Are Humans Out of This World? A Space Investigation.

November 23, 2010 at 4:13 pm (Uncategorized)

I like ALF.

Now, if you were born in the late 1980s or, shudder, the early 1990s you probably have no idea who this ALF character is. I’ll be brief in my description. ALF stood for Alien Life Form, was from a fictional planet named Melmac, liked to eat cats, was 230 years old, annoyed the ever-loving hell out of Willie the dad, and made life more enjoyable for all of us on NBC from 8-830pm on Mondays. Oh, and he looked like this.

When I was growing up I used to have an ALF lunchbox, a big nose, and tried eating my neighbor’s cats. I still contend that the show is one the few rewatchable 80s shows since the humor isn’t someone saying “Did I do that?!?!” or dropping in a “Whoa!” followed by 35 seconds of piped in laugh track. Who laughs at someone saying “Whoa”, anyways? I’ll tell you who. People with big hair, rainbow tights and a date on Saturday night to go watch Days of Thunder at the Cineplex Odeon 4 in East Brunswick, New Jersey. No, not ALF with his grown up humor and girlfriend named Rhonda, he was a cultural icon. He was my idol. He was an ALIEN.

We should have been brothers.

You see, I love pop culture. Now some people say they love pop culture, but I’m infatuated with it. I know what’s happening on the newest episode of Community. I’ve read every TMZ story since February 2010. I’ve downloaded the top 10 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 chart illegally. It’s happened. It’s for this reason I have no friends, but that’s a trade-off you have to make when you’re trying to drop an Oksana Grigorieva reference in an e-mail to a co-worker that they won’t understand. I’m plugged in to the WORLD!

Some guy named BP did what to Mexican Golf? Oil spills?!?!?

Back to ALF. So ALF was an alien, but he didn’t look like all the other aliens that have been featured throughout history. ALF looked more like a mini Chewbacca rather than a mal nourished green version of Salman Rushdie. This got me to thinking about why people say certain people “look like aliens.” Every time someone says that they are inevitably talking about someone with a big head and skinny body that says things like “Beep, Ork, Ark, Werf.” Why is it that we never call someone an alien when they’re really hairy? I’ll tell you why.

Hollywood.

At some point the movie and TV people all got together and decided to brainwash people into thinking that all aliens are little green men from Mars that have wires coming out of their head. I did some quick research on the Internet Machine and found out the number of people who have pictures of aliens or life forms from other countries. I was totally and utterly shocked when I saw the number.

Zero.

That’s right; there is not one documented photograph online of a person not from Earth aka an alien. Not one! I couldn’t believe it considering I’ve seen Independence Day, ET, Marvin the Martian, and saw Jeff Goldblum once in person. Why can’t people from other planets look like us? Why do they always have to look weird and gross and green? It doesn’t make any sense except to scare the crap out of us. Just think there could be someone on Jupiter who looks just like you. They would be classified as an alien. They eat cereal just like you. They drink red wine just like you. They pick their nose and wipe the booger under the company provided desk just like you.

I know you do it.

As humans we all look and act differently, yet according to the entertainment world all aliens act and look the same. Then we have to go calling frail people with big heads aliens. Sure some writers and directors go off the beaten path and say aliens look like Robin Williams (Mork) and blue people (Avatar), but the majority of the time they ride bikes and eat Reese’s Pieces. Well, it’s time to put a stop to this. Next time I see a hairy person I’m calling them an alien. Next time I see a tall person? Alien. Next time I see my boss? Alien. Anyone that says, “Whoa”? Alien.

Finally, ALF has gotten his comeuppance.

Advertisements

13 Comments

  1. Brooke Farmer said,

    ET has as much in common with ALF as he does the typical tall, skinny, oval headed green alien. More, actually. I feel you have misused the reference.

    But Mork is my favorite. I used to live a block away from where it was filmed and I was obsessed with watching Nick at Nite reruns so I could see my neighborhood on TV.

    That was before I lived in Hollywood. Now I don’t watch TV at all. Which is why I appreciate the fact that most of your television/movie references here are all so outdated that I actually have some idea what you are talking about,

    You are Mr. PopCulture. I am still trying to figure out who the hell Kim Kardashian is and what she is famous for. I have no idea. Maybe you can send me the TMZ artical that sums her up. I appreciate it. Thanks.

    • Rahul said,

      No way. ET was skinny and creepy. ALF is furry and lovable. Maybe you and my Dad should watch Nick at Nite together. As long as you like Gunsmoke.

  2. JenBetweenDots said,

    I have a picture of an alien. I’ll sell it to you for i.9 million dollars if you want?

    • JenBetweenDots said,

      erm, that’s 1.9 million. I’m not sure the value of “i.9”

      • Rahul said,

        That was a very “Apple” saying of you. YOU’VE BEEN TAKEN BY ALIENS. MAINLY STEVE JOBS. I’m sending help.

  3. laurenne said,

    Umm…. my boogers go behind the couch. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    And I HATED ALF growing up. HATED. Thought the humor was dumb. Yep, my 10-year-old brain thought it was just too smart for that dumb show. Eating cats was not funny. And I don’t even like cats.

    But… if you think it’s funny, then, well.. I guess that means we should never talk again.

    Gotta go. Family Matters is on.

    • Rahul said,

      Well it was a good run for us. Have fun on the flip side. Your life will be AT LEAST .04 percent less enjoyable now.

  4. Katrina said,

    I had an Alf puppet. No lie, dude. I wish I knew where it was… Then again, most of my friends were born after 1985 and would have no idea why I had this brown furry thing on my hand.
    …I forgot why that’s a bad thing.

    • Rahul said,

      I would like to buy your ALF puppet.

  5. ClevelandPoet said,

    I still have those little Alf dolls they sold at Burger King back then. Loved that show. There was a dude who would come on the bus and randomly (so I believed) at people on the bus “You’re an alien!” or “A being from outer space.” I thought he was crazy but starting to think perhaps he just had a way of seeing through to their alien core.

    the invasion will begin soon!

    • Rahul said,

      Only one man can save us now. Will Smith.

  6. Brooke Farmer said,

    I am very disappointed with this situation. I very specifically requested you post by the time I go to lunch.

    Sigh.

    On a side note, I totally didn’t realize that my blog post from today is just the last paragraph of my first comment on your blog post from a week ago except dragged out and expanded upon.

    Maybe just dragged out.

    Now that I realize this I think it is probably the worst post ever and maybe I should delete it.

    • Rahul said,

      OH, you meant 12 PST? I’m on Hawaiian time. Mahalo.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: