me the “and” or “guest starring” credit is always the biggest because it’s the last name you see.

For example. “This summer, Paul Walker (shot of Paul Walker), Clive Owen (Shot of Clive Owen), Jennifer Lopez (shot of J-Lo), Nipsey Russell (Stock footage. RIP.) AND…” It is at this point I get so excited about who this could possibly be. Oh goodness gracious, I hope it’s Christian Bale, no, no Ed Norton, yeah he would be better. What if it’s, gasp, Anne Hathaway?!!? Oh god. Then they reveal who it is…

Queen Latifah.

IT’S ALWAYS QUEEN LATIFAH.

Now I’m not exactly sure when Queen Latifah became this person that gets the greatest credit in movie previews, but she always does. I’ve never seen a preview that says” Queen Latifah and Verne Troyer will guffaw it up this Christmas with ‘Little Beauty Shop of Horrors.’” No, the Queen always gets the coveted last spot. This is an amazing phenomenon that no one has unearthed. Hollywood has decided for everyone that Queen Latifah’s name carries a lot of pull in previews.

Her first choice when changing names? Princess Poindexter.

Now I know some of you are saying, “Queen Latifah?!!? She isn’t even a descendant of the throne. This is poppycock and schadenfreude!” To that I would say, I think you used schadenfreude improperly. Queen Latifah is pretty well-known in our culture. I mean this is a woman who once rapped, “I punched him dead in his eye and said, who you calling a bitch?!!?” That is how you bring back U.N.I.T.Y. By punching people in the eye. You go girlfriend. He wasn’t all that and no need for him to get all up in you and your homegirls’ biznass. Nuh, uh. No one messes with the Queen!

Read all of that on Urban dictionary.

When you’re having a discussion with your friends about celebrities you can play the Queen Latifah card. People will call you crazy. They will make fun of you. You probably will lose 83 percent of the people you call “friends.” But know this. You are right. Queen Latifah is our generation’s biggest and brightest star. Remember when you’re at the movies and they drop in the previews that if they throw an “AND” in there, it has a 97 percent probability of being Queen Latifah. The other 3 percent of the time it’s Whoopi Goldberg. That’s just the way it’s going to be.

Andy Warhol never saw it coming.

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5 Comments

  1. Bradshaw said,

    Drake once said “my fifteen minutes started an hour ago.”

  2. Sara said,

    On TV shows, it always confuses me to see “special appearance by” when the person is in almost every fucking episode. Shouldn’t appearance mean not that often? What the hell? Unless it’s Queen Latifah we’re talking about, then that’s pretty legit. She can do whatever she wants.

  3. laurenne said,

    I haven’t had time to read this thoroughly yet because I am a horrible friend. But I thought I’d comment anyway because you deserve a gazillion comments. That chick with the gay son is at 17,000 comments. What the fuck? We need 17,000 comments. I won’t rest until we get them.
    Ok, back to work.
    Love you!

  4. laurenne said,

    Ok… I just peed, came back, and that blog was still up on my screen. 18,000 comments.
    A whole thousand in just the time to pee.
    So.
    Not.
    Fair.
    Our day will come, dammit. Our day will come.
    Seriously, now back to work. FUCKING ADVERTISING.

  5. Blessie said,

    Queen latifah cares enough about my skin to provide me with my own special makeup collection. And for that alone, I believe she deserves every “AND” in the previews.

    But Whopie? gurllll… youz be doin nutin 2 deserve dat.

    Also, look up on urban dictionary.

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