If Men Are From Women and Women Are From Women, Why Do We Argue?

December 8, 2010 at 1:24 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

From the beginning of time, or at least since written word was introduced into the Universe, women have been called the “fairer sex”. I’m not sure when this all started, but it probably has something to do with women writing important business appointments in day planners and men writing them on the back of multiple Orbit gum wrappers. Mainly, it’s because women are more civilized since they leave the house with pants on and like telling you to put the toilet seat down. Even though, I don’t understand why the toilet seat is such a point of contention. It raises a lot of questions for me. Is it that hard to put down? Or do women just go all willy nilly into the bathroom, don’t look around, and are falling in toilets all across America?

“HONEY! I fell in the toilet again! What did I tell you?!!? I’m blind when I walk in here since my eyeballs emit a high toxic radiation which makes it impossible to open my eyes and locate the seat. THANKS JERK!”

Do some bathrooms have super toilet seats that only are able to be put down by the strength of one rogue man who just put it up? What’s so hard about the flip and sit? Do women want to prove a point that men are dumb? Do they have to? Just look at a man eating cereal and watching TV at the same time if you want to see idiocy. If aliens landed here and that’s the first thing they saw they would be certain there was no intelligent life here.

“Klongin, This “thing” has a substance coming out of his mouth dribbling on its chin, is hunched over with no support while using a spoon as a shovel, and is laughing hysterically at an animated mouse with an anvil. These things are smarter than us? I think not. Back to the hubscoliptership before we lose our ability to coagulate into liquid sour patch kids.”

Obviously, women are the fairer sex. Except Yoko Ono. (Cheap aside – I wanted to work Yoko in here on John Lennon’s anniversary of his death. Segway! I was reading up on Lennon’s assassination since I’m a sucker for Wikipedia and I noticed that Yoko Ono asked the world to have a 10 minute silent pray to honor Lennon on December 14th, 1980. 10 MINUTES! Can you imagine people trying to be silent for 10 minutes in 2010? People can’t be quiet for 10 seconds now a days. Hell, people can’t really do ANYTHING for 10 minutes. Watch a TV show, browse the Internet, have sex, nothing lasts for more than 10 minutes. Even at the movies where you’re supposed to be quiet, every 4 minutes you’re making a crack that Ben Stiller’s next movie is going to be a documentary called “My Agent Calls and I Always Say Yes: A Ben Stiller Money Grab”. Yet, in 1980, millions of people were quiet for 10 minutes which proved one thing. People will do anything to get Yoko Ono to shut up.)

My whole life it’s been patently certain that women are the better species. They smell nicer, they look nicer, they feel nicer. Those things sounded so much better in my brain, but when written out look like the manifesto of a serial stalker outside the dorm room windows of coeds on the UCLA campus. “But officer, she FELT so nice.” I probably should be deleting the previous 3 sentences, but I’ll carry on and pretend I didn’t write them.

Takebacks.

So, while it’s hard to find flaws in women after 30 years on this planet I have been looking and, finally, I have found one. This past weekend I went to a friend’s birthday party and one of the girls there lost her phone. It is a very traumatic experience to lose your texting and Facebook machine all in one so we went searching the bar for it. After looking around for 5 minutes she decided it would be easier just to dump her purse on the table in case it got lost in the bottom of it. Fair enough. I know her purse was pretty big, but it probably wasn’t packed with….

KABLAMO.

What erupted from the purse was a cascade of things I didn’t know women kept in there. Makeup, feminine products, gum, hair ties, lipstick, lip gloss, lip botox injections, money, cards, a Care Bear Diary, paper from 1972, receipts. It was like someone dropped an atomic bomb on the worst time capsule ever put together. I’ve never seen so much trash and random objects in one place before. Is this what women keep in purses? Their whole life? All that was missing was a Tamagotchi, cabbage patch kid, and a videotape of her telling her dad in 1989 that she wished she didn’t live there anymore.

Then it hit me. Men win. When it comes to carrying things, we win. You see men carry 3 things. Wallet in the back pocket, phone and keys in the front. Unless you’re 62 years old or a Swedish tourist visiting DC that thinks the fanny pack is fashionable, this is what you carry. We don’t need our whole life in our pockets. We are the simple ones. We’re the more civilized people. We are THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

Slight Hyperbole Alert.

Woman can have their nice smells and their organized day planners. They can have their flowers and scented soaps from Bath and Body Works. We have our wallets. We have our pockets. We have the right to leave the toilet seat up every 3rd Friday in March. For once we are champions.

Excuse me Tom and Jerry reruns are on. The Lucky Charms are calling.

We doth but men.

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19 Comments

  1. Brooke Farmer said,

    a) I have never been able to make sense of the toilet seat issue. Why am I not yelled at for leaving it down? As long as you don’t piss ON the toilet seat I don’t give a fuck. But pissing on the toilet seat- that means war.

    b) Can’t have sex for 10 minutes? Deal breaker. I guess you and I will never make it.

    c) Yes, I have ALL of that shit in my purse. But what if I NEED it? What would I do if I didn’t have it? And you forgot to mention gift cards that may or may not have balances, tweezers in case we feel the need for a quick pluck while looking at our image in the mirror just before a date, nail polish even though I haven’t painted my fingernails since 1999, a note my son wrote me four years ago, 3 memory sticks of writing and photos just in case I happen to be at a computer other than my own and NEED to work on my novel that exact moment, and deoderant because I tend to forget until I am already halfway to work. And seriously, I would just carry those three things too except for I never have pockets when I’m wearing a dress. So I have to have a purse. And if I have a purse I need to put SOMETHING in there. And overtime each and every one of those things becomes essential. Trust me. If you start wearing dresses you’ll buy a purse and fill it up with all that shit too.

    • Rahul said,

      A.) What if Ijust pee on the walls? That should make my point valid.

      B.) 10 minutes is a long time. One time i went 3 minutes. Pretty close.

      C.) I stole every memory stick you have. And your 36 pack of condoms.

  2. Boo Guy said,

    In the 21st Century, the Toilet Seat Issue speaks to exactly what the Feminist Movement was/is all about. Women want all of the rights and none of the responsibilities. In short, previous times called for men to be gentlemanly and take care of the dirty work of touching the toilet seat when they had to lift it to protect the female ass from urine drops. Fine. Men hold doors, clean the gutters, throw their coats on puddles, lift the toilet seat. This is beneficial for all parties because it makes even the biggest weenie into a strong gentleman and gets him laid a whole lot easier by a higher caliber of woman who does less dirty work and is therefore softer and sexier. Woman don’t have to do anything, and that’s their reward.

    Now, just like with all areas of life, women want to be treated as equals who can do anything men can do. However, they don’t actually want to be held accountable for doing said tasks. Most of them just want to text their friends 5000 times a day. They still want us to lift the toilet seat.

    Our reward for doing so today? We appear more manly. Less female anger. More relationship security. More sex.

    The feminist movement gets women all of the rights and none of the responsibilities because we still want sex from them. So lift the damn seat. But don’t expect anything but missionary for it. Once a week if you remember to shower every day. This is what you have to look forward to, young single man. God bless ya.

    • Rahul said,

      This might be the greatest comment every seen on this site. I would send a trophy but I’m 30.

  3. Katrina said,

    I used to put the toilet seat back up for my ex and his roommate. That lead to an awkward conversation when they finally noticed it.

    • Rahul said,

      I’m suprised he ever noticed. I would have fallen in to make a point.

  4. Murtaza Ali Jafri said,

    WHY HASNT ANYONE INVENTED A TOILET THAT AUTOMATICALLY RE-ALIGNS AFTER USE! Millions of marriages could have been saved.

    Alot of what is in a womans purse keeps the smelling, feeling and tasting good.

    • Rahul said,

      That’s a great invention. Consider it stolen.

  5. Martini said,

    Ha, I think I used to have a Care Bears diary!

    Also, all I want for Christmas is an entire post dedicated to fanny packs.

    (P.S. I’m back! And I may have given you a shout-out in my first post.)

  6. laurenne said,

    Yes we fall in! Ok? Geez. If you leave the toilet seat up at night, then it’s 3am and we don’t want to wake up totally but we have to pee so we go to the bathroom but we don’t turn on the lights. And then we fall in and have to touch the gross ass bowl that’s all cold and crusty.
    Grooooosssss. And then we’re all up and pissed off because it’s 3am and we have to wake up in 4 hours for yoga class to keep our bodies all firm but soft for fear of you leaving us for a firmer and softer younger woman.
    ANd.. AND…. don’t give me this pocket shit. You know how many boyfriends have asked me to hold something in my purse for them? A ton. That’s right. I have had A TON of boyfriends. I’m a promiscuous whore. Get over it.
    Takebacks!

    • Rahul said,

      Why don’t you check if the seat is down? Do you go to the office and fall on the floor if your chair is moved? Check. And Mate. Ben Stiller says hi. There are firm and soft women? I’m listening.

  7. laurenne said,

    Been thinking about that Ben Stiller joke. Might have even LOLed in my car today, Rahuliosis Submarine. Nice.

  8. Joe Clay said,

    Now, I’ll start this by saying that I always put the seat down because it’s really no big deal to me, but really wouldn’t that be more fair? Each person does one action. Men lift. Women lower. Don’t you have to walk up to it to sit down? How many people don’t look before sitting down? That makes no sense.

    It’s more annoying when people don’t flush or don’t wash their hands.

  9. Joe Clay said,

    Also, I’ve got to say that I may take a bag or something to places like Starbucks, but it isn’t filled with shit, it’s filled with stuff I’m actually going to use.

    Women have one excuse though, their jeans have shitty pockets. And now that things like phones have become smaller, women just aren’t used to using pockets. And they all need a long wallet for some damn reason, even though no one uses checks anymore. I’d feel completely sexist right now except I’m right.

    • Rahul said,

      The long wallet is key. What’s in there? A publishers clearinghouse check? Ed McMahon is already in the purse.

  10. Lindsay said,

    Yep. You totally win with the non-carrying of stuff.

    And, the bigger a woman’s purse is, the more shit she’ll put in it. “Why yes. I absolutely DO need to carry around this lint brush/bicycle chain/pair of flip-flops in winter.”

    But the toilet seat issue. Uh uh. I disagree. If a man pees in MY house, a GIRL house, there are rules about the toilet seat. It stays down. You can whatever you like in your MAN house. And please to not pee on the floor. I don’t get that part. How does the pee get on the floor? Does it jump out of the bowl?

    Cripes.

    • Rahul said,

      This is why I don’t pee in anyone’s house. And there is splash factor for a man. I heard. Wouldn’t know anything about it.

  11. Ash said,

    Okay, I have no idea how on earth I stumbled onto this post!
    So here’s the thing. I’m a girl, I hate purses and just have everything stuffed into the pockets of my jeans. What does that make me?

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