If Men Are From Women and Women Are From Women, Why Do We Argue?

December 8, 2010 at 1:24 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

From the beginning of time, or at least since written word was introduced into the Universe, women have been called the “fairer sex”. I’m not sure when this all started, but it probably has something to do with women writing important business appointments in day planners and men writing them on the back of multiple Orbit gum wrappers. Mainly, it’s because women are more civilized since they leave the house with pants on and like telling you to put the toilet seat down. Even though, I don’t understand why the toilet seat is such a point of contention. It raises a lot of questions for me. Is it that hard to put down? Or do women just go all willy nilly into the bathroom, don’t look around, and are falling in toilets all across America?

“HONEY! I fell in the toilet again! What did I tell you?!!? I’m blind when I walk in here since my eyeballs emit a high toxic radiation which makes it impossible to open my eyes and locate the seat. THANKS JERK!”

Do some bathrooms have super toilet seats that only are able to be put down by the strength of one rogue man who just put it up? What’s so hard about the flip and sit? Do women want to prove a point that men are dumb? Do they have to? Just look at a man eating cereal and watching TV at the same time if you want to see idiocy. If aliens landed here and that’s the first thing they saw they would be certain there was no intelligent life here.

“Klongin, This “thing” has a substance coming out of his mouth dribbling on its chin, is hunched over with no support while using a spoon as a shovel, and is laughing hysterically at an animated mouse with an anvil. These things are smarter than us? I think not. Back to the hubscoliptership before we lose our ability to coagulate into liquid sour patch kids.”

Obviously, women are the fairer sex. Except Yoko Ono. (Cheap aside – I wanted to work Yoko in here on John Lennon’s anniversary of his death. Segway! I was reading up on Lennon’s assassination since I’m a sucker for Wikipedia and I noticed that Yoko Ono asked the world to have a 10 minute silent pray to honor Lennon on December 14th, 1980. 10 MINUTES! Can you imagine people trying to be silent for 10 minutes in 2010? People can’t be quiet for 10 seconds now a days. Hell, people can’t really do ANYTHING for 10 minutes. Watch a TV show, browse the Internet, have sex, nothing lasts for more than 10 minutes. Even at the movies where you’re supposed to be quiet, every 4 minutes you’re making a crack that Ben Stiller’s next movie is going to be a documentary called “My Agent Calls and I Always Say Yes: A Ben Stiller Money Grab”. Yet, in 1980, millions of people were quiet for 10 minutes which proved one thing. People will do anything to get Yoko Ono to shut up.)

My whole life it’s been patently certain that women are the better species. They smell nicer, they look nicer, they feel nicer. Those things sounded so much better in my brain, but when written out look like the manifesto of a serial stalker outside the dorm room windows of coeds on the UCLA campus. “But officer, she FELT so nice.” I probably should be deleting the previous 3 sentences, but I’ll carry on and pretend I didn’t write them.


So, while it’s hard to find flaws in women after 30 years on this planet I have been looking and, finally, I have found one. This past weekend I went to a friend’s birthday party and one of the girls there lost her phone. It is a very traumatic experience to lose your texting and Facebook machine all in one so we went searching the bar for it. After looking around for 5 minutes she decided it would be easier just to dump her purse on the table in case it got lost in the bottom of it. Fair enough. I know her purse was pretty big, but it probably wasn’t packed with….


What erupted from the purse was a cascade of things I didn’t know women kept in there. Makeup, feminine products, gum, hair ties, lipstick, lip gloss, lip botox injections, money, cards, a Care Bear Diary, paper from 1972, receipts. It was like someone dropped an atomic bomb on the worst time capsule ever put together. I’ve never seen so much trash and random objects in one place before. Is this what women keep in purses? Their whole life? All that was missing was a Tamagotchi, cabbage patch kid, and a videotape of her telling her dad in 1989 that she wished she didn’t live there anymore.

Then it hit me. Men win. When it comes to carrying things, we win. You see men carry 3 things. Wallet in the back pocket, phone and keys in the front. Unless you’re 62 years old or a Swedish tourist visiting DC that thinks the fanny pack is fashionable, this is what you carry. We don’t need our whole life in our pockets. We are the simple ones. We’re the more civilized people. We are THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

Slight Hyperbole Alert.

Woman can have their nice smells and their organized day planners. They can have their flowers and scented soaps from Bath and Body Works. We have our wallets. We have our pockets. We have the right to leave the toilet seat up every 3rd Friday in March. For once we are champions.

Excuse me Tom and Jerry reruns are on. The Lucky Charms are calling.

We doth but men.

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The Only Thing That’s Free is a Free Lunch. Unless You Pay

July 7, 2010 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

It happens to all of us. No, I’m not talking about leaving the house with no pants on because you thought your apartment was on fire when really it was just your neighbor burning a waffle. No,what I’m talking about is the uncomfortable situation all of us has to deal with when hanging around couples. We’ve all been through it. Either we’re single or our signiifcant other/cat is away for the weekend and we have to be around people that have been in a relationship for awhile or are newly dating.

See couples tend to get in this pattern of speaking to each other that either is a massive stuttering problem or the reason Justin Bieber is popular in this world. Some of my friends are couples so you notice things about them that you may not normally pick up on. Let’s say you’re all sitting around enjoying a fine bottle of wine and your favorite track off of Billy Idol’s “Whiplash Smile”. Things are going swimmingly. You’re discussing the political strife in war torn countries, the fall of the Euro, and Mel Gibson’s rants against women that have given birth to some of his children. The night is going well and then…

“Baby, Baby, no, baby, I told you that Mel Gibson, Baby, I told you that he directed Passion of the Christ, baby, but he wasn’t in it.”


Are people who couple up and talk like this actually regressing in life? Are they Benjamin Button? I have found him! He is actually a woman who has received a PHD in psychology and graduated top of her class (Something Cum Laude something Latin), but now speaks like she is 12. She’s going to become a baby. Don’t get caught with your pants down, man! Statutory rape is upon us. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I’ll never understand how baby is used that much when not talking about someone under the age of 2 years old. Listen, I’m all for pet terms and such, but to overuse the term “baby” and not A) mean an actual baby, B.) be talking about some strange fetish about sex in diapers, or C) The Biebs, is outlandish. And while this does get on my nerves I can overlook it for something even more egregious that couples have.

The Freebie List.

We all know what that this is. Apparently, couples have this list of celebrities that if the celebrity tells them “Hey you can have sex with me”, the person is allowed to have sex with that celebrity with no repercussions . Hence, a freebie, or as I like to say, the 70s. It was made popular by “Friends” and is big hit among women because anything that originated from an NBC Thursday night sitcom becomes more popular than Denzel Washington in a movie theater in Compton. Women love to flaunt the list in front of the partner and say things in large groups like“ Oh, Brad Pitt is totally on the list, (Wink). You know what I mean girlfriend! (Snap)”, while their husband or boyfriend sits next to them. What infuriates me more is then the guy will come back with “Oh, you know what. Scarlett Johannson is on my list !”

You, sir, are an imbecile.

Let me tell all men something right now. We’re animals. So when you say you have a “list of celebrities” that you can sleep with, it is a lie. Because you know what? Your odds are zero percent that is going to happen unless you were just in Abercrombie and Fitch with no shirt on and staring at the mall kiosks while women gawked at you. Even then it is at zero percent. Scarlett Johannson isn’t just going to be walking down the street and say “Hey you know what? I totally want to bang that guy across the street that hasn’t shaved n 4 days, has a booger hanging out of his nose and looks like he got dressed in the dark. Blue pants, brown socks, white shirt with a spaghetti stain on it? Love it!”

Unless it’s Ragu.

Scarlett is picky.

See women have put this ruse on you that you need to have a list too because they have one. “Honey, you can have a list too!” Well, their odds are much better than yours. You know why? 2 reasons. 1. ) They actually try to look good every time they leave the house and 2.) Their list consists of attainable people. Yes, attainable celebrities. When men put the list together we go for the hottest ones we can think of. Angelina Jolie. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. Jessica Rabbit. We go for the top of the top. Do you know who some women have on their list?

Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Mother F’in Goldblum

Who has better odds here? A slobby guy sleeping with Jessica Alba or a made up professional woman with Jeff Goldblum? You have been had, men. Been Had. Women’s odds for “the list” are exponentially greater than men. In fact, it can be argued, that Jeff Goldblum’s “List” should have your wife on it. That’s right, Jeff Goldblum’s list actually includes regular people!

So men, if your wife wants to have a list just smile and nod. Then on your list don’t put on the most attractive celebrities. Just add the whole cast of the View. Even Whoopi. Then your odds are the same.

But clean up that sauce on your shirt, Whoopi isn’t a barbarian.

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