Friendships – Ruining Lives Since 2010

May 11, 2010 at 11:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

There are a lot of problems in California. From the bankruptcy, the governor’s race, the massive amount of failed boob jobs there are numerous amounts of issues plaguing the “Golden State”. Seriously, have you seen Heidi Montag? This is an abortion of human rights that someone can come out of a doctor’s office in our day and age looking like that. Doctors are supposed to help us. Not turn us into walking Barbie dolls that have to deal with Spencer Pratt on a daily basis. For this we can only blame California. In what other state would someone think that looked good on them?

A delusional one.

I apologize for that.

It’s not like California needs any more problems, but last week something happened in the high school sports world that showed that the human race continues to be the only species to suck the souls out of their own. Well, maybe, I forgot about snakes because they do that a lot. Or leeches. Neither of those can talk though so they don’t count. Talking = Dominance.

Anyways, to make a long story pretty long, a girl for South Pasadena High School won the pole vault competition to win the league title for her school. As soon as she finished, the coach for one of the other teams pointed out that she was wearing a friendship bracelet and had to be disqualified because of the “no jewelry rule”. Some 50-year-old man wanted to win a league title so badly that he made a nice young high school girl cry. Over something that does not help you fly through the air. Only LSD can help you do that. This has been proven in all science journals I have read over the past 10 years. I, for one, am totally outraged at this turn of events.

A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET?

Someone should have told lovely Robin Laird of South Pasadena High School that it’s not 1996. Apparently, she left her zubaz pants and tamagotchis at home. Maybe it’s because I’m out of touch with the high school crowd outside of the daily gatherings at 3pm at 7-11, but I didn’t even know kids still wear these. Where does she get them from? Zack Morris? Are buddy bands not available for purchase? In all honesty, when I was in high school I always wanted to be the “4 ever” part of someone else’s “BFF” necklace. Instead I settled for eating chicken nuggets by myself and having orange drink spilled on my AP English copy of “The Catcher in the Rye”.

Not as delicious as it sounds.

Of course, it was a dastardly manuever by the other coach to point it out when it had no bearing on the outcome, but come on Robin, you’re 17 years old. You probably have prom coming up or have gone to it. Time to let go of the knitted rainbow-colored accessories for your wrist. I can only think of 3 reasons where it is acceptable to wear this.

1. Your kid makes you wear one or doesn’t stop crying. Two things kids are great at. Crying all the time and annoying you to wear friendship bracelets. Every other activity? Average.

2. You’re wearing one to honor someone. A death in the family, a sick friend, a turtle with hepatitis. Whatever it is. That is a valid reason. Turtle hep has no known cure. Sad, indeed.

3. You’re being held at gunpoint by Liam Neeson while he tries to find a way to get his daughter back from the sex trade she has entered after being kidnapped. now her best friend is dead and you’re about to be too unless you put on this friendship bracelet. Just tell him where she is. JUST TELL HIM. Liam Neeson doesn’t play.

Hopefully, young Robin Laird has learned a valuable lesson. Don’t be friends with anyone. They just ruin everything. It’s the only way to get through life. She even says it best,

“As of right now, I am not wearing (a friendship bracelet),” she said. “Although I do still have a tan line on my wrist. That’s my scarlet letter.”

Tan lines, a nightmare for all of our nation’s youth. Lesson learned.

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19 Comments

  1. Martini said,

    I can’t believe you used the term “buddy bands.” 10 gazillion points sir.

    • Rahul said,

      Only 10 gazillion to go for that eye patch from Dave and Busters!

  2. saratogajean said,

    Wait – there’s no cure for turtle hep? We can put a man on the moon but still, turtles suffer?

    I call bullshit, scientists. Get on it.

    • Rahul said,

      It’s a sad phenomenon. For one dollar a day you too can support a turtle with this terrible disease.

  3. lbluca77 said,

    I was planning on surprising you with a friendship bracelet but now you can forget it.

  4. tom said,

    You’re an idiot.

    • Matt said,

      I agree. Who says Snakes can’t talk?

    • Rahul said,

      I told you mom to use your real name.

  5. Ask Alice said,

    I gave her that bracelet to honor her dead pet sea monkey. How can you be so cruel?

    • Rahul said,

      I tried to revive that sea monkey! I’m a hero.

  6. Tambourinequeen said,

    You are also allowed to wear a friendship bracelet made by your 6 year old daughter, you see yourself wearing in a flash forward on april 29 th 2010, while working late at the fbi figuring out what is was D.Gibson really meant.

    wait. . .Damn you Joseph Fiennes.

    • Rahul said,

      At least Olivia hasn’t ruined the show.Oh wait, she has.

  7. makeoutmonster said,

    Hahaha love the line: “This is an abortion of human rights that someone can come out of a doctor’s office in our day and age looking like that.”

    Also, thanks for bringing back fond memories of my tamagotchi from sixth grade. Too bad my cheap indian parents got me some bootleg version, so I never had a chance at being cool.

    • Rahul said,

      They probably bought from a car down by the Indian street fair. That’s how my parents did everything.

  8. This is LIz said,

    I agree with Tom

  9. This is LIz said,

    just kidding i only read the first three sentences of the post.

    • Rahul said,

      Let’s not lie to everyone. You can’t read.

  10. laurenne said,

    I hate friends.

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