If Men Are From Women and Women Are From Women, Why Do We Argue?

December 8, 2010 at 1:24 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

From the beginning of time, or at least since written word was introduced into the Universe, women have been called the “fairer sex”. I’m not sure when this all started, but it probably has something to do with women writing important business appointments in day planners and men writing them on the back of multiple Orbit gum wrappers. Mainly, it’s because women are more civilized since they leave the house with pants on and like telling you to put the toilet seat down. Even though, I don’t understand why the toilet seat is such a point of contention. It raises a lot of questions for me. Is it that hard to put down? Or do women just go all willy nilly into the bathroom, don’t look around, and are falling in toilets all across America?

“HONEY! I fell in the toilet again! What did I tell you?!!? I’m blind when I walk in here since my eyeballs emit a high toxic radiation which makes it impossible to open my eyes and locate the seat. THANKS JERK!”

Do some bathrooms have super toilet seats that only are able to be put down by the strength of one rogue man who just put it up? What’s so hard about the flip and sit? Do women want to prove a point that men are dumb? Do they have to? Just look at a man eating cereal and watching TV at the same time if you want to see idiocy. If aliens landed here and that’s the first thing they saw they would be certain there was no intelligent life here.

“Klongin, This “thing” has a substance coming out of his mouth dribbling on its chin, is hunched over with no support while using a spoon as a shovel, and is laughing hysterically at an animated mouse with an anvil. These things are smarter than us? I think not. Back to the hubscoliptership before we lose our ability to coagulate into liquid sour patch kids.”

Obviously, women are the fairer sex. Except Yoko Ono. (Cheap aside – I wanted to work Yoko in here on John Lennon’s anniversary of his death. Segway! I was reading up on Lennon’s assassination since I’m a sucker for Wikipedia and I noticed that Yoko Ono asked the world to have a 10 minute silent pray to honor Lennon on December 14th, 1980. 10 MINUTES! Can you imagine people trying to be silent for 10 minutes in 2010? People can’t be quiet for 10 seconds now a days. Hell, people can’t really do ANYTHING for 10 minutes. Watch a TV show, browse the Internet, have sex, nothing lasts for more than 10 minutes. Even at the movies where you’re supposed to be quiet, every 4 minutes you’re making a crack that Ben Stiller’s next movie is going to be a documentary called “My Agent Calls and I Always Say Yes: A Ben Stiller Money Grab”. Yet, in 1980, millions of people were quiet for 10 minutes which proved one thing. People will do anything to get Yoko Ono to shut up.)

My whole life it’s been patently certain that women are the better species. They smell nicer, they look nicer, they feel nicer. Those things sounded so much better in my brain, but when written out look like the manifesto of a serial stalker outside the dorm room windows of coeds on the UCLA campus. “But officer, she FELT so nice.” I probably should be deleting the previous 3 sentences, but I’ll carry on and pretend I didn’t write them.

Takebacks.

So, while it’s hard to find flaws in women after 30 years on this planet I have been looking and, finally, I have found one. This past weekend I went to a friend’s birthday party and one of the girls there lost her phone. It is a very traumatic experience to lose your texting and Facebook machine all in one so we went searching the bar for it. After looking around for 5 minutes she decided it would be easier just to dump her purse on the table in case it got lost in the bottom of it. Fair enough. I know her purse was pretty big, but it probably wasn’t packed with….

KABLAMO.

What erupted from the purse was a cascade of things I didn’t know women kept in there. Makeup, feminine products, gum, hair ties, lipstick, lip gloss, lip botox injections, money, cards, a Care Bear Diary, paper from 1972, receipts. It was like someone dropped an atomic bomb on the worst time capsule ever put together. I’ve never seen so much trash and random objects in one place before. Is this what women keep in purses? Their whole life? All that was missing was a Tamagotchi, cabbage patch kid, and a videotape of her telling her dad in 1989 that she wished she didn’t live there anymore.

Then it hit me. Men win. When it comes to carrying things, we win. You see men carry 3 things. Wallet in the back pocket, phone and keys in the front. Unless you’re 62 years old or a Swedish tourist visiting DC that thinks the fanny pack is fashionable, this is what you carry. We don’t need our whole life in our pockets. We are the simple ones. We’re the more civilized people. We are THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

Slight Hyperbole Alert.

Woman can have their nice smells and their organized day planners. They can have their flowers and scented soaps from Bath and Body Works. We have our wallets. We have our pockets. We have the right to leave the toilet seat up every 3rd Friday in March. For once we are champions.

Excuse me Tom and Jerry reruns are on. The Lucky Charms are calling.

We doth but men.

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What Women Don’t Want (Sorry)

August 16, 2010 at 3:36 pm (Uncategorized) (, , )

(note: this is all done tongue firmly planted inside cheek. Also, I don’t know what that phrase means, but it seems apropos. I, also, don’t know what apropos really means, but that also seems apropos. )

I’ve been writing a blog of some kind for almost 3 years. In that time you tend to read other blogs to gain more readers, insight, and hopefully stumble upon a nude picture of Zooey Deschanel. If someone had told me that there would be NO Zooey nude pictures on the webs of Internet the last 3 years I would have quit reading blogs exactly 3 years ago. But we must dream and dance at the thought this could one day happen so we power on with our journey through personal blog land. We stumble upon blogs that make us laugh or some poetry or these weird ones that are written in Chinese about herbal remedies for toe enlargement.

The Chinese are always ahead of us! You know what they say about people with big feet? That’s right.

They’re weird.

The one constant about blogs, though, is that they are mostly written by women. I haven’t done a study on blogs, but I’m willing to bet exactly 93.52 percent of all personal type blogs are written by women. It’s all very scientific. The other 6.48 percent of blogs are written by some combination of men, hermaphrodites, and cats that can’t spell. Seriously, someone get those cats a dictionary. Or at least an ESL teacher. Reading blogs is a great way for men to get into the female psyche. We can find out what women like about us, what they hate about us, and that Nordstrom’s one day sale is finally back.

Tommy Bahama is still in, right?

Since I have gained all this knowledge about women and what they are looking for in men, I have been able to gain tens, nay, at least one date from an actual woman. They are telling us THE SECRETS. Thanks to these secrets I now know the places to NOT ask a woman out or hit on them. Just for the viewing public, I have narrowed down the top 5 places to not ask a woman on a date according to female bloggers. And yes, these have all been said by female bloggers at one time or another.

In no particular order

The Library/Bookstore

A woman’s take

“I’m just at the library/bookstore to read Eat, Pray, Love in silence. I do not want you telling me my hair smells good. Does she find enlightenment in India?!?! I don’t know because your grubby hands are in front of me. Bonus point: If you’re at the library I automatically put you on no job and no money since if you had either you wouldn’t be there. Good luck on those keyboards that chronic masturbators touch.”

Bar

a.)With a group of friends.

A woman’s take

“I’m out with my girl friends! It’s girl’s night out and we don’t want to be fending off advances from these creeps thinking we’re easy pickings since no guys are around. We’re just here to drink and not think about men so get away. You might be a nice guy, but I’m not in the mood. Not tonight.”

b.)With one other friend

A woman’s take

“Listen, weirdo. She just broke up with her boyfriend. Can’t you see she’s in a bad place? I’m just being a good friend and we don’t want you taking away our time together. You’re not going home with her buddy, so give it up. You suck.”

Laundromat

A woman’s take

“I don’t want some stranger seeing my underwear. This isn’t the time to be sneaking up on me with some pickup line you saw from Mystery. I can’t give you my full attention while hiding my fat pants from you. Also, don’t attempt to help me carry my laundry, I’m a woman. Not a midget.”

At the park

A woman’s take

“You see I’m at the park on a run. I’m sweaty, I’m gross, and I haven’t put on any makeup. I don’t want anyone coming within 40 feet of me let alone asking me out to the Hollywood Bowl to see Michael Buble. And DON’T run with me or start running backwards while talking to me. Stop showing off asshat. Also you’re shirt is inside out.”

At The Office

A woman’s take

“I’m at work, dude. I’m trying to save my company millions of dollars and I just want to crank this out and get a drink. And yes if you see me at the bar after work don’t talk to me there either because I’m stressed out and will freak out at every little thing you say. Please see above for “bar””

Now that I know where to not ask out women I’ve gone from being rejected 99 percent of the time to being rejected 0 percent of the time. This probably has something to do with not asking anyone out anymore because I’m terrified and the only two safe havens for meeting someone is jail and the Hollywood sign. But who cares. No more rejections! Suck it World. Eating Pringles on a Saturday night is way better anyway.

Ask the Chinese.

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The Only Thing That’s Free is a Free Lunch. Unless You Pay

July 7, 2010 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

It happens to all of us. No, I’m not talking about leaving the house with no pants on because you thought your apartment was on fire when really it was just your neighbor burning a waffle. No,what I’m talking about is the uncomfortable situation all of us has to deal with when hanging around couples. We’ve all been through it. Either we’re single or our signiifcant other/cat is away for the weekend and we have to be around people that have been in a relationship for awhile or are newly dating.

See couples tend to get in this pattern of speaking to each other that either is a massive stuttering problem or the reason Justin Bieber is popular in this world. Some of my friends are couples so you notice things about them that you may not normally pick up on. Let’s say you’re all sitting around enjoying a fine bottle of wine and your favorite track off of Billy Idol’s “Whiplash Smile”. Things are going swimmingly. You’re discussing the political strife in war torn countries, the fall of the Euro, and Mel Gibson’s rants against women that have given birth to some of his children. The night is going well and then…

“Baby, Baby, no, baby, I told you that Mel Gibson, Baby, I told you that he directed Passion of the Christ, baby, but he wasn’t in it.”

SWEET LORD OF JUMANJI.

Are people who couple up and talk like this actually regressing in life? Are they Benjamin Button? I have found him! He is actually a woman who has received a PHD in psychology and graduated top of her class (Something Cum Laude something Latin), but now speaks like she is 12. She’s going to become a baby. Don’t get caught with your pants down, man! Statutory rape is upon us. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I’ll never understand how baby is used that much when not talking about someone under the age of 2 years old. Listen, I’m all for pet terms and such, but to overuse the term “baby” and not A) mean an actual baby, B.) be talking about some strange fetish about sex in diapers, or C) The Biebs, is outlandish. And while this does get on my nerves I can overlook it for something even more egregious that couples have.

The Freebie List.

We all know what that this is. Apparently, couples have this list of celebrities that if the celebrity tells them “Hey you can have sex with me”, the person is allowed to have sex with that celebrity with no repercussions . Hence, a freebie, or as I like to say, the 70s. It was made popular by “Friends” and is big hit among women because anything that originated from an NBC Thursday night sitcom becomes more popular than Denzel Washington in a movie theater in Compton. Women love to flaunt the list in front of the partner and say things in large groups like“ Oh, Brad Pitt is totally on the list, (Wink). You know what I mean girlfriend! (Snap)”, while their husband or boyfriend sits next to them. What infuriates me more is then the guy will come back with “Oh, you know what. Scarlett Johannson is on my list !”

You, sir, are an imbecile.

Let me tell all men something right now. We’re animals. So when you say you have a “list of celebrities” that you can sleep with, it is a lie. Because you know what? Your odds are zero percent that is going to happen unless you were just in Abercrombie and Fitch with no shirt on and staring at the mall kiosks while women gawked at you. Even then it is at zero percent. Scarlett Johannson isn’t just going to be walking down the street and say “Hey you know what? I totally want to bang that guy across the street that hasn’t shaved n 4 days, has a booger hanging out of his nose and looks like he got dressed in the dark. Blue pants, brown socks, white shirt with a spaghetti stain on it? Love it!”

Unless it’s Ragu.

Scarlett is picky.

See women have put this ruse on you that you need to have a list too because they have one. “Honey, you can have a list too!” Well, their odds are much better than yours. You know why? 2 reasons. 1. ) They actually try to look good every time they leave the house and 2.) Their list consists of attainable people. Yes, attainable celebrities. When men put the list together we go for the hottest ones we can think of. Angelina Jolie. Jessica Alba. Jessica Biel. Jessica Rabbit. We go for the top of the top. Do you know who some women have on their list?

Jeff Goldblum

Jeff Mother F’in Goldblum

Who has better odds here? A slobby guy sleeping with Jessica Alba or a made up professional woman with Jeff Goldblum? You have been had, men. Been Had. Women’s odds for “the list” are exponentially greater than men. In fact, it can be argued, that Jeff Goldblum’s “List” should have your wife on it. That’s right, Jeff Goldblum’s list actually includes regular people!

So men, if your wife wants to have a list just smile and nod. Then on your list don’t put on the most attractive celebrities. Just add the whole cast of the View. Even Whoopi. Then your odds are the same.

But clean up that sauce on your shirt, Whoopi isn’t a barbarian.

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Are You Speaking My Language?

June 8, 2010 at 11:34 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

There’s always a downside to hanging out with a group of women. When you’re a man. And not dating any of them. I mean life isn’t all Sex and the City and Leon Phelps all the time. I can’t just go up to women and say things like “Yeth, this is the ladies man,” and “How Big IS you?” all over the place. We all need to have some tact and some suaveness about us. Well, we don’t NEED to have any of those things (paging Jesse James), but it’s probably nice to have some of them when talking to a group of women. You don’t want to come off as a pig when discussing some things at a nice dinner and you hear…

ZOMG, Jake Gyllenhaal is so hot!

Oh no.

Let’s not kid ourselves. As men we like to hang with women. If we’re throwing a party we make sure to invite a group of women so the party doesn’t seem like a dance off at John Waters house. We want there to be a good mix. Why? Because Anything Is Possible. Guys, you know exactly what I’m saying. You get a little tipsy, the girl gets a little tipsy and before you know it you’re back at her place playing Rock Band and yelling at each other because, hello, how hard is it to keep up on Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So”?!?! HIT THE RED ONE AND THE GREEN ONE AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WHORE!

Chivalry lives.

When you hang out with women you start picking up on the subtle things that they do. The same way that women pickup on men scratching themselves, screaming at the television watching sports, and drinking chlorox when you run out of alcohol to get a buzz. It was only that one time. Yesterday. Women say things that men would never say. They say things like “heart” and “yummy”. What man would ever say this? It’s like a whole different language that was created for only themselves. If James Cameron wanted to create a true new language he would have tailed a group of 6 women while they talked to each other. Who needs Na’Vi when you have Vag’i. (See what I did there? No. Ok then).

So to make it easier on everyone else, I have made a list of 20 sayings that women say, that men would never ever say. Well, I guess straight men would never say. I haven’t fleshed this out yet. (That’s what she…Why would she say that?) Because without thinking about it there are phrases inherent to only women and not men. I’m not saying men don’t say ridiculous stuff, we do, but it’s time we pointed out that all humans do it. WE DOTH BUT MEN. Of course, not all women will say all of these phrases, but a lot of them do. Or at least the 3 that actually talk to me. Hi, Mom! So without further ado here are my observations.

(Aside: When people say” without further ado” they always say something else after that. If you say “without further ado” shouldn’t you just do whatever it is you’re going to do? That’s the whole point of the phrase. You’re not supposed to be adding stuff after you say it. Then you should be saying “with much ado”. What does ado even mean? Who cares? “Hey, I got a lot of ado to take care off, so it’s going to be a while. Yeah, A LOT OF ADO. A LOT.” )

Phrases Men would never say

1. I heart her shoes
2. Yummers! or Yummy!
3. I want a kitty!
4. That dress looks super fab on you.
5. Hey, girl!
6. AHHHHHHHHH, loud shriek (normally seeing someone after not seeing them for awhile, or being drunk).
7. One day sale at Nordstrom. One day sale at Nordstrom!
8. Oh Em Gee
9. Kill that spider, kill it!
10. Yucky!
11. Did you see Real Housewives of New Jersey last night?
12. DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE’S WEARING?!?!
13. BFF
14. Besties
15. Forevs.
16. Don’t be rude.
17. Awwwwww,she’s so cuuuuuuuuutttttte.
18. Finally, A madonna song!
19. Mmmm, Hmm! (usually after seeing a good looking guy)
20. Ugh, so gross

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