One Man’s Struggle For Relevance Makes Us Thankful

November 30, 2010 at 3:16 pm (Uncategorized)

We all like to complain that our lives are terrible and have no meaning. Maybe, we’ve just been dumped by a girl or a guy or a swinging couple. Someone turned out hot water off at our apartment. You caught your 50-year-old neighbor making out in front of her door and you now have no eyeballs because you singed them off with a flaming Q-tip. Whatever it may be we all complain, but we never really have it that bad. We at least have the Internet to read this wonderful blog.

Viva Life!

I guess I can just call my life, “interesting” from now on. I don’t necessarily have a bad life. I mean how can I complain about my life when there is a war in the Middle East, people with no jobs that have kids trying to make ends meet and according to Sally Struthers, starving kids in Africa that we can help with exactly one dollar a day.

How can we help people by giving them a buck a day? It makes no sense. Shouldn’t we be giving 5 dollars a day? 10 dollars? You know what one dollar gets you nowadays? About 1/432 of a gallon of gas. That’s what. After those kids use their dollar for gas they have nowhere to go.

“Hey Timmy want to come over?
“Sorry, I can only drive onto the road today and back.”

Ridiculous. Also one dollar doesn’t even get you anything from McDonald’s. You can’t be a Dollar Menunaire at all. More like Dollar Six Menunaire. There’s tax on those cheeseburgers. Ask Grimace, he knows. (Aside: I would love to nickname one of my friends Grimace. I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong. “Hey Grimace, toss me one of those Coors Lights.” “Those chicks like you Grimace.” “I bet you Grimace picks his nose and eats it.” I’m now adding Grimace onto my “if I have kids” name sheet. I’ll put it after James and before Babatunde. If anyone would like the title of Grimace for now please send a friend application and essay ASAP).

I urge everyone to give more than a dollar a day. Maybe two dollars. Maybe three. Or if you’re crazy insane, 4 dollars. We can make a difference.

Making the world happy: 2, 3, or 4 dollars at a time.

Where was I? Yes, so I can’t really say my life is awful even though today I did make the statement that my life was atrocious. It’s really not. Take for example Charlie Brown. That kid has the worst life of all time. Some may call it hyperbole, I call it fact-per-bole. Let us count the ways.

1.) He’s like 8 years old and he’s bald. What a debacle. No wonder the red-headed chick isn’t into him. That’s like dropping a 20 on the ground and right before you go to pick it up, it turns into a penny. Then that penny evaporates into thin air and sucks all the hair off of your head.

2.) His team is horrendous at baseball and he can’t fly a kite.

3.) Lucy doesn’t even let him kick the stupid football, but he’s so dumb he keeps trying.

4.) He only gets rocks at Halloween.

5.) His dog that is more popular than him even though the dog never talks and just types on a typewriter all day.

6.) His best friend constantly berates him even though the best friend is the one carrying a blanket around all day. Look in the mirror Linus! You clown.

Could it get any worse for good ole’ Chuck? Really could it? And to top it all off he can’t even write with a pen. He has to use a pencil. If Charlie Brown was written in the 2000s he would have a chain-smoking habit, be strung out on energy drinks, and would have blown all his money on cocaine and string cheese. Delicious string cheese. The nectar of the Gods.

Next time you think you have it bad, think of Charlie Brown. He will NEVER kick that football mainly because he is a fictional character that doesn’t exist in day-to-day life, but more of the fact that the creator of the comic is dead.

Too soon?

I know Thanksgiving has passed, but let’s look around and be thankful for our coworker that snaps gum loudly while talking to her friend “Brittany” on the work phone. Be thankful that our kitchen cabinet is held on with duct tape. Be thankful that your jury summons noticed got sent to the wrong apartment and now you’re wanted by the state for ducking out on your civic duty. At least we have these things. It could be worse.

We could dress in yellow and black every day.

Good Grief.

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15 Comments

  1. Toe said,

    Don’t forget that he can’t even understand what adults are saying to him. How do they even learn at school when all they hear is wawwaa waawaaa when adults talk to them? I’m thankful I can understand adult language.

    • Rahul said,

      I’m convinced they were all idiots. Did anyone except the dog know how to read?

  2. Matt said,

    Is peppermint patty a boy or a girl?

    I never figured that one out.

    • Rahul said,

      And why did Marcy always call her sir? Who knew that Charles Schulz was promoting transgender issues?

  3. Brooke Farmer said,

    So we are supposed to give $4 a day to Charlie Brown so he can buy a different colored shirt?

    I’m confused.

    • Rahul said,

      You can, but it’s a waste since, * SPOILER ALERT, he’s not real.

  4. Murtaza Ali Jafri said,

    Aw, I love Charlie Brown, though Snoopy is the best. He proves that you don’t need to be speak in order to be cool, you can make it, just by listening. Viva la Snoopy!

    I guess the thought is that a dollar is better than nothing, which is what alot of people have nowadays.

    Waay too soon.

    • Rahul said,

      I didn’t think Snoopy was cool. He was always judging. Watching and judging.

  5. laurenne said,

    Shit.
    I hate Charlie Brown more than I hate Alf. I just wanna punch him and tell him not to be so lame and sad all the time. Guess you’re right about the baldness though. I might be sad if I were bald at 8. You think he has Leukemia? That’s why he’s a bald child! Oh no. Now I’m feeling guilty and sad for hating him all these years.
    wait….
    Ok, it’s over. I feel fine again.
    Also, string cheese? Gross. Where’s the flavor in that shit? I’ll stick to paneer. That’s right. Fake Indian in the house. I’m brown if you squint real hard.

    • Rahul said,

      Charlie Brown has Leukemia? I guess he’s allowed to be sad then even though he became such a debbie downer. We get it your friends hate you. Don’t butt in on my brown bit!

  6. Katrina said,

    Charlie Brown is my sponsored child.

    • Rahul said,

      Man, you’re lucky. My sponsored child was small wonder. Not even a human.

  7. laurenne said,

    Ummm… don’t tell him where you heard it, but Jimmy’s childhood nickname was Grimace! No joke. I suggest you use it.

    • Rahul said,

      WHAT! This is the greatest news of my lifetime.

  8. Kristina said,

    Poor Charlie Brown. I’m not even sure his dog likes him that much. Snoopys always got his own shit going on. He’s not a very loyal or affectionate dog at all.

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